u/Salty_Loquat_6751

Hello, this is me (23F) sharing my story, ranting, and wanting to know if what I experienced is considered COCSA or any other form of SA. I’m going to start from the beginning.

My family and I (7F) had just moved into a new town the summer before my 2nd grade year in 2010. Even at 7 years old, I was shy and quiet. I’m the youngest with 7 older siblings and I spent K-1st grade going to the same school (K-8th grade) with 4 of my siblings. My old school was on the countryside and everyone basically knew everyone. I lived around family and family friends. So moving to a whole new school district where I am the only one in the family going to a school building without another sibling tagging along or knowing anyone was nerve wrecking. As a new kid starting 2nd grade in a new school district…things were bigger than before and done differently. One of the different things was a separate reading class. I was excited for that class purely because I loved (and still do love) reading, and the teacher (F) was kind.

In this reading class there were table groups pushed together with 4 desks each. The person sitting beside you would be your designated reading partner. We had to sit by them during “Teacher reading time” on the carpet in criss-cross applesauce. My reading partner was a boy, who was probably also 7, maybe just turned 8. I only remember being nice to him and talking to him when I needed to. Anyways, I don’t remember when, why, or how it started but all I can remember is my reading partner constantly trying to touch my private part. As a 7 year old little girl, my mom did tell me that no one should touch those parts of me, so immediately I was uncomfortable. He would touch my thigh under the desk and slide his hand further up. There wasn’t much I could do other than move around to try and prevent him, but even that was limited in a desk. And if you’re wondering why I couldn’t move to another group…they were all full and I was nervous to ask my teacher to switch my partner all of a sudden.

The boy would even try to touch my private part during criss-cross applesauce carpet time with the teacher and other students. I used to think that surely he wouldn’t try to touch me out in the open, and the thought made me relieved. The teacher would be too busy reading to notice and other students highly immersed into the book, even I would be until I felt his hand on me. Little me genuinely didn’t know what to do until I came up with the idea to start wearing skirts so I wouldn’t have to sit criss-crossed. I think that’s when I started wearing school uniformed skirts and dresses more than pants to school. Honestly, I don’t think I wore pants at all again in the school until high school (9th grade). Anyways, it worked during carpet time, but not when sitting at the desks.

I would just put up with it trying to move his hand or slide over as much as I could. There is one time I remember him giving me a piece of paper with words on it but I don’t remember what it said— I just remember feeling a type of way. I don’t know if this memory is my mind playing tricks on me because I can’t remember that much from my time in that reading class or if it’s something else. After some months of that reading class, I was transferred to another reading class. Ya’ll…I was so happy to be away from that boy. But then the next time I saw him was the day of my new reading class. Luckily for me, I could choose my partner and went with a girl. And I made sure I was far away from him and locked in between two other students during carpet time. The boy and I were in the same class year, so I saw him and were in future classes with him more than I would have liked (like my world history class in middle school). We even shared another table group together because our last names were close in the alphabet, but I made sure to never sit by him again. In the World History class he would try to be my friend and talk to me in group settings. I promise I feel like I remember him saying we were friends. I don't know if he remembers anything but I sure do and I would never call him a “friend”…I would just be cordial with him during group table activities. I continued to ignore him in any other class or year(s).

Honestly, till this day I don’t feel comfortable being touched unexpectedly or by surprised from the opposite sex, including my brothers. Yes, I am introverted, but around men I do feel an inkling (?) of uncomfortablility compared to women. Yes, I am a virgin. Partially because of my belief, my own personal feelings, and maybe even trauma(?). Sometimes I don’t know if I would be able to be sexually intimate, even sexting or the thought of sexting makes me uncomfortable. I do (?) want to have sex, preferably once I’m married; I want to actually fall in love, get married, have children…but…yeah. I have had a childhood “boyfriend“ from 2nd grade to 4th or 5th grade with innocent ”love letters“, cheek kisses, and holding hands. And I had a more serious (?) relationship in high school, but nothing more than little pecks on the lips because I refused anything more sexual (which is why he broke up with me…but whatever). Shoot, even making an overdue appointment for a pap smear makes me uncomfortable just thinking about someone touching me down there…even professionally. There are times when I want to tell my mom what happened to me, but I don’t want to make her feel bad, etc. I don’t know if I ever will be able to tell her.

Thank you to whoever reads this.

Fanfic crossover idea

I’ve never told anyone other than my bff and a sister-like figure before, but I’m telling a bunch of strangers on the internet because it’s easier. Also, was what happened to me COCSA?

I crave more AFTG fanfiction reaction fanfics