How did you heal your wounds?
Hi all,
My wife and I have two absolutely lovely daughters, ages four and two years old. We are currently in a rough spot in our relationship. We just stopped an argument where I couldn’t answer if I wanted to continue our marriage.
For context:
I believe I have been a bit damaged from the particularly difficult years after our first was born. My wife became extremely critical of me. I was in a constant walking on eggshells state. After my patients and compassion had been surpassed, my primary defense was to either say nothing at all and become a brick wall for her to yell at or I would deflect and blame. Postpartum mental health was really hard on her. I came to the points countless times where I felt I couldn’t take anymore. Thankfully I had a great therapist and psychiatrist and a rewarding job as outlets that help carry me through. I worked a lot on my own shame and betting myself up. I worked on not deflecting and fighting my urge to shut down.
My wife has done quite a bit of her own work on herself. She has made notable progress on being critical and allowing her anxiety to dictate things. We are now at yet another stressful life transition. Changed insurance so I no longer have my therapist, we recently moved, she is starting her job, the girls just started school, and I am still looking for a job as of April.
The issue:
When she is frustrated or critical of me I can’t seem to get past my defense of shutting down or deflecting.
I also don’t or refrain from communicating my feelings or thoughts. This is because I either just don’t think to do it or I refrain as I want to keep the peace. However, she wants me to communicate more. I think I feel fear of more criticism and communication of my thoughts and feelings makes me more vulnerable to criticism that will hurt even more. For some reason the word trust comes to my mind a lot when I think of this. I don’t trust her anymore with my thoughts or feelings and I don’t trust if I do become vulnerable that we will resolve or at least argue in a healthy way.
I don’t know if I couldn’t answer her if I wanted to stay in the relationship because I actually don’t and I and scared to admit that or if I am just at yet another rough place and need to just continue to work on these things. I am honestly miserable in many ways but genuinely happy in other ways.
I want to heal and restore trust but I feel a bit trapped. If anyone felt similar to me and came out the other end together in a happy relationship how did you do it? How do I heal? Is there anything anyone thinks I might be missing? Any advice or suggestions are welcome.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.