I miss my 3 year old
I'm a foster carer.
We have cared for our little girl since she was a baby, and now, at 3 years old, she's gone back to live with her birth mother.
I would rather not get comments on why she went back, or that "That's the nature of foster care". People within and outside of the system all disagree with it. The girls relatives disagree with it. But nothing can be done. Nothing. I looked.
I miss reading stories to her. I miss her sitting on my shoulders while we walked around a shop. I miss her hiding my phone with her mischievous grin. I miss checking on her every night before I go to bed myself. I miss holding her, playing with her, showing her the world. I miss how small her hand is in mine, and how big her hugs made me feel. I miss how when she's very tired she'd ask to sit on my shoulders, would rest her head on mine, and absent-mindedly rub my beard to soothe herself. I even miss tantrums and seeing her grow up in unexpected ways that only toddlers can. I miss her constantly asking me why, and then, when I was running out of answers and I'd turn it back on her with "well, why do you think why?" she'd give fascinating answers. I miss her random singing and testing out the world, like saying Abracadabra when alone to test if she has magic. She does have magic, just not the way she thinks.
I probably won't see her again, despite caring for her for three years. Me and my other half are her real parents. We love her incredibly. I just miss her.
Toddlers have a special magic. You are their everything. Their world. Their protectors, best friends, teachers, leaders, guides, chefs, butlers, maids, chauffeurs, and idols. The love you get from a toddler is unmatched.
So, dear toddler mums, dads, and non-binary parents, do me a favour. Give your little ones incredibly tight hugs from me, a sad man on the internet, and love them a little bit more.
And treasure this age.
EDIT: I posted this going to bed, just feeling sorry for myself and writing just to get her feelings out. I'm blown away by the support and kind words, especially from those who said I made their days better, or made them appreciate their children more.
For those with questions, I can answer some but not all. I'm not in the US, so the laws and procedures are different. Whether we see her again is completely dependent on her birth mum (birth dad is not on the scene, the mum is single). Birth mum said she wants us to be a part of the child's life going forward, but she's gone 15 days as I wrote this and I've heard nothing.
Birth mum filed a complaint about me specifically once. Once, when the child was crying and begging not to be left at mums for a visit, I got on my knees and reassured the child, hugging her and saying "it's okay, you're safe, I'll be back in 6 hours". The mum claimed I was making things difficult for her, the mum. I don't have a lot of confidence in the mum staying true to her word of letting the child see us.
I have made it abundantly clear that if the child needs a foster home again, we will always be here for her. What makes it hard is that even people in the system have said they believe the mum will fail anyway, and she'll be back to us. But I don't want that, as the child will suffer.
We cannot have biological children ourselves, and adoption in our country can take upwards of 10 years, so this is how we will experience parenthood. Our plan is to continue to foster, once we're ready. But we are always going to hold a space in our home for this little girl.