u/QuestionableRebirth

Every time I leave my apartment, there’s a negative interaction with people. People blubbering their lips, angry stares at me, exasperated sighs when people walk past, people closing doors on me, yesterday someone coughed on me, people watching me from other car (yesterday), people crossing the street to avoid me. Coworkers who just stare and whisper and store employees who just walk away when I ask for help with something. Family members who mock you to your face.

I developed functional neurological disorder and lost function and muscle tone on the right half of my face from the stress. It was hell. I’ve barely left my apartment in two years. I’ve been unemployed for a few months because I left my job due to harassment and bumming.

A month ago I got TMS therapy and was feeling so much better. My neurological symptoms diminished. I have a job interview lined up for Tuesday. But lo and behold, these negative interactions keep piling up and I don’t know if I can go back out there again. I don’t think my body can handle the stress. I wound up in the ER last year from weight loss and stomach ulcers and neurological symptoms.

Fuck this shitty world. The people who were graced with an average to beautiful face have no fucking idea of how ignorant they are to how the world really works. Fuck this shit. I’m a bright, curious, ambitious guy who wants to contribute something but instead I’m consigned to be a freak for the rest of my life. Even family friends and family members I’ve known my whole life are afraid to speak with me.

Fuck this all.

I recently completed a course of TMS therapy and have overall found it very helpful. I feel much more connected to my body and small tasks feel a lot easier to manage. However, I am coming up against a wall in dealing with social paranoia.

A lot of my trauma has to do with social ostracism and harassment. Every time I pass by people in a store or in the hallway or walking anywhere I anticipate angry stares or huffing, loud and obvious sighing, “ughs” and ews”, etc. I’m trying my best to incorporate some CBT into my mindset around this aspect, but I can’t help but feel that my fears are creating minor auditory hallucinations or distortions because my brain is so accustomed to these negative thin slice judgements from people. Has anyone dealt with this, had success in managing it, or know of any helpful resources relevant to this issue?

CBT has been a mixed bag in my personal experience.

This isn’t a “thought post” or seeking to ignite any discussion; I just wanted to share that I’m grateful this space exists. I’m a 29 year old young professional in tech consulting that suffers from anxiety, depression, avoidant personality disorder, CPTSD, and functional neurological disorder. I’m also autistic (diagnosed at age 10) and a classic “gifted burnout” kid that was unemployed after college for two years because of my mental health struggles. It’s exhausting having to shoulder this level of burden while being considered “weak” and “crazy” by family, work colleagues, and the broader world in general.

There are a lot of genuine issues impacting men and it’s unfortunate the discourse has become so hostile to a basic recognition of the issues impacting men, and by extension, society. I’ve dealt with a lot of bullying, ostracism, and emotional exhaustion for not only struggling to manage a very human and natural set of challenges, but also just existing as a young man who’s “a little different” in today’s world, which can feel like a social death sentence most of

the time.

Edit (additional thought): The truth is, apart from being a nerd, I’m a pretty regular guy on the inside all things considered. I want friends, a family, a home, rewarding hobbies, a sense of purpose; all perfectly normal desires and drives. The frustration is feeling like it’s impossible to obtain and being mocked and shamed for it due to a few factors I didn’t bring onto myself (not trying to absolve myself of responsibility, but the world can be a cruel and discriminating place).

I hope this can continue to be a valuable and important space and I hope it can continue to be an effective and healthy addition to the discourse around these issues in the future.