u/ProfessionFar6266

I’ve often seen variations of this on my social media feeds. Sometimes it feels like those who find themselves seeking support through or following a divorce are either partners of the first man, or are themselves the second man. Or, similarly, partners of a woman who wanted a husband and children and women who wanted to be a wife and a mother.

Separation, divorce, and marital decay cannot be simplified down to this… or can they?

One spouse wanted to have the life.

One spouse wanted to create the life.

One wanted it given to them.

One wanted to work for it.

One wanted to bask in it.

One wanted to live in it.

In one way or another, in some similar sentiment, many divorces happened because one spouse wasn’t able to be a partner and/or a parent. They wanted to have a husband or wife without giving themselves as a husband or wife in return. Not fully. Not holistically. And the imbalance lead to decay.

Sometimes through that spouse finally giving up the façade and walking away. Other times through abuses, or disloyalty, or a breaking point where the invested spouse walked away.

One wanted to be* *and one wanted to have; so neither met their goal.

So, which one were you — if you’ve made it through this thought dump…

How did you prepare yourself holistically for leaving your spouse and starting new? Particularly if you have young children.

I plan to over the next year:
• Sell non-essentials
• Build a substantial savings
• Work as many hours as possible in preparation for financial planning as well as taking a LOA the months following the divorce
• Quietly packing away valuables of my own
• Making a “separation” and “divorce” agreement document with assets, childcare and custody, etc.
• Therapy
• Telling only my parents and my most trusted friend (like a sister)
• Forming an SOS escape plan (in case he were to find out, though he is not abusive physically)

TLDR ahead:

I have met the point of no-return. I think… if you have been here, I am sure you can understand how immobile and uncertain you can feel before taking the leap.

For many reasons, and for many years, my husband and I have not had a successful relationship. Despite this, we seemed to cycle through the same phases together and make things work with genuine love toward one another beneath it all. Small triggers lead to larger issues, which he would ignore, mock, belittle my calls to resolution, I would in turn become cold, nagging, and emotional, leading to an explosive interaction that I would always be the problem-solver and resolution-initiator and navigator for, he would stonewall, ignore, accuse, inflate/distort reality and make false equivalencies before finally coming to a point of understanding and what appeared to be genuine empathy and accountability, three to five days of heightened connection would follow, and then he would slowly fall back into the harmful, hurtful behaviours and patterns while I quietly accepted, then we would repeat.

I’ve broken down in many ways over the last two years particularly. I’ve begged him, I’ve threatened him with leaving, I’ve reasoned, and I’ve been raw and honest. I fear so greatly being a little old woman, frail and fleeting of mind, being cared for by this man solely. I fear never being known and safe. I have “left” twice and returned. I have been communicating my needs and where I am at with our connection. If I tell him I want to divorce, he responds “we are not divorcing”, then is avoidant of it for a week or so while being on his best behaviour as if I would forget or find it not worth the effort. I genuinely do not think he likes me as a person, most times, so it bewilders me why he engages like he wants to keep me even if only when faced with divorce.

He used to make me feel the opposite, and gives me little glimmers of hope now and then that this version of him exists still. Sometimes I feel he is simply embarrassed or scared of starting new himself. He has told me I would be a nightmare to divorce, but in prior conversations I have laid out my wishes and thoughts of life separate from each other and feel it’s fair — shared custody, amicable relationship, supporting each other in our roles as coparents, having holidays together, empowering self-exploration and new relationships.

I can’t do this any longer. I can’t survive in the glimmers while the overwhelming majority of the time I am drowning, gasping for breath in the suffocating shadows.