Permanent Detachment From Everyone
I used to be such a bright and outgoing kid. I'm in my early 20s now and for years, I've been unable to connect with anyone. I'm talking people I should instantly want to be friends with- kind, shared interests, genuine, fun. I'm drained within seconds of interacting with anyone. I don't want to be an asshole so I smile and laugh and hope they stop talking to me.
Failed suicide attempt last year. Returned to a job I used to like. Back in school. I still maintain the same commitments to not set off any alarms with my friends, but I'm barely ever present or passionate.
I simply don't want to be around people anymore. Being with friends is a performance. Work is a performance. Being at home is torture. Being conscious is starting to take a physical toll on me. I'm in pain. I wish I could sincerely connect with people like I used to but I feel like that part of me is severed forever. I'm a fraud and a liar.
Besides my siblings needing me for a few years longer to guide them, there's nothing keeping me here. Even that seems trivial now. There's no emotional attachment in it. It's only a mechanical obligation.