u/Prize-Experience6638

I struggle horribly with relationships, and every time i attempt to be in one it completely destabilizes me even if they don’t do anything objectively bad. When i first start loving someone, i get so deeply infatuated and obsessed. i want to spend every moment of every day with them, i would merge our souls if i could. i love in a way that isnt healthy for me, i disregard anything that i need or want personally.

and then inevitably things change. i start getting anxious about the depth of my feelings for them because i know how unbearable the pain will be when its gone. i overanalyze everything they say and do and i compare it to the things i say and do. i start to convince myself they dont like me because they dont express this deep love the way i do.

and i break my own heart. my heart breaks for relationships 100 times before the breakup even happens. every short response convinces me they hate me. and then when things do genuinely occur (maybe they had a bad day and had a little attitude with me) its like i finally found that piece of confirmation i needed that proved they dont like me, and my brain completely flips.

now i hate them. i hate the way they pose in pictures. i hate their little quirks. i hate how they treat people. i hate their soul. i want to never see them again. i want to never think about them again. i want their existence erased from my memory.

i start snapping over everything. if their energy is off at all i yell and cry and beg and push away. this is the part that i feel like my brain gets so addicted to, the cycle of deep obsessive love to undying hatred over and over. i become willing to say anything that comes to mind, and its always things i should never say to someone. i blame them for not being able to love as deeply as i did. i blame them for the unbearable way my body feels pain. but theyre the only thing that can make that pain go away. so i beg them to help, i beg them to stay.

there is genuinely nobody on earth i can be crueler to than the person im deeply in love with.

So the last 3 times i cut myself, I’ve had bad body responses each time. 1st time I began to feel like I couldn’t catch my breath then vomited and trembled for 30 minutes. 2nd time my heart was racing then i layed down and my hearing went out and my vision blackened for a minute, 3rd time I almost passed out while standing I think because my legs felt like they were about to buckle and I got lightheaded.

Ive never been uneasy at the sight of blood or wounds, especially my own. but now when i think about one of the last 3 times my spine crawls and sometimes i feel sick.

I just dont know what changed why suddenly can I not handle it anymore

Yesterday I cut myself on my bicep area while i was in the shower. i think i surprised myself with how deep it cut, but it wasnt dangerously deep. it didnt hurt at all and wasnt bleeding at all dangerous speed, i had no reason to panic and didnt feel like i was about to. ive cut this deep and deeper before, thats why this was strange. after a few moments i felt my heartbeat feel like it was slowing and i couldnt catch my breath. my heart kept having a dropping feeling. i ended up getting out of the shower and laying huddled on the ground. my ears began ringing and i closed my eyes and after a certain point i couldnt hear the shower running anymore. then a few seconds passed and the sound came back. i never lost consciousness though. i didnt lose enough blood for this to be the reason. what mightve happened?