u/RoughSupermarket3671

Hi everyone! Thank you as always for your honest and kind feedback! Here’s my next attempt at the query for my book about dead teens competing for a second chance at life.

Dear Agent’s Name, 

I thought you might be interested in ROSES ARE DEAD, a 75,000-word YA speculative thriller with mystery elements, blending the ‘solve your own murder’ premise of Holly Jackson’s Not Quite Dead Yet with the deadly competition of IV Marie’s Immortal Consequences, and the sapphic romance of Tanya Byrne’s Afterlove.

After a fire kills sixteen-year-old Alexandra, her siblings, and the girl she loves, they are given a choice. Return to earth the month before the fire and compete against each other for a second chance at life or stay in the afterlife forever. Only one of them can survive their past. The rest will be erased from existence forever. 

As the Rebirth Trials begin, Alexandra’s second chance is determined by her ability to identify and fix the worst mistakes she made the month leading up to her death; mistakes caused by her raging temper. Each mistake she repairs brings her closer to the truth about the fire. Falling back into old habits means elimination. But someone is rewriting the past to rig the competition. If the culprit succeeds, she’ll stay dead forever.

Alexandra is sure there’s already a grave with her name on it. Her temper has already cost her a basketball scholarship, ruined friendships, and convinced her father she’s a destructive mess. But dying again means losing the chance to redeem herself, and winning means losing her siblings and the love of her life.
As a bisexual graduate of Fairleigh Dickinson's creative writing program, I’m excited to explore LGBT+ themes in this novel. I currently work as a teen librarian at Darien Library. 

The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration,
Haley Patricia

First 300:

In exactly thirty minutes, my first life will end.  

No one thought to warn me? Seriously? Because, listen, if someone had just come to me with this information, I would have said, “Yeah, that tracks.” I would have skipped this damn party. 
But they didn’t. So as of now, I’m still living my first life in oblivion, the December air freezing my hands off as I practice for a scholarship that won’t matter anyway. It’s my own fault, honestly. I should see it coming. A month of making every bad choice in existence led me here. Led us here. 
   I line up to shoot my twenty-fifth basket for the day. I glance at my phone, propped on the mailbox, recording. It doesn’t matter if I miss now. I can just record again. 
But it will at my game tomorrow. When dad’s eyes are on me the whole time, waiting for me to screw up. 
I’m sorry did I ask for his opinion? Didn’t think so. I glance at my phone again. The evidence that shows I’m practicing. So if I screw up tomorrow, at least I can tell dad I tried. 
“I don’t care.” The words taste funny on my tongue as I bounce the ball harder than I need to. 
After mom died, it was like dad put me on trial. He began policing everything—my grades, how well I played at basketball games, whether dinner was burnt after I cooked it.
I miss the version of him who taught me how to shoot a free-throw.
But hopefully earning this scholarship will smooth things over.

Hello everyone! I'm looking for a couple of beta readers for my novel Roses are Dead—a YA thriller about dead teens competing for a second chance at life by traveling into the past and undoing the choices that doomed them the first time. Whoever fixes the most of their past mistakes wins, and the losers are erased from existence forever. My deadline is September 16th, and it's 75k words. Thank you! I am happy to send a first chapter sample to see if you're interested before committing. Also please do not run my work through any ai to give feedback. Please only commit if you can give feedback without ai.

Hi everyone! Thanks so much for your wonderful feedback on this! I know last time there were a lot of questions about the specifics of the competition. I was advised by industry professionals not to include every single detail to help with the mystery and keep my blurb quick and snappy rather than too dense but feel free to let me know if there's anything super confusing about this.

I included my first 300 as well. Thanks so much!

Haley

Dear Agent’s Name, 

I thought you might be interested in ROSES ARE DEAD, a 73,000-word YA speculative thriller with mystery elements, blending the ‘solve your own murder’ premise of Holly Jackson’s Not Quite Dead Yet with the deadly competition of IV Marie’s Immortal Consequences, and the sapphic romance of Tanya Byrne’s Afterlove.

After a fire kills sixteen-year-old Alexandra, her siblings, and the girl she loves, they are given a choice. Return to earth the month before the fire and compete against each other for a second chance at life or stay in the afterlife forever. Only one of them can survive their past. The rest will be erased from existence forever. 

As the Rebirth Trials begin, Alexandra’s second chance is determined by her ability to identify and fix the worst mistakes she made the month leading up to her death; mistakes caused by her raging temper. Each mistake she repairs brings her closer to the truth about the fire. Falling back into old habits means elimination. But someone is rewriting the past to rig the competition. If the culprit succeeds, she’ll stay dead forever.

Alexandra is sure there’s already a grave with her name on it. Her temper has already cost her a basketball scholarship, ruined friendships, and convinced her father she’s a destructive mess. But dying again means losing the chance to redeem herself, and winning means losing her siblings and the love of her life.

As a bisexual graduate of Fairleigh Dickinson's creative writing program, I’m excited to explore LGBT+ themes in this novel. I currently work as a teen librarian at Darien Library. 

The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration,

Haley Patricia

First 300:

In exactly thirty minutes, my first life will end.
The one where my biggest problems are Dad’s expectations and whether I earn a basketball scholarship. 
Right now I’m about one second away from making this next basket, shaky and yawning, with no idea that it’s all about to go up in flames.
Too bad. The clock’s already ticking.
This is the night I’ll replay a thousand times over, wondering which of the mistakes I’m about to make will set my life on fire. 
I line up to shoot my twenty-fifth basket for the day. I peer at my phone, propped on the mailbox, recording. If I miss I'll hear about it. 
I’m sorry did I ask for dad’s opinion? Didn’t think so. 
“I don’t care.” The words taste funny on my tongue as I bounce the ball harder than I need to. 
After mom died, dad didn’t start drinking the way a lot of people do. Instead, he began policing everything—my grades, how well I played at basketball games, whether dinner was burnt after I finished cooking it.
“It’s not you, I promise,” my older sister Anna told me the day she found me sobbing on my bed after a game. Dad had just scolded me for missing the winning shot. “Please don’t feel bad about this. I overheard him crying to Uncle John yesterday. About how he’s stressed without mom here. He wants everything to be perfect. Doesn’t want to feel like he’s failing us, you know?”
Excuses, excuses. I’d like to believe Anna but I don’t think what she said makes sense. He’s just using mom to justify hating me. 
The worst part is that I can’t even blame him. I’d lose it too, if I had to deal with a walking disaster like me. 

Hi everyone! It's been a week since my first attempt so here's my second one! I took all of your amazing notes into account and tried to fix my query and first 300. I am open to feedback on this one as well! Thank you! The first 300 is supposed to start in the normal moments before her death but feel free to let me know if anything feels off about it! Thank you!

Here's the first attempt: https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1ss4gc2/qcrit_roses_are_dead_ya_speculative_thriller/

Query:

Dear Agent’s Name, 

I thought you might be interested in ROSES ARE DEAD, a 70,000-word YA speculative thriller with mystery elements, blending the solving your own murder premise of Holly Jackson’s Not Quite Dead Yet with the deadly competition of IV Marie’s Immortal Consequences, and the sapphic romance of Tanya Byrne’s Afterlove.

One month. One mystery. One survivor. 

After a fire kills sixteen-year-old Alexandra, her siblings, and the girl she loves, they’re given a choice: return to the month before the fire and compete against each other for a second chance at life or stay in the afterlife forever. Only one of them can survive their past. The rest will be erased from existence forever.

As the Rebirth Trials begin, Alexandra’s second chance is determined by her ability to identify and fix the worst mistakes she made the month leading up to her death; mistakes caused by her raging temper. Every one she repairs will bring her closer to the truth about the fire. Falling back into old habits means elimination. But someone is rewriting the past to rig the competition. If the culprit succeeds, she’ll stay dead forever.

Alexandra is sure there’s already a grave with her name on it. Her temper has already cost her a basketball scholarship, ruined friendships, and convinced her father she’s a destructive mess. But dying again means losing the chance to redeem herself, and winning means losing her siblings and the love of her life.

As a bisexual graduate of Fairleigh Dickinson's creative writing program, I’m excited to explore LGBT+ themes in this novel. I currently work as a teen librarian at Darien Library. 

The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration,

Haley Patricia

First 300:

In exactly thirty minutes, my first life will end.

The one where my biggest problems are Dad’s expectations and whether I earn a basketball scholarship. 
Right now I’m about one second away from making this next basket, shaky and yawning, with no idea that it’s all about to end. 
Too bad. The clock’s already ticking.
This is the night I’ll play a thousand times over, wondering which of the mistakes I’m about to make will set my life on fire. 
I line up to shoot my twenty-fifth basket for the day. I peer at my phone, propped on the mailbox, recording. If I miss I'll hear about it. 
I’m sorry did I ask for dad’s opinion? Didn’t think so. 
I bounce the ball anyway. 
The frigid wind bites at my cheeks and rakes through my brown curls. The ball heats up in my hands, like it’s screaming at me to “make this shot or else.” As if I don’t get shouted at by people enough. Now I’m being threatened by a basketball too. How lovely. 
Whatever. I’ve made this shot a thousand times. I bet dad’s ass I can make it again. 
A tiny pressure at my waist makes me jump. “Boo!” 
My cheeks burn as Lainey’s hands snake around my stomach. Damn her for turning my knees to jelly when I’m supposed to be at work.
“God, Lainey, you could have announced yourself.” I turn around in her arms, praying she can’t feel me tense up. 
“Sorry, Alex.” She chuckles, resting her chin on my shoulder. Her weight feels heavier than usual and she sways, causing us both to stumble back a bit. Laughing, she pulls me tighter into her chest until regaining her balance. “Your arms are freezing, babe.”