u/Right-Explanation562

I’ll try to make it short.

As a teenager growing up I didn’t have much friends, spent weekends at my parents house and didn’t create any experiences.

At around the age of 22 I met this girl. I swear to god when I was with her I forgot all the pain from the past.And out of a sudden I was part of a group.

At the age of 26 I graduated and decided to break up. I crushed this girl.
I felt like I had enough and that I’m just not there anymore.
I made a move to a different city to chase the dream of making money and hitting the gym 4-5 times a week.

I’m 30 today, and although I did achieve my physics goals more or less, I didn’t make money as I hoped.
I had to leave and go back to my parents house and start from zero.

And it all hit me at once how I threw away the most beautiful relationship and I lost the best memories of my life.
And for what? For fucking what?
I chased the dream of money that I forgot to live my life. I didn’t pay attention that I had the most beautiful life, more than I could imagine.

And now when it’s time to find someone I feel so stupid because this woman was everything I ever wanted, and I look at other women and I’m like ‘what since does it make what’??
And it’s not anymore like when you are in your early 20s.. no more group of friends to meet someone in a natural way, no more people look at you as a kid at the beginning of his career.. now I must have resume. Which I don’t…
On top of that, everyone who studied with me is already with a kid or at least on the way…

I know it might sounds too much but I swear the pain I feel the last few weeks… I can’t fucking sleep, can’t get 30 minutes without painful thoughts in my head, almost can’t go a night without dreaming about the ex…
I’m about to lose it, the pain of regret is eating me from inside.
I don’t live the present anymore, only rewinding what I would do back then, how I would propose and how beautiful my life could be.

Please someone how is it possible to live this way, how??
From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep I’m in unimaginable pain, I can’t take it anymore I’m exhausted..

I know that everyone says it is all idolization and that we tend to remember all the good and not the bad. But what if it actually was that good?

I broke up with my ex years ago because I wasn’t ready, felt like if I stayed I could never move on to the next step. So I set her free.

Now when I want to settle (typical man I guess), I think of everything and realize I don’t think I will ever find anyone like her.
And I’m not speaking from a place of raw emotion (I’m not even saying I’m ‘in love’), I’m being purely logical.

She had literally everything I ever wanted.
Share values, great connection with family, same hobbies.. I could go on and on and on… I’m not exaggerating, I can’t think of one, one bad thing.
People say to make this garbage list of what was wrong, but there is nothing wrong!!

Bottom line, I’m scared to death that one day I will marry a woman, look at her at the wedding day and think to myself.. ‘I wish it wasn’t you’.

Last month I’m just depressed in ways that never in my life I thought I would.

Has anyone else gone through this?
And can share how he/she got out of it? 
If this is even possible..