Honesty Betrayed Me
A few weeks back, I (32F) made the mistake of listening to my therapist when she told me I should let my SO (30F) know about relapsing on SH. At most I’ve made it roughly 2 or 3 months clean at most since this started. In this case, it hadn’t been after much of a stretch of “good behavior”, maybe 2 weeks at most.
When I told her about it, she got loud and angry with me. No appreciation for the honesty, just disappointment in me for relapsing and venting her frustration about not being able to trust me to be alone. She started talking about sending me to some facility. I shut down and just said things that sounded compliant… but it didn’t feel rooted in support… I felt like a bad dog.
Obviously, I stopped telling her about new incidents. I’ve actually started going deeper than ever and even become less open with my therapist about it. I’ve started logging the catalyst for each new mark, turning one thigh into a tally board of disagreements and re-tracing older ones like the “NE” on my other thigh for “Not Enough”
When we have any conflict now, it’s hard enough not to grab the nearest thing and turn it into a weapon against myself there in the moment. I can’t risk letting her find out about my slipping further but I also don’t have anyone else I trust enough to tell… I’m not sure what to do. Keeping these to myself feels like a recipe for uncontested relapse…