u/SaiyanTurt1e

For context, I (M31) have AuDHD and my ex partner (F30) has BPD. We dated as teenagers (both undiagnosed) and to no ones surprise it didn't work out. We managed to stay close friends, becoming sort of seasonal friends where we'd hang out during summer, go camping etc, and drift apart over the darker months. We started dating again in our twenties (2019) and things were going much better until she fell ill while visiting family in her home country. Long story short, she decided to stay because she had access to much better treatment options for BPD than my country, and we became long distance. She struggled with the transition, moving away from all her friends and the life she has built here. We both struggled with the loss of intimacy and agreed to open our relationship in 2021 under the terms of "casual and temporary" meaning one night stands and friends with benefits, however she broke the terms by getting too involved with a guy and kept it secret from me. Her family and his were under the impression they were dating, and they acted like it which impacted our relationship. She wasn't as emotionally available towards me, had less patience and compassion for anything I sought support for, she would go long periods (1-3 days) without texting me, and the other guy even admitted to wanting us to break up so he'd be her only partner. That went on for about 6 months until I flew over to visit where she admitted what was going on. I understood that she was only seeking comfort and didn't have the courage to sacrifice the emotional and physical support he provided while she was still attending her therapy. He started becoming problematic once I was aware of the situation, actively trying to sabotage our relationship and interrupt the time we spent together so she ended things, however I had become paranoid and suspicious of her whenever she was spending time with male friends. I also felt that we didn't repair our relationship as much as we should have (availability, support, patience, compassion etc). I finally got diagnosed and medicated in 2024, where I got much better at handling my fears and suspicions but it was too late and she couldn't tolerate the long distance and feelings of guilt over the betrayal anymore as well as having developed her own fears and insecurities due to mine relating to the infidelity. In the end, she broke up with me in December last year after she spent a week at a male friends house without telling me or staying in touch. We had made promises of honesty and transparency after her cheating and she broke those, leading to a big argument and eventually our breakup.

We are both the longest standing friendship/relationship to each other, so we're trying to stay friends and rebuild a connection without romantic entanglement. Both having mental conditions that impact relationships, mood, thought processing etc we don't want to end our 15+ year friendship just because our romantic relationship didn't survive going long distance.

The issue I'm looking for advice on, is dealing with the false memories she has and her tendency to preemptively assume how I'd react to her. We have already faced this kind of problem in the past (woth very little success) and she has confided in me that her memories can be distorted. For example, last night she ended our text conversation abruptly by simply saying "sorry, i have to go. Talk tomorrow." Her great gran is ill so I thought it may have been related, however she was actually just gaming online with friends. This gaming session was planned but I didn't know about it. Due to our break up it would be awkward for me to join and I fully understand and accept that however she doesn't believe that I would. This morning I told her that i was hurt by how she handled things, being short and giving very little explanation while I was concerned about her great gran. She told me that was her way of being polite because she didn't want to leave my previous text on "seen" knowing she wouldn't be able to reply while gaming, which would last until about 1-2AM. She said that she didn't want to tell me about gaming with her friends because it would mean having to spend 30 minutes explaining her motivations and reassuring me that she wasn't "stripping on camera for money". I've never accused her of that or anything like it, my insecurities were only ever about her having sex with other people when spending time at a friends house or them at hers, nothing about doing things online. During the argument that lead to the break up she also accused me of doing things that were actually other people, such as accusing me of trying to sabotage past relationships which was actually the guy she cheated on me with trying to sabotage our relationship when we first became long distance. Other instances include false memories where she believes I did the polar opposite of what I actually did. Such as thinking I started arguments when I was really in full support (I have re-sent her old text messages that prove her memory doesn't match what I actually said.)

I understand that it's a complicated situation because I have been overly suspicious and accusatory in the past, however she is exaggerating details to extremes, not giving me the chance to respond (accepting that I can't join the game) before confidently and incorrectly assuming my reactions (stripping on camera), reversing past events to believe I was antagonistic when i was actually supportive, and accusing me of things other people did (her affair partner sabotaging our relationship).

I'd be grateful for any advice and support on how to approach these topics with her. I don't want to lose my closest friend because of distorted memories of something I haven't done or wasn't responsible for.