u/Rude-Ad-8254

I’m looking for perspective from anyone who has been in a similar situation, particularly women who were the partner/fiancée.
My fiancé has a young child from a one-night stand before we met. When she told him she was pregnant, he suggested an abortion because he did not want to have a child under those circumstances. She chose to continue the pregnancy, which obviously was her decision to make. She told him she wanted to do everything on her own, did not want him involved, and blocked him.
He has never met the child and has never had visitation or a relationship with them. Paternity has since been legally established, and he pays court-ordered child support and provides health insurance as required. The mother still does not want him involved, and he has also remained consistent that he does not want to pursue a relationship with the child.
His perspective is that remaining completely out of the child’s life may ultimately be less confusing and painful than coming in and out of it. He has explained that if he isn’t a parental figure from the beginning, the child won’t grow up expecting him to call, visit, show up for holidays, etc. He also feels that it gives the mother and child the opportunity for a clean slate — for her to date, hopefully eventually marry someone who genuinely wants to take on the father role, and potentially have that person adopt the child if that is what everyone wants in the future.
Whether or not that is the “right” way to look at it is something I’m struggling with. The entire situation has been very messy and sad.
What makes this especially difficult for me is that, outside of this situation, my fiancé is a wonderful man. He works extremely hard, treats me well, and has expressed that he wants to continue checking in with me about how I’m feeling because he understands how difficult this has been for me. I don’t recognize the stereotypical “deadbeat dad” description I keep seeing online when I look at the person I know in every other area of his life, which is part of why I’m having such a hard time processing this.
I also had a very firm boundary my entire dating life that I would not date someone who had children. This wasn’t something I knowingly signed up for when we started dating. He found out about the child shortly before we got engaged, so by the time this became part of our reality, I was already deeply invested in our relationship and planning a future with him.
Now I’m trying to figure out what this could realistically mean for our future.
My biggest fear isn’t necessarily the situation as it exists today. It’s that it may not stay this way.
He could change his mind five or ten years from now and decide he wants a relationship with his child. The mother could change her mind. The child could grow up and seek him out independently. I understand that any of those things could happen, and I don’t think anyone can realistically promise me otherwise.
But if that happens after we’re married and have children of our own, it could fundamentally change our family dynamic. I could potentially find myself in a stepmother-type role, dealing with co-parenting dynamics, having the child incorporated into our household and holidays, or navigating how all of this affects our future children.
That’s difficult for me because having a partner with a child was specifically something I had always decided I did not want for my life.
I’ve been reading Reddit posts about fathers who have no contact with their children, and so many of the responses essentially say, “He’s a deadbeat, run.” Those responses have genuinely scared me and made me wonder whether I’m overlooking a huge character red flag because I love him.
At the same time, I feel like the circumstances are more complicated than simply “he abandoned his child.” The mother did not want him involved, blocked him, and wanted to raise the child independently. He did not want to become a father under those circumstances, has respected her desire for no involvement, and is fulfilling his legal and financial obligations.
I’m not trying to convince anyone that his decision is right or wrong. I’m genuinely trying to understand what marrying someone in this situation could mean long-term.
Has anyone actually lived through something similar?
Did your partner remain uninvolved, or did he eventually change his mind? Did the mother or child eventually initiate contact? If your partner did become involved later, how much did it change your marriage and family? Did you end up taking on responsibilities you never expected?
And if you had a hard boundary against dating someone with children before finding yourself in this situation, how did you reconcile that?
I’m not looking to bash my fiancé, the mother, or an innocent child. I’m trying to make a thoughtful decision before marriage because I love this man, but I also don’t want to tell myself that the current arrangement is guaranteed to last forever when realistically it may not.