Did I fuck up my once-platonic friendship with a longtime homeboy beyond repair? Could this be salvaged??
OK, this might be a lot of rambling with a plethora of spelling and grammar errors but I’m exhausted and I’m gonna spill anyways: me and bro have been friends since I was 17 years old (I’m 25F). We were bartenders together for like five or six years and saw each other all the time, but as I’ve gone in and out of relationships, we have been able to maintain a solid friendship that consist of maybe seeing each other once every couple of months while I was in relationships, but talking like all the time. He’s always been the friend to give me solid and truthful advice from a male perspective, he’s also a little older than me and has lived a crazy life so I genuinely view him as someone I look up to and i have always appreciated him respecting and understanding friendship/also boundaries that may have been set in the past by some of my exes about us hanging out super frequently. Well… 2 months and some change ago I got dumped by my ex, and I was and still am going through a lot of confusion about what happened, so I turned to bro, to at first just try to get some male insight on my exes behaviour and maybe even aspects that I could’ve done wrong. We ended up hanging out for the first time in a couple months and everything was great… until we started drinking. Mind you we always would have some drinks together most hangouts, nothing has happened before. In fact this guy is so damn smart and knowledgeable and every hang out was always insightful conversation about history, politics, the fkn economy etc.. We don’t even fall on the same side of the spectrum politically but he has always been the type of person to hear you out, share some insight, challenge your thoughts in respectful yet healthy ways that make you think, or just agree to disagree and continue on kicking the shit and just having a genuinely chill time. I should also mention I know all his secrets and he knows mine, and we protect one another even in rooms we aren’t both present in at the same time (except for now, now I feel like I’m breaking even that by just posting this on here). Anyways ya, we started drinking, not even a crazy amount and I could feel him start to look at me periodically during the show we were watching. Maybe this is my fault but I wanted him to watch HOTD from the beginning cus we are both GOT fans and he never seen it. Some explicit scenes came on and whatever and I didn’t think anything crazy about it until he kinda scooted over like right beside me and practically pulled me into a cuddle. And here’s where I’m actually empty in the fkn head cus stoopid drunk me was like ahahah that’s fine. I won’t lie and say it felt bad to be embraced by a man that I trust and care about in that time of grief and what not. So we keep sipping as Im prolly losing more brain cells by the minute, and he pulls me in for a kiss… that I definitely reciprocate back. Blah blah blah we do the do, I fall asleep, he must’ve like tucked me in at like 5-6am ish and calls me when I’m up saying he had a good time and he hopes I don’t let any of the breakup stuff I had vented to him about that night get to me too much. Super kind, not awkward at all, just talking how we always do… I obviously knew what we did, I definitely enjoyed it, he definitely did too. Right as he’s about to hang up he’s like, “I think we were on episode blank, let’s binge the rest of the season Saturday? (The week after)”….. and my dumb ass, still kinda riding a mental/lustful high from the whole shabang, agreed 😎…. Anyways, that was like 7-8 hangouts ago, and it’s happened every time except once cus he was sick,. Nothing has changed regarding our usual topics of discussion and general vibe, but the moment the room gets silent after one of us finishes yapping, It’s like the atmosphere gets hella freaky kms 😭 like im just waiting for him to pounce on me. Now your probably thinking wow this bitch talks to fkn much, or okay what's the problem explore that avenue…. Couple of things, 1) I missed having a strictly platonic homeboy, I have tried to seek genuine relationships with men in the past and have always had them fail because either one of us would like catch feelings, so I really really really appreciated bro for never even making an odd remark, suggestion, or move on me in our like what 9 years of friendship 2) we are very different people. He’s spoken to me about the type of romantic relationships he prefers, or quote on quote “what he would want in a partner”, and it is very different from myself and also wildly different from what I want (I’m definitely more traditional values when it comes to domestic/ financial/societal roles, and he’s definitely more progressive and less “macho man” I guess)… which is exactly what I appreciated our friendship cus he’s always been one to kindly check me on things I may be a dumb bird about regarding previous partners, 3) he is also the type to like be super serious about the people he’s seeing, i have not known him to just sleep w random hoes or have a roster so i genuinely am worried i am feeding something i dont want to grow into more because at this point we haven’t really spoken to each other about the things we been doing when we hang and if its having an effect on our friendship. 4) the main one, I am not over what just happened to me with my ex. That was a 3 year relationship with a man I literally thought I would marry. fuck we were viewing houses to purchase just in May. I definitely still love him though im filled with hurt and pain (I know, release me 🙄). 5) despite what I said in #4, even though im all hurt and shit, like damn what if I just want to get my rocks off too? And with a man I feel safe with and am attracted to physically and personally? That’s like my steak being too buttery and my pillow too cool. I don't think that's a crime in general. And going back to #3, tthe way the sex is not even a thought/discussion until it’s literally happening, + my previous knowledge of how intentional and wise he is when it comes to intimate involvement, it makes me think that maybe he thinks this is just going to “naturally evolve” into something way more. Cus I know he wouldn’t do that with just like anyone.
I am just worried this has gone beyond saving now. A lot of it is my fault. Because I know he’s such a deep person, I am scared to try to initiate this conversation with him, because I don’t want him to take it the wrong way. This is NOT about how he looks either, he’s obviously damn attractive, always has been, it’s caused fights in my previous friend group cus everyone wanted to throw themselves at him. And it’s not because I don’t love. I love him like you love any other of your best friends. But that’s just it, it’s not like a romantic type of love or feeling. I appreciate and value everything about him including our differences, it’s so important to me. And ya, I’ve hyped him up so much (deservingly), so you’d think that based on what I said he seems like the kind of guy to totally fucking get it if and when we do have this convo… but honestly, as much as I do believe that, I’m taken aback by the fact that this has even happened between us. As I said before, I’m a dumb bitch sometimes, I’m not surprised I did and still am actively doing this, but him? I expected him to be the type to shut down anything immediately if it ever were to happen like it already has. So this is shocking to me on that part. Which is why I’m now psyching myself out thinking maybe he still is that person but now he’s catching feelings so he’s intentionally acting different and giving in more and more. Anyways. I probably sound like it’s my first day on earth. How do I have this talk without ruining this friendship. I know it has to stop because I miss him being my best friend and that’s it. As much as the sex is great, this changes everything now when you think about future tense whether that be future relationships, friendship dynamic etc. most of all I don’t want to lose my friend. Am I gonna stop sleeping with him? Yea… IF I CAN FIND A WAY TO DO THIS. I’m worried he may see the deepness of our friendship for all these years as way to rationalize the sex cus like maybe he thought this was always coming in the long run? Have I thought that?? Idfk I can’t think most times. Bruh idk, tell me ur opinions. U can tell me to stfu too. And let’s say the conversation is chill and amicable, but then he doesn’t want to hang out with me again and go back to normal because of the possibility either of us may slip up again… or maybe to him this is just casual idk. Just so confused.