u/Psychological-Egg555

I'm a woman of pakistani origin (born and raised abroad) and someting that has deeply bothered me is double standards between men and women. I never thought of marriage as a goal/dream because I have seen many unhappy marriages in my life. It is not to say if I do find somebody who genuinely aligns with me, I would be happy to consider marriage, but I have always been made to feel "lesser than" men and when people do suggest guys to me, it doesn't feel they are suggesting b/c of alignment but rather somebody who would marry me because of some incentive.

Alhamdullilah, by Allah(SWT)'s grace, I have a doctorate degree and masters. I work in a good company. I do not need a guy to have the same education as me, but when I get suggested guys, I am told the guy is "so amazing, ambitious, good looking and has a great career" and that I should be the one to run after him and show interest so that another girl will not take him. Upon looking at the guy's profile, there is nothing about the guy that suggests he's so extraordinary and above my level that I have to run after him - his job and education is either similar or even a little less than mine, his looks are okay and frequently I'm suggested guys abroad for whom the burden would be on me to sponsor and possibly financially provide till they find a job where I live. I've also been suggested divorced guys, and while again that's not a dealbraker, I'm told "that is even better as he will know what he wants next time".

Is it just me or do people not extend the same praise to girls? I am just as or even more educated than many men, but that's not celebrated the way a man is when he has a career. I have never been married but yet I am told to chase the "divorce guy" because "he's so much better". Would anybody say the same thing to a divorced woman? The double standards I am sorry to say drive me crazy - I am not saying this to necessarily criticize all men as individuals, but criticize the way people perceive men so differently and shower them for complements for doing the bare minimum whereas we can go above and beyond and people will still find faults within us. I feel this is why more women are getting frustrated and chosing to stay single in the modern age.

EDIT: If you are a man trying to slide into DMS, I will not respond.

I'm in my mid-thirties, single and wondering how much this has happened to other women - I am by no means a perfect person but I work hard and try to challenge myself constantly in my personal and professional life. I've had friends/relatives suggest me guys and while I don't mind it, I've had people try to aggressively match-make and preface that the guy in question is a catch and that I should talk, chase, flirt with him "before another girl quickly grabs him".

When I see the profile, I don't quite understand what makes the guy so above my league that I am the one asked to chase. I feel people think a guy working at a fortune 500 or similar company means I should "run after him", but I work in a good company too and have a doctorate and masters which generally is more education than the men I'm presented with. Not that any of this matters to me - I'd be okay with a guy with any education background and good work ethic as long as we are emotionally compatible and really vibe, but when I'm shown profiles of men, nobody is thinking about emotional compatibility, they're making it seem the guy is too good for me and I have an opportunity to get him even though we have virtually the same bare minimum qualities on paper.

Furthermore, an example of a guy I was suggested to - he was found on a Facebook match page by a relative who was convinced he's "cute, ambitious, amazing with a great job" with 10 seconds of reading his profile. He lived abroad (I'm from the US) and he was apparently divorced once, which I was told "is even better because he will know what he wants the 2nd time around". Again, these things aren't dealbrakers if I know the context, but I don't agree with the framing at all, especially because I have heard many cases of people from my family's country getting incentivized by visa and there have been many stories of guys leaving the wife after getting sponsorship. And while there's nothing wrong with divorce, being told a divorced guy is even better because he has clarity....I've never heard people talking about divorced women the same way. Yet, I was the one told to chase him, talk to him, flirt with him so he "picks me". But the reality is the onus would be on me to sponsor the guy, deal with providing financially while the guy finds work (which I'm told he would have no problem finding a job since he works a great one abroad).

On top of this, people share my health info without my consent to such guys - I have an autoimmune disease and get told "by the way, he's totally fine with you having <disease>". Of course, I would share this on my own terms if I decided to talk to the guy, but saying it this way makes me feel people think a guy is doing a huge favor by accepting me as such. Despite my illness, I've ran half-marathons and marathons - should I be asking the guy too if he's done all of that? Or should I ask for his blood reports? Lol.

Is it just me who finds all of this messed up? I'm curious to know if you have delt with feeling like men's acceptance criteria is much more lax than women's

I’m in my mid thirties and have overall been fine being single. I am not opposed to a relationship, but I would want to be with somebody who is genuinely interested in me as a person and is fun to talk/banter with. Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to me how difficult it is to find a guy who can hold a decent convo with. I have used apps on/off and go to a lot of hobby groups (not for relationship purposes, but to keep myself busy and see what’s out there) and the men I meet there seem like we would just be friends at best. When I talk, it seems like they aren’t even really listening to me.

I’m fine being single because I would much rather entertain myself with fulfilling hobbies than be with somebody for the sake of it. However, I do feel judged for it and when I see my friends who’d be the last people I’d think who’d get married or cousins younger than me married staring families now, it makes me feel weird. One of my friends actually never had romantic feelings for anybody really and was never on apps - a relative suggested a guy to her and she talked for a year not really sure how she felt about him because he wasn’t very conversational and sometimes blunt. Because he wasn’t “bad” per se, she finally decided to marry him and I guess she is okay with that decision but it felt weird for me for a long while because she was one of the few friends who seemed to understand there’s more to life than marriage and then it felt like she basically caved in. Obviously, I accepted friends can be similar but have different perspectives and experiences that lead us to different things in life but having my single friends or relative narrow with time, I feel weird even though I deeply know being single is better than being in a bad relationship I guess I’m conscious about it too because I feel judged being single as I have relatives suggesting random Facebook profiles of guys overseas who they found on a Facebook matchmaking page and think I should just get married as that would “cure” loneliness. Just wondering if others wrestle with two opposing feelings in this regard