Does dealing with grief get better..?
Hi, I’m 19F, and I’ve been dealing with intense sadness since I was 14. It was always me, my mom, and my grandmother, the “three musketeers,” as we called ourselves. While my mom worked, I stayed home with my grandma, and we spent almost all our time together. She was one of the most important people in my life.
In 2021, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I still remember being told at church. From that day on, I started grieving her even though she was still alive. I began skipping school and isolating myself. She went through chemo and eventually became cancer-free in August 2022. For a little while, my happiness came back. I started going back to school and trying to move forward again.
But then we started noticing the same signs from before. Her health began declining again, and I stopped going to school. In 2023, she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and that’s when my life completely fell apart. I dropped out before graduating because everything at home became overwhelming. It was mostly just me and my mom taking care of everything. We barely had visitors or support from family. As things got worse, my mental health got worse too.
I watched my grandmother cry and say things like, “I wish I was dead,” “I’m sorry,” or “I wish I could help, but I can’t.” Even while she was suffering, she would still try to cook or force herself to eat. Seeing someone you love slowly fade away changes you in ways I can’t explain.
In February 2024, doctors told us chemo was no longer working, so she entered hospice care at home. My mom became her caregiver, and again, we had almost no help besides occasional visits from the hospice team.
The most traumatic moment of my life happened on March 12, 2024. I was walking to the bathroom when my grandmother suddenly started throwing up blood. My mom grabbed her because she was choking on it, and I remember my mom telling her, “You’re not going to die,” while I was having a panic attack because I didn’t know what to do. After everything calmed down, the hospice team came and told us the dying process had started. I didn’t want to believe them.
The next day, March 13, 2024, my grandmother passed away.
I have never been the same since that day. I cry every single day. I talk about her constantly. I don’t socialize anymore, and I barely leave the house. I lost motivation for school, my goals, and honestly, life in general. I do have a therapist, but nothing seems to help. I know I’m dealing with severe depression because of all of this.
What hurts the most is that even while she was dying, she was never worried about herself, she was worried about me. She always wanted to make sure I was okay.
I guess the reason I’m posting this is because I want to ask people who have experienced grief this deep, does it ever get better? Because right now, I feel completely heartbroken and stuck in the moment I lost her.