u/Queasy-Ad-4577

It's hopeless.. Why even try?

People always say the exact same stuff, which doesn't work.

"Give it up to God"
"Let God do the fight for you"
"You need to stop fighting"

I've been wasting, solid 3-4 hours of my life, just on porn.. wasting it, loathing it..

I have been given so many gifts from God.. and my OCD want to throw it all away, and even that has caused me depression over so many things.. for months those thoughts have kept coming in.. Porn is my only escape, I've been here for 12 years, I got addicted when I was about 7-8.. I'm 19 now..

I'll always be an addict..

Honestly, who is tanking 5 bean bag shots to the chest from a 10 feet distance, and also tanking 5 pistols rounds?

I cant even beat 23 megabytes a second, without fatalities, it's one of the easiest maps.. But NONE of the AI want to give up at all, no matter how much you shoot them with non lethal guns..

The dude tanked 2 flashes, 5 bean bags, 5 pistol rounds, rushed out and kills me? I'm sorry after the 6th attempt I'm honestly frustrated.

They don't open doors till the second you lock pick it, and they're slamming it in your face repeatedly and then shoot you through the door too..

I've been having thoughts about giving up my gifts, blessings, my mind off to people.. since.. 4-5 months. I've tried to fight it over and over..

It kept getting worse after my breakup a month ago, and.. it's gone down to the point where I'm punching my legs out and punching at walls, clawing my fingers into my palm till they leave marks.

Today it happened again.. I have a 12 year old "corn" addiction too, and I've sinned and done it today as well.. and in my mind I went "with that I seal the deal to give up my xyz".. I didn't feel anything.. I didn't feel instant fear, or anger or shame.. I didn't feel anything.. and that made me think I didn't care about my blessings anymore.. So I went out and started punching my legs again.. I must have hit them 30 times.. and in the end they didn't even feel sore at all..

I don't know what I'm doing.. I feel a strange sense of calm which I've not felt before, even with the thoughts coming in here and there.. I don't know if it's because the worst has happened.. or.. if I'm actually improving.. But the calmness came up so fast, I was crying in the morning, for God to not take away my blessings, and in the evening I'm in this calm state where even if I do get thoughts, I just wave them off.. and.. after I watched "corn" , I had the "big one"..

I don't know anymore man.. I just don't.. all I wanted to do in medschool, was to study my heart out to be the greatest.. I don't know what's happened to me..

I've had a ton of OCD in the past few months.. so much so it's gone to the point of self harm, and I do have other problems at home which contributed to this.. I've had thoughts of "giving away my intellect" for a long time.. maybe 4-5 months.. I understand that I have a lot of gifts in life, and one of them is my mind.. Which I love.. It's carried me this far by God's grace.. I'm in medschool, got loving parents, etc. All of those are gifts right? Well since the past 4 months my mind has constantly whispering "give it away".. over and over and over.. and ever since that breakup, I've gotten bitter with my ex, she scored well in exams, and I got really upset and my ego couldn't take it, that she's moved on and I'm still stuck.

The problem is, I've been having thoughts even more painful to hear, about giving away my calling, or my desire to study, or my love for studying, or.. swapping places with her cuz she's doing so much better than me.. But that's not true, becasue I have a lot to work on in some places, and that's why I'm doing a little worse. But I know what God gave me, is perfect for ME.. even if I had Einstine's brain, or Alexander flemming's brain, it'd still be a downgrade from what I have.. I know and accept that..

But I can't shake off the fear that everytime I talk with her, and get one of those thoughts.. God might just take away what I've been given.. and trade it off with someone else..

I know the first answer might be "seek a Christian counsellor" where I'm from, they're very rare.. and I'm not in a palce to do that right now.. It just feels like every word, every lash out, every time I rant to God, every jealous thought, every look at another person is just another opportunity to be jealous about someone else's gift and God might just "take mine away from me and swap it with another"..

I came to medschool to read and learn everything I can, and I had huge dreams to be a really great doctor.. and after these thoughts, I'm so scared He'll take it away I'm so scared I've given it out of my own volition, I'm so scared that.. I'll lose something precious just because I can't see how precious it is RIGHT NOW.. Maybe I will be excellent in the future.. and saying all these things might make God mad.. and what if He says "well.. relaly? you don't want what I gave you? sure.. I'll take it away and give you what YOU want.. and give him/her, what you DIDN'T want!"

I've been punching my legs, punching walls, crying in my room, my parents had a huge fight a long while back, about me and with me too, so I can't go and confide with them.. I've been stuck like this for a month now man... I'm getting tired..

I(19M) agreed to being with a woman who is not of the faith.. It's gone on for 2 months.. we've crossed the "I love you"'s.. and the cute romances and the long talks.. I know I know how stupid I've been to even agreeing to be with her, I should have said no, it was my fault, I made a mistake, and I'm admitting it.. It was stupid of me..

But my heart has been growing more and more guilty by the second that maybe this isn't what God wants from me..

I feel as if I'm sinning.. and I know that this is wrong no matter how good it makes me feel with her..

My only simple question... Whatdo I tell her.. and do I leave.. She's made it clear that she won't convert, even if I give her loads of time.. I've tried talking about Christ to her, she is receptive and is fine with that.. But.. Ever since I got that verse from Exodus 33:16..

I got this "conviction" last night, but from then it's died down.. I could be with her.. Ignore what God said and love her, because I genuinely do enjoy her and love spending time with her, and she's everything I asked for and more..

But she's not of Christ.. and that hurts me..

I really need some help.. Sometimes my feelings say "yes please I need her, stay with her it'll work out God is surely with you".. some times, I feel as if I'm sinning against Him, by being with her.. and that my calling and purpose is being side tracked because of this..