في مكان لسة فاتح جديد اسمه the bridge في القديمة عند الكوبري التاريخي، فيه مطاعم وقعدة للعوائل او الكابلز جنب النيل زائد بيعملوا حفلات كل جمعة تقريبا، حد جرب يروحه قبل كدة والتجربة هناك كانت عاملة ازاي والاسعار؟
3 months ago something happened that I still think about every single day. This is mostly a vent because I don't have anyone in my life I can talk to about this, advice is welcome tho
I'm a 19F who grew up in a very religious Muslim family (and this is NOT meant to attack Islam or Muslims). What my family doesn't know is that I quietly left the religion years ago, I've kept that secret buried because leaving is considered a huge sin, and I know it would destroy my relationship with them. Because of that, I've lived a double life, I've done things that would be considered forbidden, and one of those things was watching porn. I never had a relationship since dating and sex outside marriage aren't allowed, so porn became this strange "comfort zone" for me. I always searched for "soft", "romantic", "couple" porn videos. Something that felt like affection. And I used to watch it every weekend as a reward after a stressful week.
Then exam season came. I was overwhelmed, anxious, and exhausted. The night before a really difficult exam, I thought watching something would calm me down a little. That's when my mom walked in and caught me. I don't think I've ever felt shame like that in my life. She kept repeating, "I didn’t expect that from you." I panicked and literally went silent and eventually she told me to stop watching it, I lied and said okay.
But it didn't end there. First, She started guilt‑tripping me without saying it directly, she told me she was having nightmares about that day. Then, she watched me constantly, every time I looked at my phone, even normally, she accused me of watching porn again, she kept nagging me about it for a whole month. I couldn't look her in the eyes, and I was in a consistent fear that she might have already told someone about me as she always does whenever I make a mistake. Overall, I couldn't forget that day even for a second.
And everything started falling apart.
My exams: I couldn't focus at all. My brain was stuck replaying that moment. I barely studied, and when my grades came out, they were the worst I've ever gotten.
Nightmares: Till this day, I kept dreaming about my mom catching me again, or going through my phone. I'd wake up terrified, thinking it actually happened.
My relationship with intimacy: Right after that day, I tried watching the same type of videos again, just to see how I felt. But instead of comfort, I felt sick, stomachache and disgust, almost like I wanted to throw up, I was so shocked about that feeling. My whole view of intimacy broke, even pure kisses or hugs make me feel really uncomfortable to watch now.
The addiction getting worse: So I stopped for two months. But when I tried again recently, that "disgust" was still there… except when I stumbled upon a type of porn extremely different from the type of porn I used to enjoy, it was BDSM videos, which is very strange because I used to be very repulsed by it, I don't know what changed. And now I'm watching that type of porn every day instead of once a week. I feel like I'm losing control over myself.
I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know how to fix this. I just feel ashamed, confused, and scared that something in me broke that day.
TL;DR: My mom caught me watching porn three months ago, and the shame, guilt, and constant accusations afterward completely messed with my mental state. I did badly in exams, started having nightmares, and now my relationship with intimacy feels broken. I've developed a different kind of porn addiction that scares me, and I don't know how to stop or understand why this is happening.