u/Responsible_Past_373

repost as i posted my last one at 10PM and i think it got buried.

since my last post i've officially left CAMHS as i wasn't engaging, and before that they extended the time i needed to restrict for before hospital. right now i think it's 5 days without food or water instead of 3. since they've changed it i haven't been back to the hospital as i've been able to 'pull myself out' or what you want to call it.

however i just can't do this. every week without fail i restrict for 3 or 4 days and i just can't keep doing this. i'm loosing opportunities and just worrying everyone. i'm also not meant to go to school after 3 days but i found i can just not tell them. i love starving. i hate when im happy when i eat then drop back into it. i need a serious change. i don't want to stop. i don't want to end up in a clinic. but i feel that this wont ever stop. this will keep happening when i'm 18, 25, 47 or until it ultimately kills me. i have the best chance of being taken seriously as im young.

i don't know if it's too late to do anything, that ill be stuck like this forever. always in the loop of starving then practically binging (take binging with a pinch of salt as it's more eating more than a usual person would eat in a day). everyone has tried to help so much that they've basically given up, im not open to therapy or counselling i need someone to actually force me to do it. this is me asking for help without asking for help.

should i email my support teachers and explain whats going on? explain that I've had enough? someone please tell me what to do.

im at the end of my rope. since my last post i've officially lest CAMHS as i wasn't engaging, and before that they extended the time i needed to restrict for before hospital. right now i think it's 5 days without food or water instead of 3. since they've changed it i haven't been back to the hospital as i've been able to 'pull myself out' or what you want to call it.

however i just can't do this. every week without fail i restrict for 3 or 4 days and i just can't keep doing this. i'm loosing opportunities and just worrying everyone. i'm also not meant to go to school after 3 days but i found i can just not tell them. i love starving. i hate when im happy when i eat then drop back into it. i need a serious change. i don't want to stop. i don't want to end up in a clinic. but i feel that this wont ever stop. this will keep happening when i'm 18, 25, 47 or until it ultimately kills me. i have the best chance of being taken seriously as im young.

should i email my support teachers and explain whats going on? explain that I've had enough? someone please tell me what to do.

i feel so bad all the time and it impacts people almost as much as me. i'm scared that if someone dies the last thing they'd ever remember of me is going to be bad.

my cats 8 i think so she could die at any time and i don't even let her come into my room because when im lying down it takes so much in me to even open my door (i'm right next to it so i cant even leave it open). i don't let her into my room at night because of things that have happened (I've posted about them before).

my mums tried so much for me (therapy and shit) but i don't even try and i know that makes her feel helpless and frustrated and i don't even care. i stay in my room all day just so i don't have to socialise. i barley speak (SM from ASD) and she doesn't really get it and thinks im just holding grudges.

idek about my dad. id like to say he wouldn't care but i know id have people going on and on.

im not nice to my sister sometimes. I've done really really bad things and i just can't stop so again i hide in my room.

i cut myself off from all my friends as they really deserve better and not someone who gets angry easily and will ignore them.

my teachers try so hard to accommodate me and i feel so guilty when i cant do things.

my behaviour impacts people. my shitty coping mechanism impact people. just the way i am impacts people. everyone would be so much better without me, as much as they would deny it. i'm a really really horrible person and i hate how i cant even make myself change.