u/Sad_Professional6807

Today me and my friend talked about a teacher that doesn't teach us anymore she made me realize I may have had good grades in his class just because I have boobs which now makes me feel grossed out about my own body. Like genuinely we could've learnt from the same notes and she would still fail or get worse grades than me somehow and I knew about it but I never thought that it could be because I have boobs and she's flat... He would also help me sometimes when he quizzed me after classes but I thought he did it for everyone or smth. I knew he was gross because most girls would wear low cut shirts or shorter skirts because they would have it easier in his class but I never thought this applied to me especially that I hate showing any skin so I never did anything like that. Idk it made me feel kinda gross about my body and I needed to vent. Men are gross and everyday I get more and more convinced that hate towards cis het men is totally justified and reasonable. I was 14 - 15 when he was still teaching us so it's even more gross imo...

I don't really know what to title this but I just need to vent I guess. Yesterday I was feeling absolutely horrible, I basically just cried all morning and was very sensitive. I ended up talking with one of my online friends and she asked about a girl I've been befriending. I basically said not much has happened and just ended up venting about usual stuff that talking to her or other people is hard due to social anxiety and said in school I'll probably stay with my other friend as she also is very socially anxious and I'd rather not force her to talk to someone she doesn't know and I don't want to leave her either.

I've been telling her previously about my social anxiety, ed, depression and how I just crave affection and stuff. So she said that it's all my fault I don't have a partner or other friends that the one I already have and that all the people I see everyday could easily be my friend or even a partner if I just put in some effort. So I texted her back that I'm aware and that I shouldn't really have the right to complain because it is my fault but I just can't do something about it. That I don't know how to do something about it. That to me it's not so simple as to just "talk to people". Maybe it's easy for someone without anxiety but not for me and that for now meds don't do much. I also ended up confessing that sometimes I'd want to be dead so I can stop being this miserable and people wouldn't have to worry or bear my complaining anymore.

To this she just replied that it's hard to talk to me sometimes because no matter what she says I have my own speech in my head and to text her when I'm feeling better. I just texted her that I'm sorry and went to the bathroom to wash my face because I looked horrible from all the crying and came back to my room so no one would have to see me like this. I also kind of gave in to the urge of cutting myself. Never did that before. It was the first time. I did it really gently. I could still feel it but it didn't leave a trace. Will have to bring it up with my therapist for sure...

I texted her when I felt a bit better but I never got a response back. I dunno if she just doesn't want to text me now or what. I now regret telling her all this stuff yesterday...

Today I literally started crying while reading a comic because the situation was very relatable except I don't have anyone to hug me like that and I wish I did. Just a hug would be nice because I have no hope for anything more and I'm not in the right state for it either.

I have problems getting up in the morning, even though I started meds. I don't have the motivation to do my hobbies. I have ED and I might end up in a hospital which I really don't want but recovery is hard. I have anxiety and it's hard for me to talk to people. I'm never dragging someone into this pit with me. No one would want that. It would make them miserable. I don't really have anything to offer.

Yet I crave this attention so much. I'm actually afraid that because of that I'm falling for a girl I met recently. She gifted me some figures and was genuinely very kind and sweet and pretty. Falling for the first girl that was nice who isn't my friend feels kinda pathetic. It especially gives me anxiety because she has a boyfriend. Even if she didn't have a boyfriend it would lead to being hurt.

I'm crying again just because I read a chapter of manga. God I am so fucking pathetic. It's just sad at this point. It shouldn't make me so sad. I'm never getting in relationship and yes I know this attitude is not helping but why tf it has to hurt so much? I know I'm young but I don't want to hear it. It's not helping. Everyone is moving on anyway and everything is making so fucking anxious. Everything just passes me by. My life passes me by. Everyone has a relationship but no one is ever interested in me. No one ever looks at me. Even friends just leave at some point. I'm getting more and more anxious about my irl friends leaving. We're not going to have time for each other in adult life anyway. They're just gonna move on and keep people more important to them than me. I'm gonna be alone. I just want someone to finally love me. One way or another. I want to be put first. But that will never happen. After high school I'll be alone. I don't want summer to end. I don't want to finish school. I don't want to be all alone again. At the same time I want this to end. I want to be happy for once. It's like I'm happy but then I'm also not happy at the same time. It's frustrating. I can't even atriculate that on therapy so it's like everything is okay but it's not okay. I don't even know if it's sadness at this point it's like I'm empty. I want everything to end. It's like I want to live and I want to die all at the same time. All of this is so weird and confusing and overwhelming.

I really don't have anyone to talk about this I'm sorry you had to read this. I'm sorry it's so chaotic. I just had to get this out somewhere.

Me and her were never in a real relationship but we were pretty close. We'd compliment each other a lot, flirt, be very touchy, go out a lot alone, spend all our free time together, I'd talk to her about everything and we bonded a lot over shared issues.

I asked her to be my girlfriend about two months ago. She confessed that she has started to develop some feelings for me as well but that it will never work out and we should both move on. Then a few days later she told me we can't meet anymore or text or call and refused to elaborate why. Soon after she committed suicide.

I still miss her so much. I knew she attempted before, I've talked her out of one of the attempts myself. I just wish she was still here. I managed to convince her to at least try meds and I was hoping she'd get better. Now she's gone.

Me and her were never in a real relationship but we were pretty close. We'd compliment each other a lot, flirt, be very touchy, go out a lot alone, spend all our free time together, I'd talk to her about everything and we bonded a lot over shared issues.

I asked her to be my girlfriend about two months ago. She confessed that she has started to develop some feelings for me as well but that it will never work out and we should both move on. Then a few days later she told me we can't meet anymore or text or call and refused to elaborate why. Soon after she committed suicide.

I still miss her so much. I knew she attempted before, I've talked her out of one of the attempts myself. I just wish she was still here. I managed to convince her to at least try meds and I was hoping she'd get better. Now she's gone.

Me and her were never in a real relationship but we were pretty close. We'd compliment each other a lot, flirt, be very touchy, go out a lot alone, spend all our free time together, I'd talk to her about everything and we bonded a lot over shared issues.

I asked her to be my girlfriend about two months ago. She confessed that she has started to develop some feelings for me as well but that it will never work out and we should both move on. Then a few days later she told me we can't meet anymore or text or call and refused to elaborate why. Soon after she committed suicide.

I still miss her so much. I knew she attempted before, I've talked her out of one of the attempts myself. I just wish she was still here. I managed to convince her to at least try meds and I was hoping she'd get better. Now she's gone.

I just want to hear how other people met so maybe getting in relationship will feel more achievable cuz rn I have no hope.

I would just really like to have a gay friend so I feel less alone and the thing about her is she says she's straight but idk.

She acts weirdly excited every time there's a lesbian couple on screen. I get excited too because you know representation. I don't mind her being like that because at least I have someone to share my excitement with. At the same time she sometimes says "ew" if het couple makes out on screen. Two days ago we had a sleepover and we watched a really bad movie. Both of us agreed that it was super predictable and boring and the ending made no sense. But she also said "the only good thing about this movie is that the girls kissed" (we both started screaming when the kiss happened lol)

She also tends to compliment the actresses when we watch movies and usually I agree or I start this myself if I find someone on screen pretty. But at the same time she doesn't do that for actors. If she did that for both I'd probably ignore that cuz you can find someone attractive without being attracted to them but then why only actresses? Especially that she often mentions she doesn't want to date guys even though she's straight.

I also have a bad habit of glancing at her boobs. Like idk why I even do that and I try not to but sometimes even when I look into her eyes then my eyes go down on their own for a second before looking back at her eyes and she noticed that. I was embarrassed and I kept apologizing because I thought it made her uncomfortable but she told me it's fine and that I can look because I'm a girl and that would be a different story if I was a guy but she likes when girls look. And idk wouldn't she want to be checked out by guys? Why is it different when a guy does it and a girl does and she likes one but not the other?

Me and my other friend also sometimes joked about touching her boobs and once she actually said if I actually asked she would likely let me because I'm a girl. That was kinda weird but okay.

I also found a bi sticker in her sketchbook so I asked about it but she said she's straight she just liked the colors. Same when me and my other friend joke about anything gay related to her then she would immediately go "I'm straight" every time which is kind of weird because it's just a joke, it's not serious.

I'm probably delusional but idk if she's straight or closeted. I'm not attracted to her or anything but it would be nice to not be the only gay person in the group.

I would just really like to have a gay friend so I feel less alone and the thing about her is she says she's straight but idk.

She acts weirdly excited every time there's a lesbian couple on screen. I get excited too because you know representation. I don't mind her being like that because at least I have someone to share my excitement with. At the same time she sometimes says "ew" if het couple makes out on screen. Two days ago we had a sleepover and we watched a really bad movie. Both of us agreed that it was super predictable and boring and the ending made no sense. But she also said "the only good thing about this movie is that the girls kissed" (we both started screaming when the kiss happened lol)

She also tends to compliment the actresses when we watch movies and usually I agree or I start this myself if I find someone on screen pretty. But at the same time she doesn't do that for actors. If she did that for both I'd probably ignore that cuz you can find someone attractive without being attracted to them but then why only actresses? Especially that she often mentions she doesn't want to date guys even though she's straight.

I also have a bad habit of glancing at her boobs. Like idk why I even do that and I try not to but sometimes even when I look into her eyes then my eyes go down on their own for a second before looking back at her eyes and she noticed that. I was embarrassed and I kept apologizing because I thought it made her uncomfortable but she told me it's fine and that I can look because I'm a girl and that would be a different story if I was a guy but she likes when girls look. And idk wouldn't she want to be checked out by guys? Why is it different when a guy does it and a girl does and she likes one but not the other?

Me and my other friend also sometimes joked about touching her boobs and once she actually said if I actually asked she would likely let me because I'm a girl. That was kinda weird but okay.

I also found a bi sticker in her sketchbook so I asked about it but she said she's straight she just liked the colors. Same when me and my other friend joke about anything gay related to her then she would immediately go "I'm straight" every time which is kind of weird because it's just a joke, it's not serious.

I'm probably delusional but idk if she's straight or closeted. I'm not attracted to her or anything but it would be nice to not be the only gay person in the group.

I feel this mostly once a month when I get my period. Like for some reason at those times I get super lonely and envious of people who are in relationships. I really just want to be loved for once in my life ugh. It doesn't help that I live in the middle of nowhere with no fucking opportunities to meet people and when I do somehow meet them they're always straight. Then I see my friend with her boyfriend or hear her talk about how they make out and go on dates and I get so envious. I want to know how kissing feels. I want to go on dates with that special someone. I want to be there for them when they need it and have them be there for me. I just want to experience all of the things people do in relationships and when I get like that I feel so pathetic too. So far I only got a bicurious girl who played with my feelings and a girl that treated me like her therapist and then threatened suicide when I rejected her (I didn't want an ldr and the friendship started to exhaust me). I'm afraid I'll never be able to date anybody.

I feel this mostly once a month when I get my period. Like for some reason at those times I get super lonely and envious of people who are in relationships. I really just want to be loved for once in my life ugh. It doesn't help that I live in the middle of nowhere with no fucking opportunities to meet people and when I do somehow meet them they're always straight. Then I see my friend with her boyfriend or hear her talk about how they make out and go on dates and I get so envious. I want to know how kissing feels. I want to go on dates with that special someone. I want to be there for them when they need it and have them be there for me. I just want to experience all of the things people do in relationships and when I get like that I feel so pathetic too. So far I only got a bicurious girl who played with my feelings and a girl that treated me like her therapist and then threatened suicide when I rejected her (I didn't want an ldr and the friendship started to exhaust me). I'm afraid I'll never be able to date anybody.

A month ago I said I won't get in another ldr and I feel bad for falling for someone who's even further away than my ex tbh.

So me and this girl have been talking for 3 months. I honestly feel stupid for falling for her after that short amount of time. Recently we talked a lot. She started to open up to me a bit. I help her as much as I can. She also started to compliment me a lot and used it like calling me "my love" and things like that which she didn't do before. I'm not opposed to it. She's very beautiful herself which I told her many times as well.

Now the thing is she has a lot of problems at home. I give her advice and help as much as I can. She's depressed which fortunately I convinced her to go on antidepressants. But when I say she's depressed I mean she's very depressed. She recently talked about suicide and that she'd overdose on pills which I did my best to talk her out of it even if I don't think I handled that talk very well but at least nothing happened. She has told me she's feeling better after visiting her psychiatrist which is good. I try my best to cheer her up when she's not feeling well but it is feeling exhausting. It's a serious mental illness and I feel bad for feeling exhausted of constantly cheering her up and that talk about suicide was also pretty exhausting for me mentally. I want to help. I really do but there's not much I can really do.

Aside from her depression she's also deeply insecure. We talked about relationships. I didn't ask her out or anything she just started talking about it She said ldrs never work and I told her that they can work but you just need to put in effort and that they are ways to spend time online even though it's obviously not the same. She then said that she still wouldn't be able to hug me or kiss me or kiss my cheeks or look into my eyes through the screen and she'd be left wanting me to be there. I don't remember how it came up but I did say I mentioned her to my friend. She then asked me to tell her everything I told him and that she didn't think I'd mention her to my friend since she's just a random girl on the internet for me like the others I talked to and ended up catching feelings for (I did use to talk to a lot of people and I mentioned that but I only really felt something for my ex and my past best friend). I told her she's not just another girl and that I only fell for one girl I met online. She said that she definitely is just another girl and I told her that if I mention someone to my irl friends then they matter to me and most of the girls I talked with I didn't because we just talked and never really became that close with them, they really just came and went. She said I did mention my ex (except she used a word friend which kinda rubbed me the wrong way, even if for a very very short time and online, we dated) so I explained to her that yeah I mentioned her because she was my girlfriend, she was important to me at the time. She then said that maybe it will sound weird but she saw how I talked about feeling in certain situations and about other girls in a server months ago. I still don't know what she meant by that, she refused to elaborate and told me to go read my old messages which I did and don't understand what she means, I just had normal interactions with people. I told her that ever since my ex left me I focus on already existing friendships and before she texted me I didn't really meet people anymore because I just didn't want to. She said she just feels like I have more things to tell her. I asked what things and she said she doesn't know. I asked if she thinks I have someone else? She said she doesn't know. I told her that I really just talk with her online and no one else at the moment. She then said that maybe I just talk to her because I haven't found anybody else, that she's not special, that she isn't as pretty as my ex or anybody else we talked about, and that she's very different irl, she said that maybe I just talk to her because she's all I have at the moment. She also apologized. I told her that she doesn't have to apologize and it's okay she's having insecurities, everyone has them and it's good that she's sharing them with me. I reassured her again that she matters to me and that if she didn't matter I wouldn't do all the things I do for her and with her and that if there's anyway I could somehow help with the insecurities she has then to just tell me because I want to make it better.

She then told me that what I told her is the cutest thing she's ever seen, that she appreciates all the care I have for her, that she loves our friendship and apologized for her insecurities mixed with paranoia and explained a bit more why she felt like she did. She said it's better to forget this and told me she loves me very much. So I answered the things she told me that I understand and all and told her that I love her too.

Then we moved on to talking about something else and eventually made plans to call soon to watch a movie. It's gonna be my first call with her although I know her voice because we exchanged vms before.

I do want to still talk to her even though sometimes it does exhaust me when it comes to her home life, depression or her insecurities as this is not the first time where I had to reassure her about something but I do understand that she has hard time understanding that someone cares about her and she has told me before that she feels like she doesn't deserve love.

A month ago I said I won't get in another ldr and I feel bad for falling for someone who's even further away than my ex tbh.

So me and this girl have been talking for 3 months. I honestly feel stupid for falling for her after that short amount of time. Recently we talked a lot. She started to open up to me a bit. I help her as much as I can. She also started to compliment me a lot and used it like calling me "my love" and things like that which she didn't do before. I'm not opposed to it. She's very beautiful herself which I told her many times as well.

Now the thing is she has a lot of problems at home. I give her advice and help as much as I can. She's depressed which fortunately I convinced her to go on antidepressants. But when I say she's depressed I mean she's very depressed. She recently talked about suicide and that she'd overdose on pills which I did my best to talk her out of it even if I don't think I handled that talk very well but at least nothing happened. She has told me she's feeling better after visiting her psychiatrist which is good. I try my best to cheer her up when she's not feeling well but it is feeling exhausting. It's a serious mental illness and I feel bad for feeling exhausted of constantly cheering her up and that talk about suicide was also pretty exhausting for me mentally. I want to help. I really do but there's not much I can really do.

Aside from her depression she's also deeply insecure. We talked about relationships. I didn't ask her out or anything she just started talking about it She said ldrs never work and I told her that they can work but you just need to put in effort and that they are ways to spend time online even though it's obviously not the same. She then said that she still wouldn't be able to hug me or kiss me or kiss my cheeks or look into my eyes through the screen and she'd be left wanting me to be there. I don't remember how it came up but I did say I mentioned her to my friend. She then asked me to tell her everything I told him and that she didn't think I'd mention her to my friend since she's just a random girl on the internet for me like the others I talked to and ended up catching feelings for (I did use to talk to a lot of people and I mentioned that but I only really felt something for my ex and my past best friend). I told her she's not just another girl and that I only fell for one girl I met online. She said that she definitely is just another girl and I told her that if I mention someone to my irl friends then they matter to me and most of the girls I talked with I didn't because we just talked and never really became that close with them, they really just came and went. She said I did mention my ex (except she used a word friend which kinda rubbed me the wrong way, even if for a very very short time and online, we dated) so I explained to her that yeah I mentioned her because she was my girlfriend, she was important to me at the time. She then said that maybe it will sound weird but she saw how I talked about feeling in certain situations and about other girls in a server months ago. I still don't know what she meant by that, she refused to elaborate and told me to go read my old messages which I did and don't understand what she means, I just had normal interactions with people. I told her that ever since my ex left me I focus on already existing friendships and before she texted me I didn't really meet people anymore because I just didn't want to. She said she just feels like I have more things to tell her. I asked what things and she said she doesn't know. I asked if she thinks I have someone else? She said she doesn't know. I told her that I really just talk with her online and no one else at the moment. She then said that maybe I just talk to her because I haven't found anybody else, that she's not special, that she isn't as pretty as my ex or anybody else we talked about, and that she's very different irl, she said that maybe I just talk to her because she's all I have at the moment. She also apologized. I told her that she doesn't have to apologize and it's okay she's having insecurities, everyone has them and it's good that she's sharing them with me. I reassured her again that she matters to me and that if she didn't matter I wouldn't do all the things I do for her and with her and that if there's anyway I could somehow help with the insecurities she has then to just tell me because I want to make it better.

She then told me that what I told her is the cutest thing she's ever seen, that she appreciates all the care I have for her, that she loves our friendship and apologized for her insecurities mixed with paranoia and explained a bit more why she felt like she did. She said it's better to forget this and told me she loves me very much. So I answered the things she told me that I understand and all and told her that I love her too.

Then we moved on to talking about something else and eventually made plans to call soon to watch a movie. It's gonna be my first call with her although I know her voice because we exchanged vms before.

I do want to still talk to her even though sometimes it does exhaust me when it comes to her home life, depression or her insecurities as this is not the first time where I had to reassure her about something but I do understand that she has hard time understanding that someone cares about her and she has told me before that she feels like she doesn't deserve love.