My life right now feels like a dead end. I wasn’t meant to go this far.
My life right now feels like a dead end. There’s nothing for me to do anymore, and there never was, I wasn’t meant to go this far.
That’s what is in my head, not all the time but whenever I allow myself to think, I basically turn off my head all day, I barely think about anything.. like I am just an empty shell.
I am stuck, I am scared to do anything, I can’t do anything. All I do is sit home all day, rotting. So right now it’s almost 4 am (because my sleep schedule is ducked up as well) and I am writing this, before I was just laying here thinking about writing it, but no one will know I wrote this so I actually did write it here.
I think about what if everything went differently I’m scared all the time and I wish I wasn’t. It would be so easy if I wasn’t scared…
My life is weird, I was growing up normal, or somewhat normal, until school started, I was excited.. but I soon wasn’t anymore, I had a stomach ache *everyday* before school, I didn’t want to be there, I don’t know what’s wrong with me I wasn’t even bullied, or maybe I was but my head let me erase that memory.. but it only got worse form then, I went to middle school people weren’t nice there, they were assholes like actually, but I wasn’t bullied. I was just uncomfortable around them, so I started not going to school anymore.. it got worse and worse and I was more scared to go every time my parents didn’t let me stay home. They also found out I was really quiet, my teacher assumed they know but at home I was a normal teenager talking laughing and all that, but there I was alone, quiet and ‚sad‘ they immediately went to an therapist with me. I didn’t understand back then. The therapist said I have ‚mutism‘ and sent me into a mental hospital as soon as possible..(I am sorry if this is messy or too much information to read I don’t even know if anyone is going to read this anyway) so I was at the mental hospital, and it was the worst time of my life, they’d force me to do stuff or else they took my phone time that was only an hour per day, this may seem dramatic but it was the worst, you have to imagine I didn’t have any friends irl, just on my phone. I was almost dependent on it, but I wasn’t able to do the task they had given me, at some point they said if I don’t do what they say they wanted to take the right away to see my parents on weekends, happily my mom stopped it at that point.. but this was horrible, I was only 11. so since then, my life was broken, I didn’t go to school and I didn’t do anything else either… all I was doing was stay at home, play games and really badly fail to make friends online, still somehow depended on the online world (discord) I’ve mostly been active in „make friends“ discord servers, but not in the way where i type in general chat but i just posted an introduction in „intro“ channels and then people messaged me, and I’d also message other people, these friendships never lasted long, even though sometimes they turned into a relationship, that would end me up horribly hurt and question what the hell is wrong with me… I was just too clingy and attached to them and also a bit obsessive I think? then i was 18 and I am afraid of any small thing, I’m afraid to go outside alone, I’m afraid to work somewhere, I’m afraid to try going to school again and obviously I am afraid of ever going to a mental hospital again, but I don’t know what I can do, I can’t get any courage and my mom is slowly getting tired of me just being at home and not doing anything outside of home, I don’t know what to do.
Well, I made this a few years back, I’m not 18 anymore so i slightly edited it, I’m 21 now and it’s still very very similar, the irl life part is pretty much still like this, though i am happy to say I’ve made some friends that actually are friends and aren’t just from random „make friends“ servers I made most of them from a certain minecraft community, I have so many I even have my own discord server with over 40 people I am really happy I discovered this community, I also have heavy social anxiety if I didn‘t mention this before, this community helped me greatly to improve it at least online, my friends are really supportive and two friends are even asking me to move in with them in the future (I’m obviously way too scared yet again)
Anyway, deep down I also know irl it can’t go on like this, at least I don’t feel like I want to die anymore at this point because of the friends I’ve made and the joy I live through everyday being able to spend time with them. I’ve written this roughly 3 years ago, but I never actually published it anywhere, so now I think I’m going to post it on Reddit, if I did, well you’ll know.
This got longer than expected, but.. it’s my thoughts. I don’t care if anyone reads it or no one does, I’m happy that I was able to put my thoughts into whole words and sentences even if it is a bit messy, and so long.
So, maybe could I get some advise?