u/Sad-Benefit-2477

my boyfriend and i were together for 8 months, and after 8 months i found out about his porn and sex addiction. I had no idea he had the extent his sex addiction went to throughout our relationship and he cheated on me the whole time. it happened to be a coincidence i found out, when i caught him somewhere he shouldn’t be one night. the 4 months following, i tried to reconcile. we were on/off. one day good, the next 3 days are bad.

he started CSAT therapy and group therapy. Goes 4x a week, but still very much struggles to give up porn and fetlife. Hardest part was that he would sit there and convince me that he is going to change, he only wants me, he wants to marry me (he had given me an ultimatum at 8 months to either marry him by end of 2027 or we were done bc i was still trying to figure out if i wanted to marry him or not), he wants to have children with me and “give me the life i never got” (classic i got lots of childhood trauma and he weaponized it). His words sound like what every girl wants their knight and shining armour to say. But what’s different is, my brain knows something is off. Something isn’t sitting right, something about this performance isn’t real. I should FEEL soothed and i should FEEL like i believe him, but i never did. it was a temporary bandaid that made me feel better until the anxiety and rumination came back.

During those 4 months i felt dreadful. I couldn’t focus at work, i could barely eat right, think right, be happy. i went into a major depression and anxiety spiral, and thank god for my support system and therapist, as i wouldn’t have been able to get through this without them. I had to be honest with everyone, as i was not going to hide his behaviors to protect his image. but, it made reconciling feel humiliating even if most people weren’t judging me for it. all i can say is those 4 months felt like a fever dream of trying to grasp what reality really was like the 8 months prior, my whole reality was distorted and nothing felt real. this relationship didn’t feel real. i would look at him and instead of seeing my lover, i saw my enemy. a spy who got in just to break me from the inside out. and i know, it’s his addiction, he wasn’t out to get me, but it felt like it. it felt personal and it hurt, a lot.

i took space, and spent a lot of time thinking about what it is that i want in life, and a partner. how do i want to feel with a partner, how do i want my partner to be spending their free time, how do i want my partner to treat me in my face, but also behind my back? and i realized, he didn’t fit the qualities of the man i want. yes, to my face he is a very sweet, empathetic, loving man. he does everything i ask him to. but i also know now, that he has his own demons, and his mental prison is his own, i cannot live in it with him.

i chose to leave. it broke his heart that i wasnt willing to do couples therapy or give him another chance even though he was “doing everything right” (but who really knows what’s going on behind the scenes). i can’t live in the constant doubt, rumination, low self esteem, and sadness all the time. staying helps him, because he has an accountability partner and someone to come home to at the end of all his acting out. but what do i get? a partner who lies, cheats, and makes me feel less than the absolute beautiful human being i am? at the end of all my hard work to reconcile, what do i gain? a man who already cheated on me once? no thanks.

he’s crying, begging, waiting for the day i come back. he literally says so himself. and honestly im not coming back. he would have to completely reinvent himself and fix his issues for me to ever consider him again.

honestly ive been feeling so much more relieved since i left. i’m starting to find happiness in the little things i always did, like taking walks, walking to my favorite honeysuckle bush just to smell it, the gym, spending time with my cat. i lost joy in all these things because of everything he did. people do not change without consequences, and even if i stayed, he wouldn’t face the consequence of his actions to the fullest extent. i’m leaving for his own good too, because i know he would never leave me.

leaving is hard, it took me 4 months to come to this decision and it’s really hard. but it was the right choice, for me.

i met my boyfriend almost a year ago at the gym, and we hit it off so fast. once we admitted our feelings for one another, we started dating quite quickly. he told me before our relationship started that he was a part of the lifestyle (LS) for about 10 years, and has slept with over 200 women, and has a sex addiction but never got professional help about it but wanted to (i know 🚩 #1 lol). i told him i wasn’t interested in the LS and he was okay with that and told me he’d never do anything without me. the first time we had sex he told me he loved me, and soon after he told me wanted to marry me. i was aware i was being love bombed, and brought up the concern to him, but i couldn’t help but feel so loved and special, even though my intuition told me something was off. for 8 months of the relationship i asked all the time about how he’s dealing with it, and would tell me “he squashed it”. i personally have only been with a handful of people and to me it was okay as long as his LS was in the past. One night i caught him somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be, and asked to go through his phone. I found so many messages to women he’s hooked up with in the past, where it’s flirty and sexual, attempts to meet up with women, etc. he says he never met up with anyone, and that he felt triggered throughout the relationship bc he felt like i was going to leave and didn’t choose him, so he would react by flirting other women. i do have disorganized attachment which does make my partners feel the push-pull dynamics. we are now broken up, and i told him i felt incredibly disrespected, and as much as i understand he is dealing with an addiction, it’s hurting me and i can’t be with someone who is draining my mental and emotional health. we tried to reconcile for 2 months after i found out, but i was going stir crazy waiting for the next shoe if information to drop. i felt like my whole reality of what i thought our relationship was, was a lie. i felt deceived and betrayed. he talked to me for 10 months straight about how much he loved me, wanted to marry me, only saw me as the woman of his dreams, introduced me to his mother and family, so i couldn’t believe that this same man was going behind my back and stabbing me. he hid a whole side of himself from me that i knew about, but didn’t realize the struggle he was truly going through. he has been profusely apologizing, acting remorseful and begging for a second chance. i am not ready to reconcile and do not see enough change in him. he got a therapist that is specialized in sex addiction treatment, so i do see him putting in effort. but i’m very hurt, scared, and my trust is broken. he still sees us one day reconciling and getting married, but i just see deception and a very insecure man who would drag me into reaping the consequences of his pain and addiction. i’m looking for reassurance that i did the right thing for myself by choosing myself and choosing to move on, despite how much i love him. did i make the right decision for myself or did i leave him in a time that he needed support?

i met my boyfriend almost a year ago at the gym, and we hit it off so fast. once we admitted our feelings for one another, we started dating quite quickly. he told me before our relationship started that he was a part of the lifestyle (LS) for about 10 years, and has slept with over 200 women, and has a sex addiction but never got professional help about it but wanted to (i know 🚩 #1 lol). i told him i wasn’t interested in the LS and he was okay with that and told me he’d never do anything without me. the first time we had sex he told me he loved me, and soon after he told me wanted to marry me. i was aware i was being love bombed, and brought up the concern to him, but i couldn’t help but feel so loved and special, even though my intuition told me something was off. for 8 months of the relationship i asked all the time about how he’s dealing with it, and would tell me “he squashed it”. i personally have only been with a handful of people and to me it was okay as long as his LS was in the past. One night i caught him somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be, and asked to go through his phone. I found so many messages to women he’s hooked up with in the past, where it’s flirty and sexual, attempts to meet up with women, etc. he says he never met up with anyone, and that he felt triggered throughout the relationship bc he felt like i was going to leave and didn’t choose him, so he would react by flirting other women. i do have disorganized attachment which does make my partners feel the push-pull dynamics. we are now broken up, and i told him i felt incredibly disrespected, and as much as i understand he is dealing with an addiction, it’s hurting me and i can’t be with someone who is draining my mental and emotional health. we tried to reconcile for 2 months after i found out, but i was going stir crazy waiting for the next shoe if information to drop. i felt like my whole reality of what i thought our relationship was, was a lie. i felt deceived and betrayed. he talked to me for 10 months straight about how much he loved me, wanted to marry me, only saw me as the woman of his dreams, introduced me to his mother and family, so i couldn’t believe that this same man was going behind my back and stabbing me. he hid a whole side of himself from me that i knew about, but didn’t realize the struggle he was truly going through. he has been profusely apologizing, acting remorseful and begging for a second chance. i am not ready to reconcile and do not see enough change in him. he got a therapist that is specialized in sex addiction treatment, so i do see him putting in effort. but i’m very hurt, scared, and my trust is broken. he still sees us one day reconciling and getting married, but i just see deception and a very insecure man who would drag me into reaping the consequences of his pain and addiction. i’m looking for reassurance that i did the right thing for myself by choosing myself and choosing to move on, despite how much i love him. did i make the right decision for myself or did i leave him in a time that he needed support?