u/Pure_Loan_2306

My boyfriend and I were planning to get engaged in the next couple of months (he’s already asked for my ring size/design). We’re long distance until Christmas but see each other 1–2 times a month.

He has significant communication issues that he acknowledges—he tends to shut down or avoid difficult conversations. Before getting engaged, I’ve wanted us to work through improving communication. No matter how gently I raised this, he interprets this as criticism rather than us solving problems together, despite acknowledging his communication issues, so conversations often become circular.

He visited last week with the shared goal of reconnecting. The first night he passionately kissed me before saying he didn’t want to have sex until he had “clarity.” The next day we resolved a lot, and that night he again passionately kissed me, had an erection, grinded against me, then stopped things again. The final night nothing happened.

The next morning before he left I told him I felt repeatedly rejected, especially because he’d initiated things twice. He admitted he’d actually come intending not to have sex at all but didn’t tell me. He also said he’d feel just as hurt if I did that to him, then broke down crying and repeatedly apologised.

He insists he’s very attracted to me and that the physical response proved that, but says he needs to feel our relationship issues are fully resolved first. Because we’re long distance, this likely means around two months without sex despite this trip being intended to help us reconnect.

I’m concerned that he A) admitted he would feel the same if the situation was reversed B) he seems to be blocking intimacy despite initiating it. I don’t know how I should be approaching this…

tl;dr boyfriend refusing sex after arguments stemming from his acknowledged communication issues, but keeps initiating it. I feel rejected time and time again, don’t know how to proceed in the relationship.

My boyfriend and I were planning to get engaged in the next couple of months (he’s already asked for my ring size/design). We’re long distance until Christmas but see each other 1–2 times a month.

He has significant communication issues that he acknowledges—he tends to shut down or avoid difficult conversations. Before getting engaged, I’ve wanted us to work through improving communication. No matter how gently I raised this, he interprets this as criticism rather than us solving problems together, despite acknowledging his communication issues, so conversations often become circular.

He visited last week with the shared goal of reconnecting. The first night he passionately kissed me before saying he didn’t want to have sex until he had “clarity.” The next day we resolved a lot, and that night he again passionately kissed me, had an erection, grinded against me, then stopped things again. The final night nothing happened.

The next morning before he left I told him I felt repeatedly rejected, especially because he’d initiated things twice. He admitted he’d actually come intending not to have sex at all but didn’t tell me. He also said he’d feel just as hurt if I did that to him, then broke down crying and repeatedly apologised.

He insists he’s very attracted to me and that the physical response proved that, but says he needs to feel our relationship issues are fully resolved first. Because we’re long distance, this likely means around two months without sex despite this trip being intended to help us reconnect.

I’m concerned that he A) admitted he would feel the same if the situation was reversed B) he seems to be blocking intimacy despite initiating it. I don’t know how I should be approaching this…

tl;dr boyfriend refusing sex after arguments stemming from his acknowledged communication issues, but keeps initiating it. I feel rejected time and time again, don’t know how to proceed in the relationship.