L to R
I wish you had just been honest with me instead of going radio silent.
I could have handled a conversation where you told me you met someone you were excited about, or that you realized you weren't interested anymore. I might not have liked hearing it, but I could have accepted it. What makes me sad and, honestly, a little angry is that disappearing seems to be how you chose to handle things.
I genuinely liked who you were. I liked how easy it felt with you. I would have rather been left with the disappointment of knowing it was over than with the insecurity and wondering what I did that made you stop talking to me.
I'm a pretty loving person, and even when people hurt me, I usually still want the people I've cared about to be happy, whatever that looks like for them. I know I struggled with the FWB situation because I became more invested in you than you were in me. But I also don't know that I regret it. It felt good to have a silly little crush on someone. Maybe I do regret it. I don't know.
I did reach out once while you were still away because I couldn't stop thinking about you. I won't do that again. That message went unanswered until it was convenient for you, and then you reaching out when you came home messed with me more than I expected. I had worked hard to get myself to move on.
And then, just like that, you went back to no contact.
I think the hardest part is realizing that I made myself an easy place for you to come back to when you wanted a quick fix, and I put myself in that position because I was excited to hear from you again. That's on me, too.
Now I try not to think about how you are. I try not to wonder whether you ever think about me or if I was literally just blinded by a dumb crush. I try not to check an app just to see if you've messaged me. But even today there was some muscle memory to tap to check.
Sometimes I still miss you. Sometimes I'm aware I am just an idiot and feel embarrassed for caring about you.
I don't know if that's longing that hasn't faded yet, or if it's just the habit of having someone occupy a little space in my mind. Maybe eventually I'll stop wondering.
I just wish the whole thing had ended differently. Not necessarily with us together, but with a little more honesty and a little less disappearing.
You were someone I genuinely enjoyed knowing. I would have preferred to remember this as something that ended naturally, rather than something I had to slowly understand through your silence.