u/Reasonable-Brush-29

For reference I’m diagnosed bipolar 1 and I have a history of two prior episodes where my mania led to extreme “delusions” for lack of a better word. But I dont know how to classify what “delusions” are or how to know what psychosis even means for me. everything seems to border on the line of anxiety but genuinely everything feels out of place. It’s so hard to keep a grasp on what’s here and now and I can’t seem to keep a grasp on time very well. I’m extremely afraid to leave the house (which sucks because I start summer school soon) because I realized everyone could hurt me even on accident. but all this just seems like normal anxiety but I can hear this clicking constantly, it’s like a video game sound effect when you click onto something. but I can tell it’s in my head I know it is, but it’s still there. And I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of the dark. I’m 16 I shouldn’t be afraid of the dark, and I wasn’t prior to a couple months ago. But I know it’s not true but it feels so true. I see things sometimes but it’s never fully there, it’s like everything I’m seeing is just a different form of the things around me. Sometimes it’s scary sometimes it’s not I just try not to think about it too much. I just feel like something really bad is happening and I’m just nervous to mischaracterize this and get sent away again. Sorry if I didn’t word this good or if I was wrong in whatever I said

For background my mom is weirdly obsessed with healthy food (she only eats salads and adds veggies to everything) she also works a lot and I do online school so it’s up to me to make my food. I don’t mind healthy food, nor making my own food. but I hate when she messes with food I already like. My favorite food since I was a toddler has been spaghetti, today I didn’t feel good so I didn’t eat until dinner, my mom told me she would cook today and make me spaghetti. I was really excited because as much as I like cooking or wtv I do enjoy my mom making me food sometimes.

SHE PUTS SQUASH IN THE SPAGHETTI ! I know it’s not a big deal but I hate squash, I hate when people mix foods that aren’t supposed to mix. I’ve genuinely been crying about this for an hour, I’m so mad because I really like spaghetti and I was really excited and now I can’t eat it. She knows I hate this too, I’ve always had issues with wanting to know exactly what I’m eating and what’s in it, so I was excited under the presumption I was gonna eat spaghetti but then it has squash in it. It’s so stupid I’m this upset but I’m so sad I really wanted spaghetti. im so upset. I know im acting like a child and i sound spoiled.I really dont mean to come off that way, i do appreciate my mom going out of her way to cook for me. I know she didn’t do this on purpose, and im grateful we’re even in a position to be able to afford healthy meals.

I got diagnosed with ARFID last year while at an ed clinic. Though I’m not sure if this is accurate, I’ve never been a super picky eater I just have fears of some foods and loose interest in foods sometimes. But idk if I really have ARFID bc all my fear foods is unhealthy food and I honestly don’t have a bunch of fear foods. It doesn’t hinder my eating a lot which makes me feel weird idk. For instance my fear foods are gummies (any kind), cake / frosting, sugar cookies, most candies, beans, tofu, and cookie dough. I have some others but I’ve “worked thru them” all these foods can be (for the most part) avoided without causing any real issues to me. But I genuinely don’t know. Another thing is all the foods I fear are because of past experiences and a fear of sickness not a texture thing? Idk if that makes a difference