4 years old, childhood journal. A recurring theme of sad expressions, crossed out smiling faces, crying self portraits and scenes I don't understand. There are more sad faces I haven't attached.
To clarify this is my art from when I was a child, I don't remember the childhood but have spent countless hours looking at the art, wondering what someone else could make of it? Please do redirect me if this is the wrong sub!
Does anyone feel guilty for preferring to be alone? It's been eating away at me. I always wriggle out of plans, lie / make up excuses when I'm not in the mood. Which would be fine if I didn't do it so often to friends and family. I don't see people enough and I worry it upsets them or they miss me or resent me. I think I'm viewed as flaky. Every week I have a new lie.
I wish there was a different way of spending time with others that wasn't so? Heavy? I think it's because I have so many people to try hold together and cheer up since my parents split up and my family scattered. I'm the only bit of family that visits some of them so I feel a lot of pressure and a lot of guilt to make sure they're not lonely.
I just don't have enough energy when it comes to social stuff. I feel like I'm acting for most people. Only really myself around my girlfriend and my mother. No clue how to stop masking. No clue how to suddenly get the energy. I usually pretend to enjoy it but I really just like the feeling of pressure being lifted at the end like a task ticked off for the week, it's like folding laundry.
Don't get me started on meeting new people. Had someone want to get to know me and began hiding from them, even though they were a nice person I felt so much pressure to "be good". I lie to everyone and tell them I don't use my phone much / don't use social media when I do just so I'm less likely to be contacted. I can't tell the truth because I'd be saying "I just want to be alone and chill right now" 24/7.
I like to wish I could move away to a sunny beach and live my own private life without feeling like I'm failing everyone or abandoning them when they need me.
Does anyone else get this?