I Feel Trapped (vent)
I’m 17 going on 18f and i hate my life so much. my mother and I have been talking about my feelings more because as I get older i’m trying to be more open about my mental health with people i.e. family, therapist etc. and today she showed me a video of me dancing when I was around 4 or 5. This video was extremely hard for me to watch and I felt such strong embarrassment and anger when my mom kept talking about it. She then asks me, “why don’t you like yourself?” and it made me laugh because it’s a good question and it’s just so funny how accurate she was. I don’t like myself at all, i don’t find anything enjoyable about myself, not my looks or my personality. There’s not one thing about me that I can say I love because I truly don’t. I hate the way I think and the way I talk and how I act around people. Everything I do is humiliating and small interactions of all kinds keep me up at night. I think about my death quite often but I don’t want to kill myself or die in a painful way, I feel selfish for that but it’s true. I wouldn’t say I am a suicidal person because I genuinely don’t want to kill myself due to the embarrassment of failing and going through the whole process of regaining trust with people, and the guilt of making peoples lives miserable due to my selfishness of wanting to die. For the past 2 months, I’ve been praying that I won’t wake up in the morning and it would be like I was never even there. I want that so bad, more than anything in the entire world. My whole life is miserable because of my extreme depression and hatred towards myself and towards the world and the guilt i feel for everything I do or have done. My life is quite good and I have 2 loving parents and a loving sister. I have very few friends but I am not that big on friendships anyway because I get sick of them easily. I did go through slight bullying in middle school but other than that all the people who dislike me are irrelevant. I’ve never had anything traumatic happen to me, no major deaths in my family, no abuse or neglect and I have everything I could ever ask for (material possession-wise). I essentially have nothing to be depressed about but I just am, there’s nothing more to it. I’m a depressed individual who “has no reason to be depressed.” Anyways, I feel trapped because i never asked to be here. I didn’t ask to be born and to be honest, knowing I wasn’t even planned pisses me off more because there was a possibility for me to not be here but I am. Killing myself is not an option, at least for now, because I don’t want to go through the suffering of dying painfully and slowly, and the repercussions of trying to off yourself (i tried to kill myself at 12 and it landed me in the psyche ward, lesson learned lol). I am aware I am selfish. I’m stuck living the human experience that I hate. The world is terrible and people are terrible and these emotions I feel are terrible and I can’t escape. I’m currently on Wellbutrin and I actually enjoy it a lot, but it wears off after 2 weeks and then I feel even worse than before. This whole post is a whole lot of word vomit, so sorry for that, but I was just wondering if anyone else feels similar to me? Thanks.