u/RoughCost5327

The urge has been happening since 2 years ago, violent tendencies has been happening since I was 2 years old.
All I see is my fist or a knife going into someone kneck when I get the urge, its like god himself is guiding my arm into someone.
Dead bodies dont creep me out, and when I see dead animals it only makes the want stronger.
I dont get angry or violent, this stopped when I started masterbaiting (which I started at 10), which I honestly have no idea why. When I stopped for a month, (this happened half a year ago) all I thought about was sex and murder, my urges aswell as sexual urges became extreme.
Im a normal person, I deep down want to be loved, but these urges are popping up and I dont know what to do.
My plan is just to go into the army and experience it.
People in my life are just making me want to hurt them so fucking badly, only reason why I havent is because of jail, but its like they’re begging on their knees to die.
Also I made a post before this and you assholes didnt respond I got an ai in my fucking dms so fuck yall

I want to start out that I would never kill anyone illegally, jail to me, is worse then anything, so illegally speaking, I wouldnt hurt a fly if it costed me jail time. But the want is still there, I dont kill animals or anything but I definitely want to, theres just too much risk and not a good way to do it in my current life rn as I am 17 and stuck in my parents house, which has cameras everywhere. The desire came when I was 15, and watched a serial killer movie, as stupid as that sounds that led me to digress into watching more terrible films, and I eventually landed in gore and watching brutal films. I like watching this because it is entertaining, AND because when I do feel disturbed it makes me feel happy, or euphoric a little bit. When I was a kid I had VERY bad anger issues (I think mainly stemmed from emotional trauma and neglect) and because of this I got very violent. I hit one of my parents, i liked scaring animals, i hurt animals, i hurt people, I used to yell and scream at family members, I have so many memories of punching/attacking people for no reason, or cause I was angry (inwhich for some reason everyone covered for me and didnt get me professional help which was insane), but it went away from a while, I think because of a traumatic event that left me leaving some family members and having to basically restart my life, but recently its been getting worse, but its not anger I could take it out on somebody or something, its anger that resides in me and I think I would stop feeling it if I hurt someone/something.

I assume most people are going to reccomend professional help, like a therapist, but it wont help me. Especially since im still technically a kid they’ll lock me up in a hospital the minute I speak. Theres no one that can truly help me but myself. I dont think im suffering from any mental disorder or personality disorder, mainly because I have researched top to bottom, trying to find something that fits me, trying to search for an identity, but nothing really does. I want to be labled as something, really anything that would explain me but theres no simple diagnosis.

I feel like im losing my mind, like im losing myself. The only problem is I dont know who I am, all my interactions with people are fake. All my humor is my brain convincing me something is funny. My relationships with people are all fake. Every last one of them. I only have them in my life because I currently dont have the freedom not too. All my relationships I want replaced. Everyone are pieces of shit. Very few people I dont actively hate. I wish I didnt crave love and attention from people, I see it as a weakness most of the time, but only to cope from the fact that I dont get any, I never had, not from my childhood or anywhere. I feel like my mental problems and the need to hurt people are combining.

Religeon in general seems like a coping method for people. My main question is why is everything so centralized to humans? Morals/rules are only for people but not for animals because we’re ‘smart’? And also lets say christianity for example, it has a hell and a heaven. Its very clear in saying that you can commit sins, but aslong as you follow christ, try to repent you’ll follow through heaven, so where do non-humans go? If animals just get let through thats just immoral, and unfair, they get freedom because they’re stupid? So what about stupid humans? Do they also get let through heaven?. If animals are judged based on their faith, then all of them go straight to hell because they’re too stupid to understand religeon or faith. If they’re judged based on their actions then how is that any fair either, they are what they are programmed to by genes, the same genes god created, so how can they be rightfully judged? Both humans and animals are also massive products of their environment, so why would you send a sociopath to hell for committing immoral crimes, and for not believing or following god when their genes and involuntary environment caused this? It all doesnt make sense, and it just seems like a way to connect with someone, or providing people with a motive, or reason for life to cope with the immense loneliness / general issues society causes. It is also strange how human religeons, made by humans, for humans, is based off of other man-made religions. Almost to cope for certain areas/times, and further makes religeon seem even more absurd. Im asking this as a genuine question, and I understand that most people are going to say “our religeon doesnt specifically say” which also begs the question why it doesnt specifically say.
If the main thing for a religeon is for you to believe it, why doesnt it have answers for the questions i asked, its not like its a bunch of niche or strange questions either, it makes sense why religeons should answer, inwhich they dont. Its just something to think about, and if you have an answer I would genuinely love to hear it.