u/RBB12_Fisher

The Ku Klux Khaos are a renegade warband vibing racistly in the Segmentum Pacificus. Unlike most Traitor Legions, they reject normal chaos, instead worshiping the minor Chaos God Yakub, who created the first “Whyte” humans in a laboratory on Holy Terra's Holier Hyperborea in the 1st Millenium. Much of ancient history is now lost or muddled in Imperial Records; some allege that the ancient Romans were white people, but the Ku Klux Khaos hold the minor, though well respected, view in Imperial Historiography that the Romans were a Finnish splinter-group after the defeat of Finland in the Finno-Korean hyperwar.

Ku Klux power armour is painted titanium white and draped with actual bedsheets soaked in sacred oils. The sheets are believed to grant protection against “that swarthy n***** Emperor’s lies” and are washed 14 times a day, only replaced when they disintegrate.

Their signature weapon is the “Crucifix Incendem Werfer” a modified missile system that fires flaming crosses.

Recruits must complete the Rite of the Hooded Vigil, in which they stand motionless under a burning cross for eight days while reciting the 22 Letters of Yakub, which instruct them on tricknology, a secret psyker art which in the 41st millenium, really works. This has allowed the Ku Klux to maintain far more of a command structure than most renegade or chaos warbands, being technically Codex-compliant apart from the whole "we don't like the emperor very much" shtick.

They consider the Emperor a failed experiment of Yakubus II, and refer to Loyalist marines as “basketballers”.

They were created from the Night Lords legion, and this influences their tactics: fear tactics, ambush in the night, where they crawl out, bearing fiery crosses and appearing as fiery ghosts in the night to scare women and minorities.

They fought loyally in the Imperium through to the 34th Millenium, because they rather liked killing xenos and mutants, but went rogue after a centuries long feud with the Inquisition because the Inquisition were not let them class a planet of Chinese-looking people as "Xenos Exterminaturus", nor genocide them.

Calling them 'Chaos' is somewhat of a stretch, as they reject the traditional Chaos gods nearly as vehemently and contemptuously as do loyalist marines, but they do indeed hate the Imperium. Their raiding operations seem to be geared toward stealing supplies for a colony of only "Yakub's Purest Sons" which they call "The 17th Israeli Reich".

By Dr. Ezeekum Inbum, University of Sydney

INTRODUCTION
The clap is a re-emerging disease, first reported in 14th century France, and largely forgotten about hitherto, until cases of the clap began multiplying in the 2020s. Luckily, the clap is not a serious disease, and even if a patient cannot be cured, it is not so bad. The Grand Clap is not to be confused for a disease in itself, as it is a symptom of the clap.

SYMPTOMS
The clap, in a full fledged and well progressed infection, causes the patient to have an urge to clap often, finding it enjoyable. There is little danger in the clap, beyond stress injuries caused by the behaviour, or the danger of a 'Grand Clap' where the sufferer involuntarily claps a single clap with as much vim and vigour as can possibly be put into the Grand Clap, which can cause injury, especially to victims of repeated Grand Clap incidents. Generally, they are not suffered more than twice a month even in severe cases.

Patients with the clap should avoid seeing the full moon, as it intensifies symptoms.

Less severe cases will not be obvious, but should be diagnosed early, to guide treatment decisions or prevent the clap from progressing.

DIAGNOSIS

Method One
This is the preferred and typical test, as it can be performed with minimal equipment and only takes a few minutes to produce a fairly reliable result.

Procedure
"Old diagnostic technique to determine if you have the Clap:

1. Put a quarter between your teeth.
2. Pee.
3. If the quarter is still in one piece when you are done, you DO NOT have the Clap."

Method Two
If method one is inconclusive, or unavailable for some reason, another method is available, wherein the patient stares at a wall for 2 to 3 hours. It requires absolute focus however, so it is rarely used when easier options are available.

Procedure

1. Place an ice-bag on the patient's head, and a hot water bottle between the patient's legs, near the scrotum.
   2, Instruct the patient to stand straight up and hold the pose while staring at a blank wall.
2. After 2 to 3 hours, the patient should show signs of perspiration. At this point, check if the patient's sweat is asymmetric. Asymmetric sweat is proof of the clap.

TREATMENT
Treatment of the clap differs heavily by biological sex. Before treatment, one must be sure to identify the patient's gender. For an approved procedure on determining gender, see OXFORD HANDBOOK OF CLINICAL MEDICINE International Edition, chapter 7, page 200. (ISBN 0198844026)

In general, males with the clap are hard to cure, but the clap can easily be prevented from progressing. Females with the clap are much easier to cure, however, if not cured, the progression of the clap is nearly unstoppable. Gay men, if unable to be helped by the male cure via the Method of Infusion, can sometimes be successfully treated by the typically female Method of Swimming. If there is a particularly desperate case for a heterosexual man with the clap, it can be attempted; there are documented in literature a few isolated, and very rare cases, of a heterosexual male patient succeeding in the cure by the method of swimming while instructed to "think gay thoughts".

Curing Males of the Clap

Method of Infusion
Males with the clap usually have it because of an imbalance in the nervous system. Therefore, make the patient drink a cup of tea. If symptoms persist after 4 hours, try another cup of tea with a small amount of morphine. Repeat for up to 3 days, or until cured.

Other things that can be included in the tea to cure the clap via a balancing of the nervous system, include: grapes, tylenol, spaghetti, advil, cooking oil, up to 0.3 mg of naphtha, cigarettes, fishtank water, and tungsten powder. In general, a mix of 2 to 3 of these ingredients is usually more successful, but be careful never to mix tungsten powder with spaghetti.

If the treatment has been ineffective, do not attempt it again. Roughly 40% of patients can be cured this way.

Preventing the progress of the clap in males
Progress can be prevented by a simple ritual. Once a month, the patient should hold a magnetised egg between two hands outstretched. Holding it up for about 30 seconds is enough for most patients to prevent symptoms of the clap. Patients with severe cases may need to try this while drinking alcohol.

If the egg is crushed between the hands by a clapping motion, use it to make an omelette. After a snack, the patient is very likely to succeed on a second attempt.

Curing Females of the Clap

Method of Distraction
Persuade the patient that her hands are much less fun to clap than her breasts.

Method of Swimming
For patients that are by their phenotype, not endowed with the anatomy to facilitate the Method of Distraction, the Method of Swimming is a longer, but usually successful cure in females.

Procedure of the Method of Swimming
Take the patient to a pool or sea or lake or re-purposed industrial steam-bath or other ex-process machinery which has been filled with safe water at a comfortable temperature. The patient should then enter the designated body of water for the purpose of swimming. Then, teach the patient how to swim backwards. Once the patient can swim backwards, the disease of the clap should disappear within the next 24 to 72 hours.

Preventing the progress of the clap in females
Only one method exists and it works unreliably.

Simply draw on the patient's face with a whiteboard marker every 28 days. Traditionally, the figure drawn is a map of the Falkland Islands, where this technique was discovered. It works in about 10 to 15 percent of cases, and must be done routinely. If a session is missed, the disease of the clap is likely to progress rapidly and irreversibly.

TRANSMISSION
The method of transmission of the clap is not well understood. The renaissance era Paracelsus suggested it to be caused by excessive yelling at birds or consumption of oil via the nose, but these theories have been discredited.

Tally up how many questions you answer "yes" to, as these are risk factors.

1. Does anybody in your family eat soup?
2. Have you ever tried soup with tobacco?
3. Is it true that you eat non-alcoholic soup?
4. Soup.
5. Would you support a federal ban on the export of soup products to South Korea and Ireland?
6. Do you agree with Donald Trump's law which criminalises the possession of soup at even-numbered latitudes?
7. Are you a soup criminal?
8. Does soup disease run in your family?
9. 11?
10. Is soup or soup related ritual, important to your religion?
11. At your local church, mosque or petstore, does doctrine hold that pineapple is acceptable in soup?

Florida Department of Law Enforcement trains its motor-officers (motorbike cops) to signal "in a confusing and wrong manner" because "a driver who thinks you're an idiot, is a driver who pays attention." See page 38 of the police rider manual.

In unpublished work from 1539, Paracelsus wrote about how it was revealed to him in a dream, and then confirmed by observations of the flight pattern of birds. He saw the angel Gabriel, who explained to him about the personal automobiles of the future, and then the specifications of the "Kondler Civil", with a 1668 cc aluminium-alloy 4 stroke engine, five speed manual transmission, and an integrated rear window antenna.

Little "Bennis", age 5, was kidnapped from his parent's trailer in one of the Dusseldorf trailer park raids by a Bolivian gang, who were there disguised as heavy metal musicians and toilet paper salesmen. Bennis's parents, Heinreich Jerminnaem and his wife Uxora, get the letter demanding a ransom but Heinreich dropped it while using a urinal and the letter fell in the pee and the kidnappers' special ink dissolved, hiding the contact details and stopping them from paying Bennis's ransom. (Which was set at $4,180.61 by the kidnapper's AI child appraisal system)

Consequently, Bennis was sold to the Chinese scientist "Chǔn Kēxué Nán" who vaccinated Bennis 202 times at once, causing the child to be so full of vaccines that it leaked out of his ears. Chun continued vaccinating him against everything, but Bennis exploded from the vaccine pressure. In the explosion, Chun and 2 assistants were 2nd-hand vaccinated from flying debris.

Other good tea substitutes include shredded paper, and toothpaste.

(insert obvious explanation here)

Mr Starmer forgot his diary when leaving Number 10. Readings from it include:

"I'd say Modi smells Chinese or Greek ... he seems to make some attempt at showering, but doesn't quite get the concept"

"Farage: Belarussian"

"Zelensky must be a busy fellow, but come on mate, his stench is Somalian!"

"I don't know why, but the North Koreans just smell better."

"... she smells nearly Swedish, like Mark Carney ..."

"Albanese: stupid man, stupid nose, Irish smell"

"... everybody in Japan keeps very clean, I hadn't realised, I should have to change their ranking to at least on par with Iceland..."

"Trump showed up to the meeting aggressively perfumed, like a mixture of Portugal and Big Macs"

He is noted to have only used the description of "Swiss" for his wife, and "Indian" for his ex-wife, otherwise preferring presumably intermediate descriptors.