u/SadRule6799

I’m from a conservative town and I’ve always known I’m a lesbian and I thought it will get better over time but I’m feeling more and more ashamed. I really tried dating guys but I wasn’t attracted to them and I hated myself more for thinking about women. Then I decided to be asexual but I still have feelings for my ex girlfriend and I can’t change that. When I’m with girls I feel so disgusting and guilty after and I cry myself to sleep and pray to not wake up again.
How do I deal with self hate and suicidal thoughts if I’m too scared to tell anyone even a therapist? My family is so homophobic they will kick me out and never speak to me again and I can’t deal with that I just can’t.
I’m only 22 but I think I can’t do this anymore, I don’t have motivation to do literally anything and I can’t eat and I don’t know what to do. My friends are always asking me what’s wrong but none of them are gay and If i tell them they’d think I’m so disgusting. My ex wanted to tell people about us but I panicked and ghosted her and I miss her so much. I’m sick of pretending but but I’m not ready for my whole life to change. I want to move to a different city so bad but I have 2 more years until I graduate uni and I don’t think I can do it. Pls help I’m so confused

I’m from a small conservative town and I’ve always known I’m a lesbian and I thought it will get better over time but I’m feeling more and more ashamed. I really tried dating guys but that’s for sure not for me and i hated myself more for thinking about women even though I didn’t act on it. Then I decided to be asexual but I still think about my ex girlfriend a lot and I can’t think or do anything else. But when I’m with girls I feel so disgusting after and I cry myself to sleep every night and pray to not wake up again. My ex girlfriend told me she wanted to tell her family about us and I panicked and ghosted her and now I feel so guilty.
How do I deal with self hate and suicidal thoughts if I’m scared to tell anyone even a therapist. My whole family’s so homophobic they will kick me out and never speak to me again and I can’t deal with that I just can’t. I’m only 22 but I think I can’t do this anymore, I don’t have motivation to do literally anything and I don’t think I have a shot at happiness at all. Some days I can’t even eat and I don’t know what to do to at least stand myself. I hate myself so much I sabotage everything good that happens to me and I can’t stop it. everyone’s asking me what’s wrong but noone in my friend group is gay and If i tell them they’d think I’m so weird and disgusting and I can’t be alone. I want to move to a different city so bad but I have 2 more years until I graduate uni and I don’t think I can do it. Pls help I’m so confused