u/Routine_Mix_8247

Hi so im 17m and I have not had a haircut in quite sometime, my hair is very outgrown and messy I personally stop cutting it because idk as like an act of defiance it sounds stupid now but I hate the way I looked and I would try so hard to make something that is ugly look good so I just said f it and kinda leaned into that depressed look. But things havent changed and are really bad and maybe shaving it while mix things up a little idk. Its pretty bad looking it isnt a good grown out hair today my brother told me that I looked like some character named L from deathnote I didnt know who that was or if it was supposed to be an insult but after looking it up yeah its pretty accurate lol. I asked a friend and they said it probably was a really bad idea- my question would it really be that stupid?

Im 17 and things suck so bad Im so depressed right now and im getting to that point of not caring anymore. Its that feeling of when you hurt someones feelings or you messed up and I just dont care because of just how terrible I feel- it feels like its like a tiny complaint thats just added to a huge stack of issues that are stacking up on my chest. Theres just to many to look at to many to care anymore. Im tired of trying to keep up the appearance of being good and nice and everything is ok right now I just want to fuck it all up I want to know that Im at rock bottom and not just wonder if I am or not. I want to mess it all up so I can look back at me and say yes I was something special and nice and now im not. I dont want my family and friends to love me anymore I dont want people to like me. In fact it might make me feel better if they all started to hate me. Im only 17 and I have all of this when will it get better?

I know none of those horrible things I said that I wanted will make anything better which is why im saying them I just want to get them out of my head because I cant say any of this to anyone in my real life. I want to be better I want to wake up from this terrible nightmare and forget about all that I am. I want all thoughts and feelings to stop.

I dont know what to think or feel about these thoughts I really dont. For a little info im 17 and I have bipolar and I have been in a terrible depression from it so maybe these thoughts are coming from that somehow idk. Its just I dont know how to describe it when I look girls or women I just wish I was pretty like them. I just hate myself so bad right now and hate my brain so much I dont like being a boy with all this weird sexual energy I hate sex stuff I hate it all I dont want any of it I dont want to pursue anyone or ask people out I just dont want to I want to safe and kind and I want to for once feel beautiful and believe it but im so scared by these thoughts because they just feel bad but maybe even if I was a girl it wouldnt change anything because people try to tell me nice things now like that i am beautiful but I never believe them. I just dont want to be me anymore I want to be something pretty