u/Purple_Fault_4231

I’ve always had pretty low self esteem since I’ve been bullied my whole life, sometimes not even knowing it (I’m autistic). I do have a support system and people saying how cool I am to my face, but it doesn’t do much? I feel happy knowing that so many people look up to me and I want to have that kind of impact on people, but I never truly feel it. I never feel good about myself deep down and I’m incredibly shy when it comes to talking to people. Don’t get me wrong I love making new acquaintances, but I feel stressed afterwards and like they don’t truly like me. I want to actually be a bubbly cool person, but how do I FEEL like one?

I think I know WHY I feel this way and sadly it’s not just from bullying, but awful people in my life. I give people too many chances and all of my attention only for me to get lovebombed then scolded for the tiniest things or flat out ignored. Yes yes don’t give bad people your time, but I keep gaslighting myself into thinking “oh they’ll see how patient I am with them and they’ll do the same for me!” ……no lol

I learned that many fellow enfps get super depressed on their period and while a lot of other types do, it’s a bit more soul crushing for us. I hate feeling like my best trait (creativity) is stripped from me because I feel lethargic and like nothing matters. I had a severe panic attack yesterday over a disagreement which ended a friendship and it’s still lingering today. I wasn’t even super close with this person, but I feel like my cycle exacerbates my already high anxiety and I also dip heavily into OCD rituals I’m trying to break. Does anyone know what to do during this? It’s more than just being moody, it’s like I’m a whole different person. Same could be said for particularly dark and stressful times, I don’t know how to bring my enthusiasm and creativity back. I usually wait it out but right now it feels unbearable. I use art to cope, but what’s the point if whenever I draw I don’t feel anything?

Then of course I go back to being normal right after shark week, but I want to know how to make it a little more bearable

I want to point out first and foremost that no I do not think people with BPD are evil or irredeemable. I am sympathetic towards those who struggle, but my empathy starts to run dry with people like this

I was friends with this person who I’m gonna call Mads (it’s nothing like her real name, don’t go looking for her) and we got close very quickly. I’m super trusting of others and I am willing to let a lot of things slide. I would want someone to give me grace and not hold a grudge against me if I’m having a bad day. Mads suddenly cut all contact with me and many others and it fucking hurt since there was nothing to warn us. I found her new account and messaged her asking why she decided to just leave all of a sudden and she acted like we were never close and that we weren’t friends, just talking. Then turns out her parents didn’t want her to be friends with people online. I forgave her and she decided to come back anyway.

This has happened multiple times, if I pissed her off or didn’t talk to her enough then she would leave me and come back begging for forgiveness. I don’t know WHY I gave her so many chances, but I did. I literally told her I wouldn’t be able to text much during the month of June since I had a painting class to attend for the entire month. She ignored that and still blocked me and somehow we ended up being friends again after me begging her to forgive me.

I usually call my gf all day but Mads wanted to call me and it would be hard to choose. Sometimes I would overcompensate and I couldn’t even talk to my gf bc Mads would get upset if I didn’t talk to her. Any time I said I didn’t know who to choose she would say “I’d rather you call your gf” then get upset when I don’t spend enough time with her. At some point I’d call her but then it would have to end minutes later because she was tired. Her apologies were non-apologies and always had to be coaxed out of her only to be told “Sorry you feel offended” when she would make fun of my close relationship with my mom “you’re 18 and you sleep in bed with your mom?” (My dad was gone for Thanksgiving god forbid I’m an only child and didn’t want her to feel lonely) or talking down to me about my interests. I changed my profile picture to Randal Ivory since I had just read Ranfren and got obsessed with it, but she was very combative when asking why my profile picture was of the “incest gooner comic” anyone who has actually read it knows that’s a fucking stretch. I told her that she hurt my feelings by antagonizing me and her apology was weak

I took this as a sign to leave. My empathy was wearing thin and I tried being understanding towards her disorder. I’m only bringing her disorder up since Mads’ favorite excuse was “I’m splitting” and “I was having an episode”. It’s one thing to lash out at friends because of a disorder, but the line is drawn for me when you consistently refuse to apologize or roll your eyes and act like you have an attitude. Of course she freaked out when I unfriended her and she guilt tripped me into coming back to her by saying how she wanted me to be at her wedding since we were so close. She always considered me her best friend, but I felt bad when I never truly considered her the same. The fucking audacity to whine and say “I’m a bit paranoid because I can’t leave you did that to me” when she left me 5 fucking times and I tried my BEST to look past it.

When I finally left her for good it was hard. She was upset that I wasn’t messaging her and I told her to wait because I was taking a bath and wanted to relax. Mads didn’t respect that and it was the last boundary I was done with being crossed. I called my girlfriend (I felt so bad when they were crying and begging me to leave Mads) and I blocked her. She was still in the private server we had and spammed me saying she was sorry and she needed me.

Weeks later I get an apology from her and I thought it was sincere, but I didn’t take her back. I got messaged by an ex mutual of ours and I was informed that she stole a character design that I had made and it was of a character that she KNEW I adored (blocked me so I couldn’t see her account). She had the gull to try and copy my other characters and I quickly called her out. She ran off and deactivated her account, she always did this. I learned that others have had awful experiences with her and I can’t even begin to go into everything she has done to me or others.

I know she treated me wrong and I don’t accept her apology anymore. I just don’t know if it was a toxic friendship or an emotionally abusive one. I’ve cried over her so many times and tried adjusting my behavior to accommodate her, but she never did the same to me. I can’t even say that last apology was genuine when she had someone else stalk my accounts. I want nothing to do with her, but now I’m sent into a rage even thinking about what she did. I feel stupid for thinking we ever could end on good terms and I couldn’t have salvaged it. I didn’t set boundaries and I got hurt, I set boundaries firmly and they got ignored. Sorry if this seems disorganized, my typing isn’t the best nor is my memory of events. I do however remember exactly how I felt during these moments and I feel sick knowing she is this obsessed with me