Shit shit shit I really did too much this time it hurts and it’s oozing and bleeding and ugh it’s going to be worse tomorrow and harder to resist picking at later. I knew I shouldn’t and I couldn’t stop myself and now I feel so dumb and ashamed and it hurts so much.
How am I seriously living this reality? I told myself I would not accept this… again… ugh
The truth is 90% of the time things are great. He has antisocial disorder and tonight was the second psychotic episode I’ve experienced since getting close to him a little over a year and a half ago.
Why do I have more sympathy for his clearly physically abusive ass than respect for myself to send him walking and not look back after two painful, scary and violent episodes? Attachment issues? Is it that simple? What’s my deal am I just too stubborn to give up?
Most of the time he’s amazing, honestly. I am rooting for him and hate to actually think of giving up on him.
Could it genuinely be that on some chemical level it’s not totally his fault? Like I did note some signs of hypo mania yesterday and then today he exploded. I wanted to be there for him but didn’t know how. I asked if he’s been taking his meds and he said yes. Not in a mean way, I was really kind and sincere about it.
Idk this doesn’t happen super frequently (twice in a year and a half) and I can’t help but have compassion because it seems symptomatic and I myself have myriad mental health conditions(cptsd, gad, ocd, social anxiety, panic attacks, the works).
But holy shit was it scary and wow my whole body hurts from being tackled, thrown down, and pinned to the ground. Ahh how embarrassing and truly painful; all my body from fingers to neck to toes, everything is sore already and I feel that it’ll be much worse tomorrow. I couldn’t believe it while it was happening and it was just genuinely heartbreaking.
Truly it was terrifying how violent he became. It’s just… I know that’s not him, or the him when he’s in his right mind normally, balanced… I feel so helpless…
And I know firsthand what it’s like to be out of control, because I’ve done inappropriate things when having attacks or episodes or what have you from my long list of anxiety disorders since literally all my life… the big difference is I always feel instantly regretful and apologize sincerely…
Well he doesn’t. I don’t blame him 100%, but then I feel stupid for being too sympathetic and not mad enough. Mostly I’m in physical pain and ashamed that I still love him dearly. I hate to see him in this state. I am so sad this happened. I wish there was more I could do.
He’s not in his right mind really; he wouldn’t normally do this. Shit ugh why am I sounding crazier than he has been! Where’s the line between holding someone accountable and understanding that being actually clinically off is not something to take lightly?
TL; DR his mental illness has caused two awful violent outbursts and then somehow my mental illness tells me “it’s not his fault, take care of him.” But I believe it fr and idk how delusional I am so I came to Reddit. Help!