I feel like everything's falling apart (medical sexual abuse trigger warning)
I have medical trauma from having major surgery multiple times as a kid/teenager, as well as from being sexually assaulted by medical professionals (once when bathing me in intensive care and once when inserting a catheter). I also suspect I had a VCUG as a toddler because I have flashes of memories and when I was around 6 I would draw pictures of people being tied down and hurt by doctors, including being catheterised and I have no idea where else I would have got that from (years before my major surgery and other medical experiences). I remember having nightmares about doctors and medical procedures and about being "experimented on" from a very young age.
I'm 36 now. I've been struggling a lot with my health recently. I had a smear test back in March which badly retraumatised me, even though it was an NHS service that was supposed to be for survivors of sexual abuse. It was very painful, even though I never had pain before, and the nurse didn't seem to remember anything I'd written in my note regarding specific triggers. Afterwards I struggled to use the bathroom or wash or eat or sleep. I couldn't stand to look at the clothes I'd worn etc. I can't even complain. They got me to fill in a feedback form immediately afterwards to say how much I'd be likely to have a smear test again and what I liked about the service etc, so obviously with someone watching me do it and being relieved it was over, I said how great the service was. But it was horrendous and I really struggled and I'm still struggling.
And recently I've been seeing the doctor about weird symptoms I've had for a while, like fatigue, migraines, weird periods, allergies, back and abdominal pain. I'm anaemic and it doesn't seem to be responding to iron supplements and my doctor got me to do a urine test in case there was blood in my urine. That was on Wednesday and today, Friday, I got three missed calls from the doctor's surgery. When I finally got in touch, they said to make an appointment to see the doctor but couldn't say what it was about.
We'd agreed to do blood tests every three months, so I don't know why I'm suddenly having an appointment (in person, as opposed to the phone appointments we've had before to go over results) and I'm terrified there was blood in my urine. And if there was, I'm potentially facing testing that will be directly tied to my traumatic experiences. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared.
I'm sick of being told "don't panic, it might be nothing, you don't even know what it's about, they can't force you into anything" etc. I know that. I know there might be nothing bad but I don't care about being sick, I just care about not having to interact with doctors constantly. I've been offered EMDR but that involves doctors too. I don't know what to do. I'm really scared. It feels like my only options are either to be retraumatised or get sicker.