u/Ring_Tha_Bell_97

Hi all, 29m & 28f, married for 3 years (dated 3 ontop). We are in a loving marriage, with an 8 month old, in a house & both my wife and I work together to keep the house Christ centered, orderly and very stable. Both of us are very type A and blessed with health and financial freedom.

Prior to marriage I pursued my wife strongly, and we agreed that sex was to be in marriage and other “sex-lite” things needed to be avoided as best as possible until marriage.

From the moment we got married, my wife stopped having sexual interest. She has not one time ever expressed sexual interest, she has not ever put on lingerie (despite me asking), she has not ever tried to seduce me or accepted my advances in a flirty way. On our honeymoon sex was painful (so I didn’t push it), after our honeymoon (and some time figuring lube out) it became enjoyable for her (or so she has told me)… but then it became a problem that I was finishing too fast, so I bought marital aids and started taking a pill to help (but she still has never expressed interest). Then we got pregnant and her lobito went out the window, now we have an 8th month old and the stresses of life and she is always too tired or “we don’t have enough time”.

I have explained to her that I know she loves me, but that it makes me feel unloved when we go 2+ weeks without any kind of sexual contact. I have tried hiring babysitters and taking her on nice evenings out, nothing. I do chores non stop, nothing. I have bought her fancy push presents, nothing. I kill my hobbies and enjoyment everyday to be a present father and husband (and I love it)… but deep in the back of my mind I can’t help but feel like my wife isn’t interested in me or I’m not doing enough to earn her love and affection.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to talk with her about it… and it breaks my heart every time she shuts me down. I love her, I love our marriage, I love our daughter, but I never imagined that marriage meant sex every two weeks initiated by me and only as a chore.

Any advice? I’ve thought that maybe buying her smut books might help… I just have no idea how to jump start this part of our marriage.

I have been struggling to reconcile Jesus’ command in Matthew 5:19 to Paul’s teachings in Galatians about being saved by faith and not through works such as circumcision.

“Therefore whoever relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever does them and teaches them will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.”

Does anyone have a good way to think about this?
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