I Don’t Think I’ll Enjoy my Birthday
So I was at work today and fasting- >!I was 2 days and an hour in when we closed-!< but during my shift I was thinking about my birthday tomorrow and how I didn’t want to feel faint all day so I made the decision to eat after work. I decided I wanted some unhealthier food considering I didn’t plan on eating much anyway so I got these sticks of peanut butter filled wafer/chocolate and some pumpkin spice cakes, planning to eat maybe half of each. They were higher calorie, but I really wanted to be able to enjoy my birthday and I figured it was fine because of how long I’d fasted. I had a coworker check me out, and he looked at the calories and said, “>!You eat like you should be 500lbs.”!< Along with this, when another coworker was around he made a joke about me being a fatass because I bought so many of the snacks (they didn’t come individually). The other coworker kinda looked at him odd and said “You’re calling HER a fatass?” And laughed a bit, (>!even I have to admit that while I see fat on my body still, I’m underweight and it’s visible I’m pretty skinny, even if not enough to actually concern anyone. There really is very little fat visible and none is really visible to my coworkers in my uniform cuz they can’t see my shoulders and collarbones, which is how most people get concerned- it’s all in my stomach!<) and the original one said “She isn’t fat at all, but fat and fatass are different. Fatass just means they eat a lot of unhealthy food at once” (I never said I was going to eat it all at once) They were joking around and, admittedly, I was joking around back despite being close to tears because I didn’t want them to know the truth but he got more careful after that I think, there’s a chance he noticed-I was also joking around with them for the simple reason of he was he same coworker to make fun of me (nicely, he’s never really rude) when I ordered a salad when me and some of our coworkers went out to eat at a mostly breakfast place. (He jokes around a lot, I don’t blame him for his comment that’s just how he is and he really has no way of knowing I have disordered eating habits or how long it had been since I’d eaten). However, that immediately made me want to get rid of the food, leading me to give almost all of the pumpkin spice cakes to my coworkers. (>!Btw when I say high calorie I mean they were small but like 260 or 300 cals depending on which kind you ate- I think they were Betty Crocker).!< I got home and ate a small serving of pasta salad along with the pumpkin spice thing and the peanut butter thing. However, I couldn’t finish either- nor could I finish the small muffin my dad got me. The only thing I could finish was the pasta salad, the others got a few bites before I threw them out because I hated that I allowed myself to eat when I was supposed to wake up tomorrow to a new low weight. Now I don’t think I’m going to enjoy my birthday, those were also meant to be a treat so I could have something without caring too much that day but I couldn’t even make myself like them again. Idk what to do, I really wanted to enjoy my birthday but I feel like I’m going to spend the whole day wishing I hadn’t eaten or bought anything tonight and hating that I’ll have to eat tomorrow.