u/Professional_Copy517

I worked way too hard on the alliteration of that title. I see so many of my fellow plus size pregnant ladies struggling in this group with anxiety around prenatal care and being considered "high risk", and my heart breaks for you.

I want to share my experience + some additional perspective because I want people to know that it IS possible to have a positive experience with prenatal medical care and pregnancy. For transparency, I'm 8w3d, 32 years old 345lbs/155kg, 5'6"/167cm, BMI of 56 (tho BMI is bs anyway and I'll get to that). This is my 3rd pregnancy, but the first one that will be carried to term.

First off, facts do not exist in a vaccum:

- "Increased risk" does not mean "guaranteed". Nor does it always mean anything significant - "increased risk" can mean the difference between 0.1% chance to 0.4% chance. There's still a 99.6% chance that everything is fine. Don't let the language trip you.

- "being obese automatically means a c-section" - no it flipping doesn't. Your body not being strong enough to deliver naturally, or your baby being in danger means a c-section. Being obese does not mean being weak. If you put the work into your core strength, even once already pregnant, and prepare your body for the marathon of labour you CAN avoid a section. This goes for any body, not just plus size ones.

- BMI was invented by an astronomer and mathematician in 1832. Science didn't believe in GERMS until the 1880s.

- BMI was not intended to be used in medicine due to its significant fundamental limitations. (Source: Cureus. 2023 Nov 3;15(11):e48230). It was popularized by the diet industry to improve profitability, and medicine adopted it due to that influence. It's fully bull shit and reputable scientific process reflects that.

No human being is capable of true objectivity, no matter how hard science tries. Everyone still has unconscious bias, because everyone is a socialized individual. This includes medical staff AND the people that write the medical studies. Their attitudes and opinions will reflect those unconscious (and conscious) biases. Don't let their behaviour shake you. If a doctor doesn't have a good answer to a question other than "your weight", you're allowed to ask for the supporting documentation. Be critical of that documentation, and watch for the influence of bias within it. Cross reference with other reputable sources. Google Scholar is your friend. Just don't fall down the Facebook mom group conspiracy rabbit holes (for the love of God pasteurize your freaking milk).

For me personally:

This time around I've had 4 sets of labs/urinalysis, an ultrasound, and multiple doctors visits so far.

- I've never been weighed.

- I've never even had someone mention my weight.

- My medical file does not reflect a high risk pregnancy for any reason.

- My ultrasound tech was whole ass angry when I suggested skipping to the transvaginal because "it's not hard to ask you to lift your belly so we can get at the pubic bone" and "to heck with anyone too lazy to do their job"

- My doctor said that it doesn't actually make as big a difference as science used to think it did, when I asked about any proactive steps I should take because I'm bigger.

You CAN have a healthy pregnancy. You CAN have a "normal" pregnancy. You CAN deliver naturally. You CAN have a positive Prenatal care experience.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk 🤷‍♀️ love you all ❤️

Edit: I was today years old when I found out that FTM means "first time mom" in this context, not "female to male". 😂 My bad. I was just super excited for all the trans men having their own babies.

Please tell me I'm not the only one that feels like this 😅

Edit because it keeps being commented: I'm in therapy, I've been in therapy for years, I know this isn't normal.

My (32) fiance's (40) family are your typical upper middle class, nuclear, stable family that you see in Hallmark movies. They all love and support each other unconditionally (sans like, active assholery/bigotry/etc).

To make a long story short, my family isn't. I don't speak to my parents. Love was always transactional, and the only value I had was what I could provide to others. In my entire life I've never even had a birthday that was truly a celebration of me that I didn't plan/finance alone + bribe people to attend. I also grew up in extreme "wearing my grandma's hand me downs to have clothes/no heat in winter/go to bed hungry" poverty, and have fought my way to a reasonable middle class despite the economy being in the tank.

Their family wants to throw me a surprise bridal shower, but my fiance told me because they knew I'd panic if I didn't know about it. But I'm panicking anyway. My fiance is frustrated because they don't understand why I can't just trust their family.

I feel like if I accept this shower, the effort they put in will set a high expectation for what they get from the wedding that I can't meet or will get to ask for things in exchange. I feel like I'm going to be accepting bribes, not gifts. My mistrust of family relationships is so visceral its part of my DNA at this point. I can't believe that my fiance's family doesn't have ulterior motives, no matter how much I want to. I also feel like them buying anything for me is taking food directly out of their kids mouths, like my family did to me to buy gifts for coworkers/friends for Christmas/etc.

I'm drowning in fear because everything has always been transactional. I'm drowning in guilt because I can't -not- be afraid. I feel like I'm backed into a corner by my partner and their entire family with no one to back me up. That im fighting a war trying to get anyone to understand. That I'm ruining everything by trying to have boundaries to keep me from losing my grip on reality.

Please for the love of all that is good on Reddit someone tell me that it's not just me.

Additional context for interest:

Planning our wedding has already been difficult because their family all want to help, but I can't believe that there isn't a catch. That letting them contribute their time (not even their money) means they get to have high expectations for being repaid in kind. Alternatively, That accepting their help isn't setting myself up to have to damage control the work of 15 people on my wedding day when they inevitably don't keep their word/follow through.