u/Quirky_Molasses45

I am a male who found out his wife of 11 years was having an emotional affair.

So I found out back in October my wife was having an emotional affair / I don’t know if nowadays considered almost physical. It was long distance so no literal contact but pictures ( she only sent one topless) while he sent more. But like the sexy talk kind of affair

Anyway I’m currently as the betrayed really craving contact and intimacy ( I mean it has been a while).

She isn’t ready for that and needs time as she is ashamed of what she did and doesn’t feel ready yet. So it’s kind of me balancing not rushing or even if I should be wanting that right now or not. And her telling me she cares and needs to get herself mentally right first after doing such a thing. She is very remorseful , she despises him now because it was kind of manipulative at times and got played ( for lack of better term).

Has anyone dealt with this desire for physical intimacy to feel again after something like this? Or am I also supposed to slow down. I want to feel chosen which I see her trying in a lot of ways it’s just not with intimacy.

For context also she has some serious depression we battle even before this. I mean like on medications well before this as in why am I even here on earth if you get my drift. Again way way before this so sometimes when I bring it up I feel like I’m pushing her to hate herself more but at same time I’m just trying to find answers that aren’t even necessarily there because she despises him now and the person he is ( they fought too but would almost manipulate her to talk to him again, it was weird) and yes i read that type stuff

All that to back to my real question about me the man who was betrayed wanting physical contact now more than ever. Am I wrong for wanting that and supposed to just slowly rebuild and forget my need for that connection?

Welp much like the rest of us I guess many of us never saw ourselves posting here.

For context I’m 41(M) my wife 39(F). We have been married for 11 years. It started off great we have an 11 year old daughter.

Over the past several years I’m taking 4 or 5 years we have been living I would say more like roommates. I work and for much of that time I worked a 3rd shift. She is a SAHM and trying to now find work.

Often times I would go sleep in daughters room as it blocked most sunlight and while on 3rd shift she would kind of take over office and living room areas.

Fast forward I found out in October of last year (2025) that my wife was having a EA. I think distance kept it from becoming anymore but anyway a 50 year old man on the other side of the U.S. who is also married with kids! I found out when I went into her phone trying to figure out a password for my daughter’s school work. Welp instead I see a man labeled “hotness” in Facebook messenger. She was labeled total babe or something.

At first she tried to play it off but later was forthcoming. (and then I kind of steal the phone and go off). The mistake I feel I made was not dissecting more conversations but there were just too many. I’ve thought of messaging him, I’ve thought of telling his wife because I feel like he shouldn’t get off free. Meanwhile my mind runs everyday at some point.

I talk to her about it and what started off as friends grew to more to include him sending naked pictures and her sending one topless picture. The guy she was talking to was actually upset she didn’t send full frontal. I also saw messages on masturbation and make up sex and booking flights that kind of stuff. Statements like “always horny for the right man” They then kind of cut it off atleast the sexy flirting part by the time I found out but it still happened. If I had to guess they talked for a year and for probably 2 months or so it was more heated.

Now we were struggling we both were but I would never do that to her.

She finally saw it for what it was I said he groomed you, he doesn’t care about you etc. ( I have a background with sex offenders ). She is extremely remorseful, she wishes she could take it back, and she says she cares about me way more than him even when it was going on. He is blocked and deleted etc. so it’s not even a question of if she will message him again. She can’t stand him, she feels used and said he messaged other women too for validation.

She is on several medications to try to stabilize mood and has been for 6 or so years. If I bring it up it’s impossible because she has already said she is sorry and nothing more happened ( which didn’t the guy lives literally the other coast of the U.S.). So she isnt lying when she says me bringing it up pushes her further away and more isolated. She will talk about it but it’s really hard for me not to come off angry or stunned which I was. As she constantly talks about hating men who behave like he did. Which is kind of confusing.

Ok now I understand why everyone types so much on these it just flows. Well a big part is she shared a lot about us with this guy. I mean sex life etc that I trusted her with.

She said stuff to him she has never said to me sexually and I don’t necessarily want that if it’s fake. Sent videos to him often ( not intimate more how are you, just checking in and I even saw me and my daughter in a video sent to him from the beach.

Now she is sorry and hates that I carry the hurt. We are going on a vacation to the same spot some of the videos were sent( this was after it was no longer sexual but just hey are you messages). That’s video with me and daughter in it.

So a few things how do I reclaim this vacation as my spot or our spot? Does it ever get better or stop going through your head like a Rolodex? I have good days and bad days. My good days often are when I get messages from her because I am on her mind. By the way during this he got messages constantly and mine were often left unread.

Am I overreacting because it wasn’t physical? I did a therapist for a bit but stopped. I just want to feel chosen. So yes I do push towards her as my love language is more touch. But she pulls away because she says she can’t give me that reassurance yet. So I’m in a cycle of wanting physical closeness while she is trying to wrap her mind around what she did and slowly get back to that place with me.

Has anyone been in this loop? Did you ever get out??? I’m sorry for the long post and I’m new to this Reddit.

Take care all.

Welp much like the rest of us I guess many of us never saw ourselves posting here.

For context I’m 41(M) my wife 39(F). We have been married for 11 years. It started off great we have an 11 year old daughter.

Over the past several years I’m taking 4 or 5 years we have been living I would say more like roommates. I work and for much of that time I worked a 3rd shift. She is a SAHM and trying to now find work.

Often times I would go sleep in daughters room as it blocked most sunlight and while on 3rd shift she would kind of take over office and living room areas.

Fast forward I found out in October of last year (2025) that my wife was having a EA. I think distance kept it from becoming anymore but anyway a 50 year old man on the other side of the U.S. who is also married with kids! I found out when I went into her phone trying to figure out a password for my daughter’s school work. Welp instead I see a man labeled “hotness” in Facebook messenger. She was labeled total babe or something.

At first she tried to play it off but later was forthcoming. (and then I kind of steal the phone and go off). The mistake I feel I made was not dissecting more conversations but there were just too many. I’ve thought of messaging him, I’ve thought of telling his wife because I feel like he shouldn’t get off free. Meanwhile my mind runs everyday at some point.

I talk to her about it and what started off as friends grew to more to include him sending naked pictures and her sending one topless picture. The guy she was talking to was actually upset she didn’t send full frontal. I also saw messages on masturbation and make up sex and booking flights that kind of stuff. Statements like “always horny for the right man” They then kind of cut it off atleast the sexy flirting part by the time I found out but it still happened. If I had to guess they talked for a year and for probably 2 months or so it was more heated.

Now we were struggling we both were but I would never do that to her.

She finally saw it for what it was I said he groomed you, he doesn’t care about you etc. ( I have a background with sex offenders ). She is extremely remorseful, she wishes she could take it back, and she says she cares about me way more than him even when it was going on. He is blocked and deleted etc. so it’s not even a question of if she will message him again. She can’t stand him, she feels used and said he messaged other women too for validation.

She is on several medications to try to stabilize mood and has been for 6 or so years. If I bring it up it’s impossible because she has already said she is sorry and nothing more happened ( which didn’t the guy lives literally the other coast of the U.S.). So she isnt lying when she says me bringing it up pushes her further away and more isolated. She will talk about it but it’s really hard for me not to come off angry or stunned which I was. As she constantly talks about hating men who behave like he did. Which is kind of confusing.

Ok now I understand why everyone types so much on these it just flows. Well a big part is she shared a lot about us with this guy. I mean sex life etc that I trusted her with.

She said stuff to him she has never said to me sexually and I don’t necessarily want that if it’s fake. Sent videos to him often ( not intimate more how are you, just checking in and I even saw me and my daughter in a video sent to him from the beach.

Now she is sorry and hates that I carry the hurt. We are going on a vacation to the same spot some of the videos were sent( this was after it was no longer sexual but just hey are you messages). That’s video with me and daughter in it.

So a few things how do I reclaim this vacation as my spot or our spot? Does it ever get better or stop going through your head like a Rolodex? I have good days and bad days. My good days often are when I get messages from her because I am on her mind. By the way during this he got messages constantly and mine were often left unread.

Am I overreacting because it wasn’t physical? I did a therapist for a bit but stopped. I just want to feel chosen. So yes I do push towards her as my love language is more touch. But she pulls away because she says she can’t give me that reassurance yet. So I’m in a cycle of wanting physical closeness while she is trying to wrap her mind around what she did and slowly get back to that place with me.

Has anyone been in this loop? Did you ever get out??? I’m sorry for the long post and I’m new to this Reddit.

Take care all.

Welp much like the rest of us I guess many of us never saw ourselves posting here.

For context I’m 41(M) my wife 39(F). We have been married for 11 years. It started off great we have an 11 year old daughter.

Over the past several years I’m taking 4 or 5 years we have been living I would say more like roommates. I work and for much of that time I worked a 3rd shift. She is a SAHM and trying to now find work.

Often times I would go sleep in daughters room as it blocked most sunlight and while on 3rd shift she would kind of take over office and living room areas.

Fast forward I found out in October of last year (2025) that my wife was having a EA. I think distance kept it from becoming anymore but anyway a 50 year old man on the other side of the U.S. who is also married with kids! I found out when I went into her phone trying to figure out a password for my daughter’s school work. Welp instead I see a man labeled “hotness” in Facebook messenger. She was labeled total babe or some bullshit.

At first she says well he is gay anyway( not true obviously) and then I kind of steal the phone and go off. The mistake I feel I made was not dissecting more conversations but there were just too many. I’ve thought of going after him, I’ve thought of telling his wife because I feel like he shouldn’t get off free. Meanwhile my mind runs everyday at some point.

I talk to her about it and what started off as friends grew to more to include him sending naked pictures and her sending one topless picture. I also saw messages on masturbation and make up sex and booking flights that kind of stuff. They then kind of cut it off as they saw how wrong it was but it still happened. If I had to guess they talked for a year and for probably 2 months or so it was more heated.

Now we were struggling we both were but I would never do that to her. I mean gun to head I’m taking a bullet.

She finally saw it for what it was I said he groomed you, he doesn’t care about you etc. ( I have a background with sex offenders ). She is extremely remorseful, she wishes she could take it back, and she says she cares about me way more than him even when it was going on. He is blocked and deleted etc. so it’s not even a question of if she will message him again. She can’t stand him, she feels used and said he messaged other women too for validation. ( um anyone else see him how I do a real P.O.S)

She is on several medications to try to stabilize mood and has been for 6 or so years. If I bring it up it’s impossible because she has already said she is sorry and nothing more happened ( which didn’t the guy lives literally the other coast of the U.S.). So she isnt lying when she says me bringing it up pushes her closer to the edge for back of better term. She will talk about it but it’s really hard for me not to come off angry or stunned which I was. As she constantly talks about hating men who are pigs. I mean oink oink you found the main pig.

Ok now I understand why everyone types so much on these it just flows. Well a big part is you shared a lot about us with this guy. I mean sex life etc that I trusted her with.

She said stuff to him she has never said to me sexually. Sent videos to him often and I even saw me and my daughter in a video sent to him from the beach.

Now she is sorry and hates that I carry the hurt. We are going on a vacation to the same spot some of the videos were sent( this was after it was no longer sexual but just hey are you messages). That’s video with me and daughter in it.

So a few things how do I reclaim this vacation as my spot or our spot? Does it ever get better or stop going through your head like a Rolodex? I have good days and bad days. My good days often are when I get messages from her because I am on her mind. By the way during this he got messages constantly and mine were often left unread.

Am I overreacting because it wasn’t physical? I did a therapist for a bit but stopped. I just want to feel chosen. So yes I do push towards her as my love language is more touch. But she pulls away because she says she can’t give me that reassurance yet. So I’m in a cycle of wanting physical closeness while she is trying to wrap her mind around what she did and slowly get back to that place with me.

Has anyone been in this loop? Did you ever get out??? I’m sorry for the long post and I’m new to this Reddit.

Take care all.