u/SaddestAltAround

I've started to realize that I've been having quite a few "fantasies" of being mutilated: losing limb, tearing off my skin, being burned, the like.

Just last night, I found myself stuck thinking about what would happen if a stray firework broke through the mesh and exploded right next to my face; I imagined how I would look afterwards, how my body would change, how I would heal. Would I continue living after such an injury? Would I feel better after being blown up? I stared out, finding myself almost wishing for one of the rockets to just fly straight towards me.

Before this, I had seen a video of a woman with a prosthetic leg; she was a model, or at the very least modeled for the video. I envied her, I wanted to lose a leg or arm and replace it. I still feel this draw, the feeling to lop an arm off or how (if such a situation arose) I would happily saw my leg off to escape danger.

I've, of course, self-harmed. My left arm is my favorite spot, it is covered in burns and cuts. The mutilation doesn't really hurt, it's comforting sometimes; I haven't done it in a while however. I find myself more cautious while cutting, burning seems to be much easier for me.

I think we all know the concept of cyberpunk and transhumanism. I feel so drawn to it, so drawn to the idea of ripping my body apart and rebuilding it. Especially recently I've been feeling a longing to do so, to replace my skin with metal plates, to rebuild my own legs, to create new arms.

The thought of me suffering, in pain, bleeding, its always been an oddly enticing fantasy. I can't get it out of my head, I want to suffer.

Before someone does all that "therapist, now" crap, I have one, I speak to her, I just need to work up to discussing this. I find more comfort writing out my inner thoughts on here anyway, and I like to hear what others think. Does anyone else feel similarly? What are some things one does to cope/satisfy these urges?

I work as a bartender in Location: Madison, Wisconsin, and I just received my paycheck for May 15-June 1st (it's June 15th as I write this). This isn't a one-off thing, almost every payday involves me asking my boss MULTIPLE TIMES to give me my check, and it often takes up to a week or more to get it.

I initially was direct deposit, but it would take multiple days after payday for it to hit my account. I then was offered to either be paid through Venmo or through check; I do not trust Venmo in the slightest (and I still receive my digital tips through venmo, which are late now as well), so I opted for check since my bank is close to my place and so is my job.

Now, I pretty much expect my checks to be a week or so late. My job doesn't give me my meager schedule for the week until a day before (if they even send me a schedule, sometimes I have to ask if I'm working the day of). There's a bunch of other issues that make me worry that this small business is gonna crash and die, including the fact that my coworkers are facing generally the same issues (including their W2s being incorrect). The place once got visited by the tax people, who proceeded to take all physical money for some sort of issue (which I was later told to either be a mistake or related to their other business). There's no financial transparency, I barely get hours, or I get called to work the day of.

The only real reason I'm staying is to rack up bartending experience in case life goes by the wayside, and because the shifts are extremely light (I've taken up learning Godot during my shifts).

Who do I speak to? I've done some googling but am still wary on approaching a lawyer, and I feel as if my boss will not be too receptive. I don't want to lose my job, these paychecks pretty much pay my rent, the job search in Madison sucks ass, especially since I'd be applying for bartending positions with barely a year of experience.

After watching ep. 9, I've started to doubt that abstraction is supposed to be directly suicide.

Instead, I'm seeing it as the utter hopelessness that precedes suicide; a total and terminal suicidal mental state.

What switched my view from the popular suicide=abstraction theory is how Jax was handled in episode 9: we see that there is still hope for them recovering, despite entering the supposed un-exit-able state. Pomni is able to speak and engage with Jax's true self and even heal them somewhat, making the abstraction docile, and willing to rest/heal.

When someone enters a level of suicidality that it becomes a daily thought, they distress the people around them (obviously). They hurt and confuse the people around them with their own lack of self-care and their brimming self-hatred/hopelessness. We see this with the violent state abstractions initially are.

One may wonder why Jax doesn't immediately un-abstract when Pomni confronts them, and that ties into one of the core messages of the show:

Healing takes time.

This is pretty much said when Caine returns to the gang: they state that it will take time for them to trust him, that with time they will be able to see him, firstly, as safe, then eventually as a friend.

Jax parallels this: they start by entering the hopeless state, and when Pomni reaches out to them, they begin the healing state. They do not become healed immediately, Jax still likely feels the hopelessness they felt before, but not as strongly. The monster becomes restful, entering a state of recovery from a traumatic and powerful experience.

The other abstraction monsters are seen doing the same. What they needed was an environment conducive to healing, not to be locked away. I think this draws an interesting parallel to real-life suicidality and how it's often reacted to: the hopelessly suicidal are often forced into hospitals (and if you're in America, that's not cheap), corralled with other mentally struggling like animals. Forced hospitalization is slowly being proven to not work for a good chunk of people, and can even worsen the condition.

Related, I also disagree heavily that the show's message also includes "you cannot help those that do not want to be helped," I think Pomni's actions throughout the show, to everyone, distinctly contradicts this.

Hey there! I'm a college student (20, AMAB) and after a few years in college I'm starting to feel a bit jaded at leading a life with the (few) careers I see ahead of me. I'm not totally giving up on the idea, mind you, but firefighting has started to call to me more and more recently. I want to help people, I want to serve the community and make it a better place, I want to feel as if I spent my life making a difference, and (and please don't take this the wrong way) I want to somewhat suffer while doing it.

With that, I understand that firefighting has physical requirements for work (which likely vary between locations, but the general idea is still there). I'm a bit on the skinnier side (6'3" (6'4" on a good day) and around 160-170 lbs.), I was a swimmer in high school and am much more built in the legs/core than the upper body. What should are some recommendations for ensuring that I'll be fit enough to be a firefighter? Anything would help: workout plans, favorite lifts/exercises, goals (deadlift, squat, bench, etc.), meal planning. I'd rather be prepared to enter firefighting after college even if I do choose to go into higher education than leave college out of shape and unable to enter the trade.

Sorry if this is a stupid question, and thank you for any advice.