The picture of my cat obviously has nothing to do here.

Idk why, but I've been getting these fantasies urging me to try to be a woman or a more feminine man. Pretty much an identity exploration.

CAN I do it? Idk.

Do I actually WANT to?

Somehow, hell yeah.

Stuff that I need to do, should I try to fulfill them:

Significantly reduce body fat and work towards a leaner, more soft body

At least partially lighten the skin

Purge ALL body hair

Have a more feminine fashion

And everything else I forgot to add. Should I attempt this, I'll probably try to do HRT too; However, it's highkey impossible in Malaysia. Bitchass anti-LGBTQ laws.

Please help me figure it out 🙏😭

Happy Pride Month from the deepest pit of my heart.

This Pride is a bit uneventful, at least in Malaysia where I am. But uneventful ≠ bad, obviously.

Watched the final episodes of GFIN and moved on to Cherry Magic after a long break.

Got a new kitten, named Mochi.

Discovered a few pieces of queer music, specifically Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens.

And most importantly... My parents never found out that I'm bi. I did come out to them, but they dismissed it and still thought of me as a straight guy.

So, yeah.

​

Because Pride is almost over, let me tell you this.

Holy hell, am I about to tell an old tale.

So, what exactly happened between me and my former crush, who we'll call Zu?

NOTHING.

Well, not nothing. Last year, we did talk a lot and even played badminton against each other in PE. Hell, I even wrote poems meant for him... That I never sent.

But then, it hit me. My parents' words about my bisexuality when I decided to try to come out.

"You're not really falling in love with him, you're just trying to be better friends!"

I ignored it, but the effects are clear. I'm starting to fall out of love with Zu.

And I didn't confess to him, I didn't talk to him about the fact that I'm literally in love with him, nothing.

It wasn't until April THIS YEAR that I decided to finally confess. Not wanting him to be my partner, but just to clear it off my chest.

And somehow, he still wanted to be friends with me.

And that is exactly why I fell in love in the first place. Zu and I were more than friends, less than lovers.

He could literally see who I truly am. The weirdness, the addictions, the fact that I'm literally not even in his religion; and he would still call me his friend.

And with stuff like this, it's IMPOSSIBLE to move on because I'm still his friend. I had a crush on many girls before, and I could still move on because I never really cared enough to be their friend.

Thanks for reading this long ass rant post. Happy Pride, and may you and me receive the sunshine that we need.

My family's going to Korea next January and I know I can't come empty-handed. I began learning the basics of Hangeul, but I'm still struggling to pronounce the words properly. Please help me, give me suggestions or anything✌😭

Holy hell, is this an old tale about to be retold.

​

Long story short: I did nothing, confessed when the love is already over, and couldn't move on.

​

I wanted to share a story about me and my best friend. We'll call him Zu.

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Me and Zu are best friends ever since I met him at Form 1. He was a history nerd, much like I am. His idol is Napoleon.

​

What I like about him is that he genuinely doesn't care about what I am or what I do. Not in the bad way where he refuses to acknowledge me, no. He could look at my true side and still say "Yup, still my friend".

​

It is for this exact reason that I fell in love with him. He's my first male crush, to be exact. I wrote poems about him (of which I never sent), we played badminton together, we talked about weird history facts together, I even studied so hard for the UASA (Ujian Akhir Sesi Akademik, Final Exam for the Academic Session) JUST to impress him.

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But I played the long game for far too fucking long. I didn't confess until my love for him had already faded. I was practically Jose Mourinho, parking the bus and only scoring when the game was over.

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Somehow, he still wanted to be my friend. And that's why it's so hard to move on. I'm still close to him. With my former female crushes, I could simply move on because I never became their friend in the first place.

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I even texted him about my feelings for him, of which he only read the "Can we still be friends?" text. I'm not blaming him, though. Proof is provided, of course.

​

Zu, sorry for ever being in love with you. Sorry for being too much of a coward.

Sorry for excluding episodes 12 and 13, got too focused on the storyline.

I feel like that episode is heartbreaking AND oddly relatable. The heartbreak in knowing that the love of your life already had their significant other; that shit is enough to ruin you.

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The line "It's not like I expected that we could be together happily ever after" is genuinely enough to make someone cry for hours, especially myself who wasn't brave enough to confess in time. Somehow, I'm the kind of guy who gets sad without crying. At all.

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I pray for Nakamura to get his happy ending in Episode 13, even though I no longer worship a God.

This will be the first Pride Month of which I already know of my sexuality from day 1. Last year, I only realized that I'm bi during the 5th or 6th day of June.

I know that this month will be thrilling in both good and bad ways, as I have already come out of the closet to many of my closest friends who I KNOW wouldn't tell anybody about this stuff.

Happy Pride Month for every single one of yall. I pray for this community to be safe and stable, even when I know that I no longer have a god to worship.

Btw, sorry for not posting for so long, I got too busy watching "Go For It, Nakamura!!" ✌😭