u/Routine-Honey7748

My son is 6m old and my first son is now 13. I had him when I was young, became a single mom and then met my husband and we tried to have one together. Now our baby is 6m old and I have terrible PPD and sadness of our situation. Everyone keeps saying it’s ppd or PPA but truthfully, I’m just disappointed. I loved my life before my baby. I was a workout fanatic, ran marathons and half marathons, lifted weights, loved to work and make money, walk my dog, attend all my kids sporting events and be super present with him, sleep, etc. Now, my baby had colic for the first 4m. We did dairy free diet for me, pumping, speech therapist to rule out feeding issues, a different pediatrician, chiropractor, etc etc etc. I am a SAHM and I get out everyday still to workout or I do it in the garage during naps. My relationship with my husband and son both suck because I’m stuck in the house almost always. My baby gets tired within like 1 hour of his wake window, so then there is rubbing his eyes and crying and we have to basically go home because he won’t fall asleep anywhere except in his dark room while being rocked to sleep. people want to make plans? we don’t go. or, they go and I stay home. Everything is just so much harder and tbh I think i romanticized this baby. My pregnancy was so easy and then ever since he’s been here- boom. I get told it’s bad ppd and I need to get a break more often and go to a therapist. I’ve been to 2 of them. And when I get a break it just makes it worse because the whole time I’m gone I’m crying that I have to come back here. This is progressively gotten worse-to the point one night I drove me and my baby to the er because he wouldn’t stop crying so I couldn’t stop crying. I’m not scared I’ll harm myself but I think about things like giving up custody of my kids so I can take care of myself. I’m in a very dark place and I’m upset that I can’t die. Since I can’t die I just have to live in this hell hole and I don’t think that’s fair to my kids that they have a mom that’s this depressed. My husband has no idea what to do. He helps me, does all the night wakings, etc. I have support. But I just hate being a mom and hate my life now. Everytime my baby cries I go into a spiral of pure hatred for my life. I get frustrated with him and constantly annoyed that he whines. I just don’t know how to make myself….like my life more? if that makes sense. Is this even ppd?

My son is 6.5 months old. Since birth he’s weighed average weight and a little above average height. Not a big baby by any means, always close to 40-50th percentiles for weight. We had feeding difficulties that we never figured out- trialed Pepcid, cut dairy, moved to HA formula, tried a chiropractor, went to a speech language clinic, doing overall way better now.
Our only concerns are that he measures 75th percentiles for head circumference and now at 6m he is 85th percentile. Pediatrician wants to have us go back in 1m and remeasure. I asked to please schedule an ultrasound or imaging to see if he’s okay. They kind of pushed back because he isn’t having vomiting or any of the other hydrocephalus symptoms. He is however very tired. Upon waking from naps, during about an hour to an hour and a half into his wake window he is already rubbing his eyes, fussing, yawning. Then, it turns to crying and a nap. He is teething so that could be the cause- but he’s always been like this- very tired. They explained it isn’t lethargy though, seems more developmental. Did anyone have something similar? Our ultrasound is in 2.5 weeks and I already have PPA with the rollercoaster we’ve been on since birth and I’m scared honestly.