u/Purple-mountains-inc

i’m on 150 lamictal and it’s been almost 9 months now.

During these months I managed to get out of depression but also had a mental breakdown at work, almost quit, purchased an expensive vacation and I’m still very broke 3 months later, get a bf, break up with him 4 times, kick him out of the house cz of his messy habits then miss him and beg him back, then promise him not to kick him out again so instead I start being so cold that he ended up breaking up with me, I yelled at mom for not knowing how to properly care for my cat, and for criticising me, got into many arguments with coworkers and some of my relationships with them got strained, got into a fight with my landlord and almost moved out, and I developed a new shopping addiction and a new desire to be very sexual in ways that are new to me.

Am I in the right to be pissed off and angry when people wrong me or is this mania?

Please someone advise me, I can’t seem to be able to separate my mood from my personality.

Or am I just an asshole?

The nicest I’ve ever been in my life was when I was on vraylar, but I became depressed and had akathisia.

I’ve took vraylar for 1 year and I witnessed a mew nice version of me, was the vraylar me my real personality or just the product of being on vraylar?

i’m so confused, please help.

Anyone else feels like they’re an asshole who is ruining their own life but can’t stop being one?

I don’t know if this is the right place, please mods feel free to delete this post if it’s triggering.
I discarded him 4 times in 1 month. I’m not feeling stable at all and I’m trying my best to work with my psych and therapist to stabilize myself and every week I modify my medication dosage.
The thing is, every part of my being misses him, I miss his voice so much, his eyes, his smile, and other things I can’t type.
I discarded him because I got so angry with him, every time I wanted him close, I wanted him to care for me, he felt distant and it drove me insane.
I really don’t know if this is the right place to post. What can I do?
Last time we were together I got furious with him because he seemed cold and mean and I told him to leave my house.

He did tell me that I hurt him a lot when I discarded him the previous times and I was doing my best not to. He told me I make him feel like he’s a doormat.

In reality it might be the opposite, I’m crazy about him and the smallest thing that might hint that he doesn’t care for me would kill me inside and cause me to push him away immediately.

Is this relationship doomed? If you were in his shoes, what would you expect me to do? Or what would you do yourself?

Anybody else?

Within a month I almost quit my job and cried on the floor there and almost ran away and took impulsive vacations where I didn’t answer anyone and was very rude with my coworkers.
I got myself a new boyfriend and dumped him every week and begged him to come back.
I spent all my salary and savings on god knows what, now I booked a very expensive trip and have 1 dollar in my bank account (not kidding).
I got a bonus from work because somehow I managed to exhaust myself and work hard before and after I took my impulsive vacation.
I bought my boss an expensive gift for no reason.
I yelled at my boyfriend cause he added pepper on my food and I didn’t want pepper.

My psychiatrist and therapist are concerned.

I’m on 150mg now, was on 100mg. Should I wait for the 150mg to do its job or consider upping the dose or changing this medication?

I’m 4 AM here, been sleep deprived, super irritable at work and had dreams about lashing out on my coworkers and risking losing my work.

I need Jesus, or an exorcism.