u/Quomoth

if you're not in the mood for reading this pathetic little vent, id advise using your time somewhere better. i don't get into anything too extremely heavy, (one thing near the bottom that is pretty bad I guess) just a vent about the outcomes I see for myself. >!(all the outcomes involve me being alive, don't worry about that)!<

I feel like I'm at a fork in the road where none of the 3 options lead me to somewhere good.

going backwards (as usual) leads to the culdesac where instead of going anywhere, I just keep looping around thinking about the confusion & all this emotional bs. also trying to think of an outcome that isn't shitty. these are the only two other outcomes I can realistically see:

one path leads to me getting my shit together and coming to terms with the fact I'm trans, yet staying closeted because I keep telling myself that I'm sure one trans person in this family is difficult enough. (this feels like a good time to mention I have a male to female trans sister.) and literally nothing changing because I don't tell anyone.

the opposite path leads to me getting confidence and coming out to my friends & family, but inevitably getting cut off or at best treated differently by my friends. (I live in a red state or at least a city where there are a "decent" amount of trump supporters. people & especially teenagers aren't too fond of the lgbtq+ here.) yeah I might be happier as a woman, but losing most of my friends isn't anywhere near worth it.

All this on top of the fact that I'm not 100% sure if I am trans or not. it's a non 0 chance that I'm worried over nothing. I'll just beat myself up over it if I end up being worried over nothing. this confusion is torture and I will be pissed if I put myself through this for no reason.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this without automatically feeling humiliated. (not to say the rest of my family aren't supportive, they are very supportive) the only person I'd trust with this is my mom who helped my sister through her transition. unfortunately, >!she's been dead for a while!< so that's off the table. I just feel like I'm alone with all this confusion and emotional stuff and it feels horrible.

little bit of a cry for help here. hopefully I'm wrong but as I'm typing this my brain is telling me “nobody's gonna see this & nobody can help you.” i appreciate you if you stuck around and read my pathetic little vent. I don't have a good ending for these paragraphs so bye.

TLDR: nothing I do will lead to anything more positive than negative.