Facing withdrawal alone- too ashamed to tell-need support and, mostly, reassurance
(Specific questions are numbered below if you dont feel like reading.)I just need people to talk to about this, because Im so deeply ashamed for getting in this situation (again) and Im afraid my husband will leave me. I have a history of abusing my prescriptions—mostly stimulants and one time in particular I almost lost my husband over Ambien a few years ago. Nothing “hard” or illegal—i have a healthy fear of that. But, Im just always searching for something that will make me feel normal and functional, it’s as simple as that, but Ive done it so stupidly and fucked with my brain, I domt even know what my baseline is anymore. 7-oh was a godsend, I thought. Until it wasnt, of course.
My husband has no idea I take it, but he suspects something is going on, which he’s right to. Recently we had a huge argument about my inconsistent mental state and how he suspected I was doing it to myself again and he felt he was married to an addict and didnt know how much longer he could stay with me in this state.
Folks, I cant tell you how distressed I was to fix myself IMMEDIATELY. The terror that he’d see me in a depressed state or that id wake up one morning unable to function again and that it would be the straw that broke the camels back was instant motivation to quit cold turkey, for real, no looking back. But, it turned out to not be that simple.
See, he doesnt know Im on the shit. So I cant go through withdrawals openly. I quit twice in the past because it was expensive and at that time I could. The first time was pretty easy with my stimulants and sleeping meds for support. The second time was harder because of relentless RLS at night. Now Im here.
I want to know your experiences and maybe whats “normal”or be given some reassurance that Im headed in the right direction as I have been tapering the last three weeks.
I was taking 12-15mg dose around 5 times a day. After three weeks Im down to 8-10mg 2-3 times a day.
Is it possible im past the worst “physical” stuff? When ive quit in the past cold turkey, once I got past the 24 hour mark everything was gravy. Im down to 8-10mg 2-3 times a day, which doesn’t sound like that much progress, but actually what feels important to me is Im able to go as long as 16-17 hours without any physical symptoms (no more sweating, shaking, or RLS—knock on wood) when it used to start after 4 hours…then 12 hours… Does that mean Im past the worst of the physical stuff?
is it ok to taper with full spectrum kratom extract and if so how much? the anxiety is INSANE this go-round and that has been the only thing slowing me down. Im avoiding my adhd meds, now, obviously, bc of that, but the anxiety and panic are so bad I cant think of anything else. The problem is, I still have to function as an adult (im a lawyer with high pressure deadlines), care for three little boys, and dont forget i have to act happy and sane so my husband is assured of my stability. So, the taper has stalled for several days, and that mightve been fine, but NOW i cant buy it anywhere to stretch out the taper, bc of the ban. So, I got so desparately insanely panicked (like blind from panic) I went and bought full spectrum kratom extract tablets with “very little” 7-oh in it (thats what the salesman told me, “very little”—who knows what that means.) Will it help? If a 10mg dose of 7-oh helps my symptoms, how many mg should i be taking of the full spectrum stuff if i end up needing to use it as a substitute?
Am I making progress? When Im in a good state of mind (usually after my tapered dose) I feel that I have bc yesterday i went from 7pm all the way til 11:30am the next morning with no problemsz However , the anxiety got so bad I had to take a dose. The positive thing is that I was able to find relief with a smaller dose—unfortunately, it didnt last very long. I dont know if thats any better, if I have to end up taking the smaller dose more frequently. So when my anxiety is at its peak, i despair thinking i havent ACTUALLY made any progress and that it will never end.
Thanks for reading. I hope someone is out there who will help me feel not alone in this and keep me moving forward confidently .