I hate my players so fucking much! I wish I could just punch them in their little faces. Everything that I make to make me smile they want to meddle and stop.

Yesterday I tried to make a band of horny goblins kidnap one of the PCs to make them have their fun with them, but nooooooooooo. They tried to save them and made me roll in front of them to show that I was not "cheating", even though I never cheated that they know of, and the job of the gm is literally to lie and be evil.

I dreamed such a great dream yesterday that I killed one of my players by punching them to death, but when I woke up, I was late for the session and they were on my door, even though they should've known that I was indisposed because I Sent "uhg..." on the group chat.

When I tried to make the characters be evil and kill the 3 children, they fucking said that they don't do that, and I said "yeah you do, roll the dice", and they stormed off. They are too toxic too. They said that I "smelled bad because I didn't bathe for 8 days in a roll", but I clearly was with deodorant. And then was the time that they kinkshamed me because I showed and made them smell my c*m jar with their minis inside and they told me sum about "it was $50, you can't do that!" I can!!! I AM THE GM!!!!

Anyways, anyone know about a good mindflayer p*rn page?

Guard Bank

Unique, Dream, Invested, Magical

Usage held in 1 hand; Bulk L

>

This small pig-shaped bank appears to be crafted from pristine porcelain, without so much as a single scratch marring its surface.

During your daily preparations, you can expend one spell slot of your third-highest spell rank. If you do, roll 1d4-1. You find that many glowing blue coins in your pocket.

Any blue coins created by the Guard Bank that remain unused disappear at the start of your next daily preparations.

◆◆ Save Some Money

Requirements The Guard Bank is in your hand, you have another hand free, you have spell slots from at least three different spell ranks, you have at least one expended spell slot of your third-highest spell rank or lower, you are in an encounter of at least trivial threat, and you have at least one blue coin.

Traits Concentrate, Manipulate

Effect You place one blue coin into the Guard Bank. You regain one expended spell slot of your third-highest spell rank or lower.

◆ Break the Bank

Requirements The Guard Bank is in your hand.

Traits Attack, Manipulate

Effect You smash the Guard Bank, permanently destroying it. Roll 1d100 and add the total number of blue coins that have been placed into the Guard Bank over its lifetime. If the result is 80 or higher, you regain all expended spell slots of your highest and second-highest spell ranks.

Weresnail

Creature 9
Rare, Medium, Beast, Humanoid, Werecreature

Perception +19; scent (precise) 30 feet
Languages Common, Snail empathy
Skills Athletics +23, Nature +18, Survival +20, Stealth +23, Diplomacy +15
Str +7, Dex +0, Con +7, Int +4, Wis +5, Cha -2

AC 28
Fort +21, Ref +10, Will +18
HP 190
Speed 25 feet, climb 25 feet

Weaknesses salt 12, silver 10
Resistances bludgeoning 8

Sticky Fingers
The weresnail has a sticky mucous coating that clings to its body, granting it a +2 circumstance bonus to Escape checks made against it.

Hard Shell
While inside its shell and as long as the shell is not broken, the weresnail has AC 28, gains a +2 item bonus to AC, and has resistance 10 to all damage except void, spirit, mental, and poison damage.
Shell Hardness 7; HP 28; BT 14

Lithe
The weresnail treats any tight space it can barely fit its head in or wider as difficult terrain and does not need to Squeeze to move through it.

Slow Thinker
The weresnail is always Slowed 1.

Viscous Slime
The weresnail leaves a trail of viscous slime behind it. Squares it moves through become greater difficult terrain. The slime dries after 1 minute, or if a creature takes at least 8 fire damage within 5 feet, clearing 5 feet of it. Once dried, the area remains visible but no longer counts as difficult terrain.
If the slime comes into contact with water, it becomes extremely slippery. Creatures entering or moving through it must attempt a Balance DC 25 check or fall prone. The weresnail is immune to this effect.

Slimy Fist ◆
Melee +19, agile, unarmed
Damage 3d10+13 bludgeoning plus Grab

Moist Maw ◆
Melee +19, unarmed
Damage 1d10+6 bludgeoning plus 2d6+6 acid plus curse of the weresnail and schistosomiasis

Spittle ◆◆
The weresnail spits a viscous slime in a 40-foot cone originating from its space. The area is coated in Viscous Slime. Creatures in the area must attempt a Reflex DC 25 save.
Failure The creature is Stunned 1.
Critical Failure The creature is Stunned 2.
The weresnail can use Spittle again in 1d4 rounds.

Change Shape ◆
Concentrate, Polymorph, Primal
The weresnail can change between humanoid, hybrid, and animal forms. In humanoid form, it gains a fist Strike +15 (2d4+10 bludgeoning) and loses its Maw, Slimy Fist, Spittle, Sticky Fingers, Hard Shell, Lithe, Slow Thinker, and Viscous Slime abilities.

Grab ◆

Schistosomiasis
Disease 9; Fortitude DC 26
A parasitic infection contracted through contact with contaminated freshwater.
Stage 1 Sickened 1 for (3 hours)
Stage 2 Sickened 2 and Enfeebled 1 (1 day)
Stage 3 Sickened 3, Enfeebled 2, and Clumsy 2 (3 days)
Stage 4 Sickened 4, Enfeebled 3, and Clumsy 3 (1 week)
Stage 5 Sickened 5, Enfeebled 4, and Clumsy 4 (2 week)
Stage 6 Sickened 6, Enfeebled 5, and Clumsy 5 (4 week)
Stage 7 Death.