Im asking this because I do everything for shits and giggles and now Im an actual goddess to someone on discord and they worship me and follow my doctrine. Im doing this for fun, and i started wondering how my cognitive functions would affect this.
It literally just randomly fell off. And then I was thinking "Oh, mundane before magick. I thrifted it so the chain must be getting old" And then I RIPPED OFF MY PRESS-ONS TO FIX IT, and then it breaks again 2 MORE TIMES??? And then i was like "Okay, this is not a fucking coincidence." And then it breaks AGAIN?!? WHAT IS THIS?!? Im mad asf cuz im too broke to buy another one. I undertsand it mustve happened for a reason, and im usually one to over-rationalise things so maybe thats why it broke so many times. BUT I RIPPED OFF MY PRESS-ONS FOR THIS. And! AND!! The chain is GOLD. Its not breaking anytime soon(i love this necklace so much its proper gold not gold plated and rose quartz and i got it for 4 pound life is good) But why??? And it happened when my brother threw a bag of candy at me and it landed behind my bed and i just started crashing out cuz i have a loft bed and i was NOT coming down.But i have no problems with my brother??? Im angriest about MY BELOVED PRESS-ONS.</3
For starters, I don't really like talking about my negative experiences so keep that in mind when reading this. For yall to get the context of the situation i have to start from the beginning.
My family is muslim. Like, my entire family. They were born and raised into Islam, and so was I. Ever since I was young I had questions about the religion that could not be answered by anyone I knew, so I ended up completely engrossing myself in researching this religion. I was so scared of burning in hell that I kept forcing myself to do things I'm not comfortable with. Eventually, I ended up leaving Islam in 2022.
Now back to present day. I've been pagan for 2 years and been secretly practicing for fear of my life. Specifically of my father. Long story short (its actually really long), I knew if I told him I left Islam, am pansexual and am pagan..well, not good things would happen. Eventually I got so tired of this constant fear of my family abandoning me because of their conditional love, their hatred for people who arent like them, that I told them. My mother was silent, and so was my father. I have never been so scared in my entire life. They didnt even know half of the truth. I had lied and told them I was an atheist so at least the blow would be softened. The next day, I tried to go to school without the hijab. My mother screamed at me, and my father brought me into his room and told me if he ever saw me outside without it on, he'd make it so I wouldnt be able to do anything of my own accord anymore. I took it off the moment I stepped outside. I loved it. I had never felt the wind blowing through my hair before, and I never wanted to hide myself again. I was so happy to feel like a human being, like myself. I went to school and when I came back home I put the hijab back on and went inside the house. It was silent. Too silent. Too silent for a house with six people, the loudest six people in the flat. I locked the door, took of my shoes and walked into the house. Inside, I found my mother in the living room. She looked solemn, and said my father was calling me. I was terrified. If he was calling me, it only ever meant bad news. I went to his room and knocked, then entered. He was sitting there with a pair of huge black and silver scissors and a smile on his face. I dont like when he smiles, it's only ever to mock others. I sat down and he asked me if I knew why he was holding that pair of scissors. I said no. He said he would cut all of my hair off, make me look like a prisoner, and do a lot more. He asked if I was wearing the hijab today. I lied and said yes. He believed me once he saw how flat my hair was (i had flattened it while walking home so it looks like i was wearing it all day). I tried to leave, but he made me sit down again and asked me what I was. I lied and told him I was an atheist, and he asked if I even know what that means. I stayed silent (whenever I reply to him he thinks im 'talking smart') and he started to berate me and call me names and say that i dont even know what i am, that im a kafir, that ill end up pregnant and dead on the streets, that im destined to become a druggie and nobody will ever love me, that nothing will save me from the fires of hell, that if he ever sees me without that damn scarf on hell make sure nobody will ever find me.
That was in February. I was hiding myself in the house and taking off the hijab for 4 months (including february) of this year.(my friends call me magical girl because of the amount of times theyve spotted me changing on the bus)I had felt happy, felt free. I felt like a person, not an object for attraction, of sin. Until two weeks ago. I was late for a doctors appointment (that i had been waiting for for literal months, and had forgotten I had until the last moment) so I was running to the bus. I was stopped by my head of year (who ive had many conflicts with in the past) and I shoved past her and mumbled something about being late, before running onto the bus. She screamed(she actually screamed) at me that my knee-length pencil skirt was inappropriate and revealing (but literally everyone else wears them, even shorter ones aswell) and i ignored her and got onto the bus.
When I came home, my father took my things from me and left the house. Bewildered, I went to my mother to ask what was going on, only to be met with a scowl and the words, verbatim "Are you even my daughter?".Confused, I asked what was going on, and she said that my head of year had called her and said a lot of things about me. That my skirt was so short that my butt was hanging out, I had tattoos on my thighs and arms, I've been causing trouble for other students at school. I was confused. I dont have any fucking tattoos. My skirt was long as the Shard. My uniform was FUCKING PRISTINE. I, confused, asked my mom if she really believed that, to which she said yes. I went into my room to put away my blazer. My heart sand to the core of the earth. He'd taken everything. Literally everything. My makeup, my sewing machine, my clothes(the ones that werent abayas, so almost all of them), my perfumes, my skincare, my fucking medications, he took off everything from my alter. I ran to my alter, fearful because I had not yet told them that im the very thing they fear me becoming. Everything was gone, it was empty.
Ive never cried so much in my life.
I went to the living room, sitting down on the sofa. I didnt care anymore. Was this even real?Everythings gone. He took my fucking underwear. My UNDERWEAR.(He's always had an odd obsession with my breasts. I wish I was joking. He can tell whenever I get a new bra and its gotten to the point im uncomfortable being in the same room as him because he just wont stop staring).I sat there for an hour, crying uncontrollably. Maybe this was all a dream, right? I had to convince myself this wasnt real so I didnt do something rash. Because I knew what this meant. I knew what would happen to me. I'm not going to get into that, because I don't know if I'm allowed to put that here.
I have a tiktok account that I put my heart and soul into. It's public, and I usually post about my experiences and life so I can find likeminded people and make friends with them. Some of the sweetest people I know ive met from there. Today, in the changing rooms at school, some girl in my class started screaming at me that she believes in jesus christ her lord and saviour and how could i even consider doing witchcraft and to not do that to her because shell fight me. I ignored her. Her and half of the class kept doing that to me for the rest of the lesson. Near the end of the lesson, some girl said to raise our hands if we believe in god. I ignored her. They were all staring at me. I left the class early with my friend who was with me tho whole time. She kept glancing at the girl so I think maybe she knows what she was talking about? I usually post about my religion and struggles on my tiktok account, and it mightve shown up on her for your page because the videos have recently begun gaining traction.I don't know. My parents still wont let me leave the house without that thing on my head. I've had a taste of freedom and now I cant get enough. I fucking hate this.
How should I convince my parents to allow me outside without the hijab? My dad stalks me everywhere. Im not joking. I have to circle round random roads because he predicts where I go and follows, thinking I dont notice. I don't care much for the girls at school, I'm leaving next year anyways. My dad also sold my phone so thats nice. Me and my mom plan on kicking him out june 15th this year. So if anyone cares i guess ill update.
(Little note thingy, I guess. Religion is a beautiful thing and so is not having any. People should have the right to believe in what they want without fear. I do not hate Islam, or Christianity, or any religion. I'm also not trying to discriminate against anyone. I'm just telling my experience)