Partner wants to go on a planed vacation wile my mother is dying.
Fusilli with lamb meat sauce .
My (55M) relationship with my partner (53F) may have ended over a Scotland trip after I found out my mom could die. Am I being unreasonable?
I’m 55M and my partner is 53F. We’ve been together for four years, although we don’t live together. We actually go way back — we went to high school together and have known each other for about 35 years. We reconnected later in life, fell in love, and honestly it’s been a pretty amazing love story.
We’ve had a trip to Scotland planned for a long time. It’s a bucket-list trip for both of us, and we’re supposed to leave October 10. We’ve both been really looking forward to it.
A couple of days ago, everything changed.
My mother has been battling dementia/Alzheimer’s for close to 13 years. I received a call telling me that she wasn’t doing well and could pass away at any time.
Obviously, my first thought was that I might have to cancel Scotland. I told my partner what was happening and that there was a possibility we wouldn’t be able to go.
Her first reaction really caught me off guard.
Instead of saying something like, “Don’t worry about the trip, I’m here for you, we can go another time,” she wanted to know why she couldn’t still go to Scotland without me. She became very upset and started crying about potentially losing the trip.
I understand being disappointed. I was disappointed too. We’ve spent money, planned this for a long time and were excited about it.
But I was being told that my mother could die at any moment.
What I needed from my partner at that moment was compassion and the feeling that she was beside me. Scotland will still be there next year. My mother dying is obviously something completely different.
If the situation were reversed and one of her parents was potentially dying, I honestly wouldn’t even have to think about it. The trip would be over for me. I would stay with her and we would figure out Scotland another time.
Because of her reaction, I withdrew emotionally for a couple of days. She didn’t understand why I was acting differently.
Today we finally had a serious conversation about it.
I thought she might say that she had reacted emotionally because she was disappointed about the trip, but that she understood why I was hurt and would be there for me.
Instead, she continued defending her position. She said she didn’t understand why she couldn’t have gone without me and that she could still have supported me while she was in Scotland.
She also said that I was making her out to be selfish, a bad person or a monster.
The thing is, I never called her any of those things.
I tried to explain that I wasn’t judging whether she was a good or bad person. I was telling her what I expect from a partner. For me, when something this serious happens, you stand beside the person you love. You don’t have to be convinced to do it.
Ironically, my mother has improved over the last couple of days. If she continues improving, I probably would have ended up going to Scotland after all.
But that’s almost irrelevant now because we didn’t know that when I received the call. At the time, I genuinely believed I could be days away from losing my mother.
After everything that’s happened, I told my partner I don’t want to go to Scotland anymore. The whole trip feels completely different to me now.
She became upset and left.
And that may be how a four-year relationship with someone I’ve known for 35 years ends.
I’m devastated because I love this woman. This wasn’t some casual relationship. Until a few days ago, I thought we had something very special.
But I’m also questioning whether I’m looking at this too emotionally because of what’s happening with my mother.
I don’t think wanting to go to Scotland makes her a horrible person. I understand how important this trip was to her.
What I can’t get past is that when I thought I might be losing my mother, her instinct wasn’t, “I’m staying beside you.” Her instinct was, “Why can’t I still go?”
And something about that changed the way I see our relationship.
So I’m genuinely asking:
Am I being unreasonable for expecting my partner to cancel the trip and stay with me if my mother was dying?
And am I overreacting by questioning the entire relationship because of how she handled this?