u/RINIR1N

I am so sorry in advance for the long, disorganized vent post. I don't normally post at all but this has been eating me up so much that I just needed some kind of outlet for it.

Last week, I was involved in a violent incident that has left me feeling non-stop regret about my transition. Long story short, I accidentally walked into a situation where a man was beating on his girlfriend (they were total strangers to me and i only got a few details about their situation overhearing conversations with police after). Honestly, it was really bad, like she was on the ground and he was literally stomping on her.

I wasn't thinking and I just started yelling and grabbed him and tried to pull him off of her. we were fighting for a few seconds as I was pulling him back and he was hitting me, and then he just literally threw me, like 3 full feet, and i landed on my back and hit my head pretty hard. After that he just ran off and we called the police.

Now that things have quieted down (I mean I think, the police literally won't tell me anything), I've basically been spending multiple days in bed because I bruised my tailbone so bad I can barely walk, so I'm just in my head all the time, and the 1 thought that just keeps coming up over and over again is: if I was just 2 or 3 years further into HRT, I might be dead right now.

I don't think I'm overreacting when i try to think critically about it. The guy was 200+ pounds, he was so angry and violent. I felt it when I put my hands on him, I was barely able to pull him away and obviously could barely keep myself safe

I wasn't huge before but I still transitioned well into my adult life, I still have an above average weight for a woman, I still have some of a college athlete's upper body muscles.

I just can't help thinking, if I had spent another few years on hormones, if I had continued my focus on these vanity workouts to shape my waist and glutes (literally been actively trying to shrink my upper back and shoulders which feels so ironic right now), he could have hurt me so so so much worse.

Rationally I know it's probably a once-in-a-lifetime type moment. But we can all see how bad things are getting for trans people around the world, things seem to be getting so much scarier and more violent in so many places.

I'm sorry to be actively transphobic but I'm just really emotional right now, and it genuinely feels like nature was like, here's a body designed to keep you safe, and I was like, no thank you I would rather feel pretty.

I'm really sorry for making this post, I don't even know if I'm asking for advice, I just had to get it out somewhere. Thank you for reading this far if you did.

For almost my entire life, I've had a plan to come out and transition when I was 40 (I know that's weird). I think it was a way to defer the pressure of transitioning amongst family and friends who might not be so accepting, while also mitigating my autism and a need to plan and over-plan and have every detail under control before committing to anything.

Due to my generally private nature I've found it really easy to mask this part of me all these decades, and I'm positive that no one in my life even suspects. But I recently experienced a very traumatic event that is threatening to derail my plan, and I've realized the obvious truth that because of this I have absolutely no one to talk to.

No one knows about this side of me, and furthermore, I've inadvertently created a life where many people in my community have come to rely on and expect my traditionally "masculine" qualities. Even if they were supportive of me coming out, I just know some part of them is going to be disappointed to lose the idea of the "man" they had in their head.

Last year, a dear friend of mine came out of the closet. They are now the only openly queer friend I have, and the thought has been creeping up on me that I should confide in her, and finally have someone to talk to about this.

But on the other hand, I can so easily see how that is cruel to place that expectation on her, that just because she's queer, I'm entitled to trauma dump on her and expect her to support me in turn.

Additionally, because they are a little younger than me, they've come to see me in some ways as a sort of older brother figure. I really fear that doing this to them might shatter the idea of a support system that they thought they could rely on, by revealing just how messy my own life is.

I have to admit that the temptation of finally having someone to talk to about these things is dizzyingly difficult to shed, but at the same time I think I realize that on so many levels it's a purely selfish act, and only benefits me.

I'm horribly conflicted and not making a decision on this is eating me up. Would anyone be willing to lend me their thoughts?