Got jokingly told "You don't know what a bad day is like" !!Trigger warning!!
Tw on sh and other dark topics. I'm dumping everything so don't stay if it'll have a negative impact on you.
I have this friend, and I reposted a video that was a bit angsty but in a joking way, then my friend replies to the repost asking what it meant, then I replied by brushing it off, but then he replied again saying that I don't know what I bad day is, but he did specify that he was joking and made it CLEAR that he didn't mean it. Normally I wouldn't have been bothered by that, but it made me realize how fucking invisible I am and how shallow people's opinions are on me. I have this whole goofy persona I put on because god forbid I have actual human emotions instead of being this guy whos just always happy and cheerful with absolutely no depth. I don't want to be so hyper and silly either, it just happens when im stressed or around people. I want to be seen as a real person, not whatever the hell people seem to think about me now. How do I stop putting up this persona? It's so goddamn tiring doing all this just to get overlooked and called annoying. I'm actually more chill and "aloof" I guess, under all the layers, but I feel like nobody will want to be around me if im not fun. It stung when my ex boyfriend essentially told me I was too much, then when I started bottling up he seemed to like me way more, but I guess that doesn't matter anyways since he left me a week after. It was so fucked up that the one person I trusted with everything made me feel loved only when I filtered myself around the only person I shouldn't have to keep anything in, but he was probably right in a way. I'd constantly talk about what was going on in my life, good and bad, so no wonder it was draining on him. I dont even want him back, but the shit he said about how it was "unfair to him" about MY panic attack, the ghosting, etc was a lot on me and after I let someone see everything about me, it just reassured me to never open up like that again. I let him see my scars and everything. He'd gently kiss my thighs if there was anything new and if they were healed, he'd draw or write on them. I never forced him to, and he'd always ask before doing anything. I'm over HIM, but I'm not over how stupid I was for thinking I could trust someone that much. Being told I don't know what having a bad day is like when nobody even knows shit about me stings. I've had to come home from shit days to feeling worthless in my own damn home, (its better now but there was a time) I've had to choke back my own tears and smile when my friends text or talk to me because I know they don't give a shit, talk my friends out of ending their own lives, and I never let my own emotions out. I've stared at my wall from my bed so many times thinking I wouldn't get up ever again, yet of course, why the hell would I have a bad day? All happy and jolly as if its not to distract myself about how nobody would fucking like me if they really knew me. I have friends, a great mom, good grades, cool hobbies, so why the hell am I still sad? I hate being so sensitive. I've been clean for about 3 weeks but I'm not sure how long this will stay true. In reality I just need a nap and a redbull, but damn. I need to stop pretending to be someone im not. I hate this. And no, this isn't actually about the comment from my friend, it was just the last stray I guess.
Thanks to anyone who stayed, sorry for dumping all this on you guys I just felt like I had to get it out somewhere. I feel bad dumping all of this out Im sorry.