u/Professional-Crew182

On vacation and just want to share and spam random moments with random people

Bare with me and my lengthy, disorganized spiel. I (32f) have been seeing this guy (29m) for 3 months now, dating exclusively for almost 2. It's been super fun, but it's also been challenging for me. We get along great, I won't get into specifics there. Their personality and vibe has been a new experience for me, but overall it's been a very calming experience. The thing that I haven't been able to calm is my brain. For additional context, we started as casual, on my behalf as a usual monogamous long term intentional dater out of a toxic 5 year relationship for 6 months, and partial reason for me joining therapy, but wasn't sure what I wanted. They came in letting me know they're fine with casual but are looking for a relationship. They initiated milestones like dating and exclusivity. I was genuinely open to it and agreed. Fast forward to now, I'm on vacation visiting family in Europe. I had let them know that this kind of situation, mostly the distance, can be a trigger for me and I require lots of communication and patience. They've been great. Some inconsistencies but Ive been trying to remind myself that we're human and with the 7/8 hour difference it's not always sustainable. I've been doing my best to sit in moments of anxiety and overthinking. In any situation where it has gotten to me, I've tried to communicate and or apologize for resulting poor behavior like getting a little short or closed off, or trying to maintain communication. Recently, we had a day of great communication, reassurance, and closeness. I woke up the next day however feeling anxious about other things, like imposter syndrome, and communicated that with them. The thing is, I also voiced I was feeling anxious and overthinking over a certain exchange that came off accusatory towards him. Sorry to keep things general, but nevertheless, it upset them. They confirmed they didn't engage in said behavior and then proceeded to tell me if my mind is going there, then they're going to go for the day and for me to enjoy my day. I apologized for upsetting them, explained it was a fleeting moment, but that I understood and would give them their space. They said it's fine but they had things to do anyway. I asked if they could just check in with me later, they said yeah, and then we exchanged i love yous. I haven't heard from them for 10 hours. I have been struggling, spiraling, trying my best to reflect, but undoubtedly triggered. But I've been good. I've given them the space. I've mentally written and deleted paragraphs. I've opened and closed our conversations. I'm definitely punishing myself here. To some extent I feel it's rightfully so. Nevertheless, why was I led to do something like this? Sabotage something out of a place of trauma and panic? Accusing and pushing someone away that's been going out of their way during this situation? Not seeing the bigger picture like what my words could mean to others outside of my own direct needs? I also don't do well with space, especially in times of tension or disagreement. They communicated that's what they needed though, at least, but I'm just freaking out here. Why, why, why? Why think of this for no valid, factual reason? Why escalate it when it wasn't worth escalating? Why exhaust something and someone (both of us) with my anxious overthinking? I hate it. And I'm trying to remind myself it doesn't necessarily mean anything dramatic like the end of this relationship, but I can't help it. I hate that my brain is like this now. I hate that my previous traumatic and toxic experiences have made me this way and as a result stress my relationships. I hate that I'm genuinely trying to reflect and put in the work, but I can only say that and apologize so many times before it's clear I'm not based on my actions and patterns. Why is this so hard? What can I do, if anything? Thank you for coming to my crash out 🩷