u/Professional-Pop7239

Today, I broke the no contact with my ex. I promised myself that I would leave him in 2025 but today, I could not resist the temptation any longer. I haven’t spoke or reached out to him in over five months. I knew he deserves better but I keep dragging him along. I feel so bad and I feel like God is punishing me by not sending anyone else. I am ready for a commitment but just not with him. He is very sexual and he only satisfies me in that department. We both feel this way about each other. I am truly heartbroken because I broke my personal vow to him and even myself. Maybe I am a horrible person and don’t deserve a man/ a long term partnership (marriage)

I usually don’t vent on here but you know what freaking hurts. When people make fun of you at the gym when you are actively trying to better yourself and lose weight. Like how are you a gym instructor and make fun of me because I don’t know how to do a damn burpee. Let alone on a Pilates reformer. That shit hurts.. yall make fun of me being plus size but then when I show up to a gym, yall treat me like as I am King Kong and laugh in my face. Alright, I’m done.

I am not sure how to start off this post but for the past couple of months I have been so deprived of love, attention, and even touch. My birthday is coming up soon and I never felt so lonely in my life. I tried to ignore this feeling and this ache but it truly feels unbearable. I often question myself if I’m even lovable, wanted, and even worth the time. It genuinely sucks. Before typing this message, I even considered asking a random person to just pretend as my partner. I would have never thought I would beg for attention. I understand why people might jump to the conclusion and say that I need to work on myself. I genuinely am doing so but then I go out in public and even lay down on my bed and the feeling of loneliness hits. It’s this deep longing for something real, powerful, and beautiful. At the end of each day, I keep wondering if all this ache will be worth it or be in vain.